It is raining outside.

I am currently sitting on the couch under a cozy blanket, snuggling with our dog thinking about our weekend and our lives.

I’ll set the stage with a brief description of our weekend – We’ve spent the weekend with very dear friends who got married. My husband was one of the groomsmen so it’s been a very busy weekend. Friday night dinner and rehearsal. Saturday wedding. Sunday gift opening. My husband’s weekend has been dictated by the wedding and while mine has revolved around the wedding, I have had more flexibility. I went to dinner on Friday. I went obviously went to the wedding and but I skipped the gift opening today. The husband went solo because I was slightly hung-over all day long.  But truthful, I also just didn’t want to go.

The friends who got married have a beautiful 9 month old baby. They’ve been really supportive of us not being around as much as we really should. Friday was actually only the second time I’ve physically been around their baby and it was also the first time I’ve held him.  That’s really rather pathetic of me.

So, here’s the reason I am sharing all of this – I made a decision at the wedding night (no, not the adoption decision).  I finally figured out that this is our problem not our friends. While it completely sucks, I’m so unbelievably tired of letting RPL dictate our life. I’m tired of being at a social gathering with tonnes of our friends, and being the odd ones out. We are the ones who don’t get to have children and may never. I’m tired of listening to cute little kid stories and smiling along. I’m tired of having people dance around us because they don’t want to say the wrong thing (yet, I am ever so grateful when our friends are sensitive).

So, since this is our problem, we cannot expect our friends to not talk about their kids. We have to make it safe for them to be them, just like they are trying to do for us. At the end of the day, this is our curse, but ultimately we have to decide how we are going to live with it at least for the time being until we either get a healthy baby on our own or choose to live childfree or jump fully into adoption.  It’s already been 2 years, and it could be years more before this is all figured out.  Our lives may not be proceeding as expected, but there’s are, and we cannot sit out the next few years and expect our friendships to remain strong. Our friends deserve better of us.

We have to change our attitude.

If we want to keep our friends, we have to get over the hurt that comes along with visiting their babies.

This is our issue.

We need to find a way to deal so that we can be active members of their extended family of friends.

We’ve been shitty friends for the last 2 years, to the majority of our friends. Yes, we’ve been protecting ourselves, we’ve been guarding our emotions while we get through each miscarriage. I’m not going to apologize for that, we’ve done what we’ve needed to do.  So, while this is okay to do, it’s not okay to do permanently and to live in hiding. We have to do better and we have to be better. We owe it to our friends who have supported us.

Friendships take active participation from all people. Almost all of our friends have been amazing (you can see an exception to that here), but it’s time for us to step up and get back into the friendship game.

I know this won’t always be easy, there will still be tough days, but I know we have to do it.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

A few days ago, I wrote about one of my biggest fears – losing my husband. Out of that post, a fellow blogger commented “I have been afraid of losing myself, my sanity and identity as a woman.” Her comment really resonated with me, and it definitely didn’t take me long to realize, I needed to write something about losing myself through recurrent pregnancy loss. So, here goes:

If you asked me 2 years ago to describe myself, I would have had a simple and straight forward list of words that describe me to a tee:

Confident

Professional

Loyal

Dedicated

Happy

Healthy

Over-achiever

Perfectionist

High-Strung

Absolute

Decisive

Passion

Unsympathetic

Strong-willed

Opinionated

Adventurous

Success

Independent

Active

Planner extraordinaire

People Pleaser

Structured

Educated

Today, I struggle to answer that question, because I am simply not the same person I was. A lot of the above traits continue to hold true (a strong personality doesn’t die overnight), but they aren’t the first words to pop into my mind. When I look at the aforementioned list, I see that almost everything here is based around my career. To be successful in my industry, particularly as a women, many (but not all) of these traits are essential. And honestly, I’m not sure that I love what I see in that list. I see a women who is so focused on success and unbelievably career driven that there isn’t much room left for anything else.

So, today, I put my mind to creating a list of new traits I exhibit, some good, and some not so good. Here’s what I came up with:

Courageous

Emotional

More sympathetic and sometimes less sympathetic

Thoughtful

Confused

Creative

Grieving

Self-Aware

Diligent

Erratic

Frustrated

Tired

Cautious

Worried

Expressive

Self-Reflective

This list really shouldn’t be listed as a straightforward list, with an implied hierarchy of importance. Rather it should be more of a chaotic and sporadic representation, which is much more reflective of me, because depending on the day some traits are more prevalent than others:

So, looking at the new me, I’m thinking, maybe it’s not at all about losing myself, rather is really all about finding myself? Looking at the glass half full instead of half empty. Maybe, this bullshit RPL journey, will force me to find me? I suspect this new me is open to limitless possibilities.

Maybe, just maybe, I am getting to a point where I’m ready to start accepting a not so perfect life – maybe I’m realizing that it doesn’t have to a perfect breakdown, controlled to the tenth degree. Instead, it can just be my perfect breakdown – my version, which isn’t bound by societal norms and acceptance. Maybe, I can actually have and accept a life with faults. A life with some drama. A life with a different type of adventure – not the traveling to foreign countries and experiencing the world kind of adventure (although those adventures are still pretty awesome), but a life with adventure within my daily life. There doesn’t have to be a plan, there can be some messiness and some chaos.

So maybe, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is in a round-about way, helping me find myself, rather than living the perfect life I’ve always expected of myself. I suspect if nothing else, this will force me to continue to grow as a person.

I know regardless of the outcome, there will be ups and downs. There will be erratic and emotional days, but there will also be more creative days. There will still be perfectionist days driven by my strong-willed, over-achieving self. But, there will also be days of thoughtful, self-reflection. And, this is okay. And truth be told, it might just be a healthier lifestyle.

But, regardless of what happens, I can promise you, this journey will result in a better version of me. Because, I will not accept anything else of myself. I will push to be a better person. I will strive to be the best, yet I will also accept that I will not always be perfect.

 If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

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