I’ve had a few people comment on how IVF really isn’t that bad and it might be worth considering doing IVF to use my eggs should we choose to use a gestational carrier.

I greatly appreciated these comments because they got me thinking, what is it about IVF that has me so scared? Is it the procedures? Is it the medications?

While here’s what a weekend of self-reflection has produced

I am not afraid of needles. Never have been and presumably never will be. The idea of giving myself needles seems a bit odd, but I’m sure I’d get over it. Actually, I think the needles would actually bother Mr. MPB more than they would me.

I am not afraid of the countless monitoring appointments. Through 5 miscarriages I have proven that I can handle being at daily medical appointment. Heck, I did it while working full time, so I’m sure I can do it now that I’m sort of self-employed and fully dictate my schedule.

I am not afraid of the emotional roller coaster that is trying to get my body to produce multiple follicles. I am positive that this would suck, but I am equally positive that I can do it with Mr. MPB at my side.

So, what is it that I’m really afraid of? What is really bugging me about the idea of undergoing IVF to harvest my eggs to use with a gestational carrier?

First, I am never walking back into my local fertility clinic. Our doctor there simply wasn’t a good fit for us, and in the end we don’t trust him. In reality though, this is pretty easy to overcome as we could go elsewhere for the treatment and procedure.

One of my biggest fears is potential of another miscarriage using my eggs. Honestly, I cannot bear the thought of being responsible for the death of another little baby. I know, rationally, my eggs are not our problem, my uterus is. But, that nagging doubt, that what if, would kill me. A large part of why we stopped trying is that I couldn’t take knowing that I created a baby that was destined to die, and using my eggs would open my heart back up to that potential. I would rather have no genetic link, and remove myself completely from the equation then take the risk. (That said, I’m still afraid of knowing my baby is dying inside someone else if we were to use donor eggs or a donor embryo. I am afraid of the mental health implications for me and Mr. MPB if we faced another loss).

I am afraid of losing me. I came really close to losing my essence, and my spark through all of our losses. In fact, looking back I think I came closer then I think I ever realized at the time. The potential mental health implications of losing another baby are so great, that it scares me. I know I am not perfect, but I generally like who I am, and I would like to continue to have my spark.

Before our losses I had a decent relationship with my body. Yes, like almost every women out there, I could have afforded to shed a few pounds, but it was nothing that worried me. I was active enough, ate healthy and generally okay with my body. RPL destroyed my physical connection to my body, heck I began to see my womb as a place where babies go to die, not a place of life. I think the fact that I wasn’t allowed to do much physical exercise for nearly two years only exacerbated my negative view of my body. But today, today I am getting back to a healthier place. I am exercising regularly. After lifting weights for nearly 3 months, I am physically stronger, and visibly strong too. My fat is turning into back into muscle. My body is returning to the one that I once knew. I still struggling with seeing my body as a baby killer, but I am working on that, and hoping that one day I will accept that for what it is. I am very afraid that the physical implications of IVF will destroy all the healthy gains I’ve made. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am today, and I really don’t want to be sidelined again and restarting the process again.

I know often people say to push through fear, and not let fear make your decisions for you. But, in this circumstance, I think the risks are simply too great for us at this point in time. Maybe one day, while I’m still in my ideal reproductive years, I may feel different. But as of today, I just can’t. I would rather stop now, while I still have some semblance of me left. So, for once, I am putting my needs above all else and saying no, and I have the full support of Mr. MPB in this decision.

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