As I was driving to a meeting it donned on me that I was driving through the intersection where my mom and sister were killed. As this intersection is absolutely no-where near anywhere I ever go, in fact it’s hours away from where I now live, I don’t think I’ve driven through it since my Dad took me there.
I remember the visit to the spot years ago, it was probably a few weeks after the accident happened. It’s a rural intersection. There are cattle fences, trees, a swampy pond, and farmer’s fields as far as the eye can see. The spot where I’m told my families car ended up is still swampy and treed. When I went back shortly after the accident, trees were down, the fence was broken and I remember collecting my sisters hand-wrapped spools of thread that littered the grown that had been sitting in the swamp for a few weeks (she always made friendship bracelets and was likely making one at the time of the accident).
They say time heals all wounds. And, looking at that spot, it appears completely healed as nature has regrown. The only difference between my visit nearly 20 years ago this visit is that fence has been repaired and the trees have re-grown. 20 years later no-one would ever know that my mom took her last breath in that spot, and my brother and sister were cut from the wreckage and rushed to the hospital.
Yet, reality of life just isn’t quiet the same. If you look at me, if we saw each other in passing, on the outside I too appear healed. I was not in the accident so I have no visible scars to carry with me. I am now just another young mother who works full-time and loves her family. Heck, perfect strangers probably think I’m decently put together most days. I am no longer the teenage who’s family died in that car accident. I no-longer walk around feeling like that’s the first thing people think when I walk in a room. I’m just another person living in a big city, my personal history is no longer plastered to my forehead.
Yet, I know, my heart and my soul aren’t quiet as healed as my outward appearance portrays. And, honestly, I know I’ll never be fully healed, the day they died my life as I knew it died. Yes, life goes on and I’ve continued to live, but my heart will always know two very important people are missing.
.
It’s been almost 20 years. How in the world has it been 20 years since I felt a hug from my mom and laughed with my sister? 20 years.
How can it be only 20 years, when it feels like just yesterday? How can it be that my son has never and will never know his grandmother or his aunt? I don’t think I’ll ever stop asking these questions.
It’s true what they say about grief, it’s not linear, it ebbs and flows with time. Today is clearly an ebb in the road.
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We had planned to go to the USA at some point this summer. The purpose of the visit would be to visit our son’s birth mom and his new sibling. It is a very important trip, as we want to foster a relationship between all of us.
But we are second guessing our decision now, simply because Trump got elected and the country appears to be changing almost over night.
The first problem we have with a trip to the USA right now is that Mr. MPB and I have a fundamental philosophy in life that we do not spend our travel dollars in countries that we do not support equality – this is a long standing position of ours and we choose destinations based in part on knowing that we are spending our money in a way that we are comfortable spending it because in our minds, one of the key ways to influence the world is to choose how we spend our money because money speaks. And, based on the recent media reports, I’m pretty sure the current political climate in the USA is not one of equality. This simply isn’t a political system that we want to support.
The second problem is the changes happening regarding travel into and out of the USA. First, it is our understanding that USA citizens with Canadian residency may be prevented from leaving the USA – I have no idea how or why, but we’ve been told this by multiple people in the “know”. And, our son is floating in some sort of no-man’s land in regard to his Canadian status – he is not a Canadian resident, he is not a refugee, nor is he a Canadian citizen (yet). So, if there is a potential that he could be prevented from leaving the USA that would put our family in quite a pickle since we live and work in Canada. We have been advised just to avoid going to the USA until Little MPB is a Canadian citizen. And his Canadian citizenship will probably take about another year.
So, what do we do? If it weren’t for our son and his birth family being located in the USA, we simply wouldn’t visit right now. The decision would actually be really easy. But, of course, that’s not our reality – we know we want to foster this relationship, we truly believe it is important to everyone involved in our son’s life, mostly our son. So, do we put aside our political issue? Do we risk possible problems at immigration and just go? Or do we put off our visit for another year? Or do we wait until the next election and see if things change before going?
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My Perfect Breakdown 