My life is so incredibly full, in so many ways. I am a mother, a dream come true for me, that at one time I never thought possible. I have a loving husband. I have a thriving consulting business. I have food on my table and can afford extra life comforts that many other have to go without.
And yet, lately, I feel a tad bit lonely.
I have always been the type of person who has one or two close friends, never a big group of friends, but a few very close people. Right now, I feel like I’ve lost that in my life.
Most of our friends had kids years before us, leaving us behind – I do not blame them or resent them for this, this is just sort of a fact of life. But what it means is that their kids are now older then Little MPB and interested in different age appropriate activities. And, they seem to be friends with their kids parents. My other closest friends have all left our province and moved away. Yes, we can text, but no, it’s just not the same. We cannot get together for a long chat with a glass of wine or cup of coffee. There are no lunch dates and there are no play dates. I text and email with a few bloggers regularly, but it’s just not the same as real-life human interaction. And honestly, as we’ve mostly all become parents, our texts/emails are fewer and farther apart these days, presumably because they are just as busy as me.
As for making new friends, I have been completely unsuccessful at making new friends at baby/toddler activities. Because at this point, in swimming, I’m solely focused on keeping my part fish-kid from drowning, not talking to other parents about how their days are going. The same goes for gymnastics and any other activity we’ve tried. I’ve been told making friends at his social activities wont happen until kids start un-parented activities, and parents sitting on the sidelines watching start striking up conversations.
But here’s the truth, even if I had some way to make new friends or rekindle old friendships, I simply don’t have time. My life is consumed with:
- Little MPB. Time with Little MPB is always paramount and comes first. Swimming, gymnastics, dinner time, play time, snuggle time, potty training, etc. – these come first. Always.
- Work. I work too much, and I will be for the foreseeable future because consulting life is feast or famine.
- Doodle MPB. She takes up more time and energy then I ever thought possible for a dog.
- House/daily needs. Apparently one must keep their house somewhat organized as to not have it fall into a state of disrepair and grocery shopping is a necessary evil.
- Mr. MPB. He should be higher on this list.
My days are so busy right now, that I cannot do more. I don’t think prior to being a parent I realized just how much parenting takes over your entire life – I knew it would change everything, I just don’t think I realized just how much. And, I think all our friends moving away at the same time just created a bit of a perfect storm. (Please let me be clear, I am not complaining about being a mom – I wouldn’t trade anything for being Little MPB’s mom. It’s just that right now everything isn’t sunshine and roses, and I want to acknowledge the less then ideal parts of life).
So, how can I even try to build the friendships that I am currently longing for, it I don’t even have time to be a friend in return? And since I wont make changes to my life priorities, do I even have the right to complain?
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This morning I called a new dog trainer, we need a second opinion. We like our current trainer well enough, but with how much money and time we’ve spent on training, shouldn’t our dog be able to sit on the floor calmly for more then 20 seconds? And stop jumping on the counters? And maybe not bark anytime both Mr. MPB and I are in the kitchen?
I figure at this point, a second opinion cannot hurt.
This new trainer, she comes highly recommended. We actually didn’t use her to begin with because she cost so much. But honestly, at this point, we need another set of eyes and another set of ideas.
As I talked to the new trainer, telling her all about Doodle MPB, I tears began running down my cheeks.
As I talk, I realize just how much Doodle MPB has changed our lives and how annoyed I am at her. She’s basically the biggest mistake of my life, and she’s exhausting me. Her barking is literally driving us crazy. The resulting arguments between myself and Mr. MPB, isn’t healthy. Mr. MPB is back to threatening to put a bark collar on her, and I’m back to saying no, let the clomicalm take effect – it feels as though we suddenly are back to the early days with our arguing. Somehow we, the humans, have regressed this week. Maybe our regression is because our hopes for the clomicalm were too high and now we are disappointed? And maybe the other family drama is just making the normally tolerable, intolerable?
I tell her how cute Doodle MPB is, and that she is crate trained and that she’s not bad walking on a leash. But I tell her that’s where the good things seem to end most days.
I tell her about the foot injury. I tell her about the techniques that are mostly working (crate in another room with a blanket over it when the house is busy, feeding puzzles/toys, long walks, etc.). I tell her that Mr. MPB wont give up on her.
I admit, getting a puppy with a 2 year old was a huge mistake, because time is limited and I managed to pick out an extra special crazy dog. I talk about how we just don’t have time in the day for everything, and on days when either Mr. MPB are away with work, walking the dog with the child isn’t an option – it’s just not safe at this point in time as the child is a runner and the dog is crazy, we are bound to have someone get hit by a car or get scratched and jumped on. Not being able to take them out together is a huge problem from an actual hours in the day perspective.
I tell her I used to dream of having a well trained dog, who knows tricks and walks right beside me. Now, I just dream of having Doodle MPB not bark so much and having her out in the house, sitting calmly on the floor or the couch after Little MPB goes to bed, being part of the family. But because she is so crazy, now she spends way too much time in a crate. And if I could have three things, I’d also love for keep all four paws on the ground rather then be part kangaroo.
I tell her, I literally feel as though I cannot do anymore. I’m at my breaking point, yet I also cannot imagine actually giving up on her, because the options as we see them just aren’t good options.
So, we keep trudging ahead. And our frustration grows, hence the phone call this morning. We are not willing to keep just throwing money at Doodle MPB, because at this point we literally just throwing away money. We need to get Doodle MPB into a place of thinking, so that all her trained skills will start to shine through. I know she knows the skills, because she will do them…for 3 seconds before her energy erupts and she’s back to being crazy.
And then, as I keep talking, I realize how bad I feel for her. Her anxiety is not normal. I truly cannot imagine living inside her brain, day-in and day-out. And this, is why I cannot give up on her.
In a way, it was a bit of a cathartic release of everything. I end up apologizing for dumping this all on her, but she seems to actually hear me. She seems to get it.
We agree we need to meet while Little MPB is at daycare, so that we can focus on just Doodle MPB. We agree to book anytime on Monday that will work for Mr. MPB’s schedule – she has promised to keep the entire day clear until she hears back from me. If Mr. MPB cannot make himself available due to work commitments, then just her and I will meet with Doodle MPB.
So, maybe this new trainer will have an idea or two or maybe a magic trick up her sleeve?
I can hope, right?
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My Perfect Breakdown 