In the last few weeks I have received countless words of encouragement and countless positive comments. But mostly, I heard how much my writing has helped other people. And helping others is all I have tried to do.
To hear that what I have to say helps people, is serious motivation to keep using my voice to keep sharing. You see, for me it’s rather simple. I never want someone to feel as lonely as I did when we went through our first miscarriage, or made the decision to terminate for medical reasons or even or even when we went through our last miscarriage. Experiencing multiple losses has become a defining part of who I am, and so I feel compelled to continue to share my experiences so others know they are not alone. And, if I can help just one person navigate the adoption process and the extreme emotions that come with it, then I should keep sharing.
You see, the reason I want to preserve my anonymity isn’t because I’m trying to hide from what I’ve said. In fact, let me be clear, I am not ashamed of anything I’ve written. But I want to stay anonymous because I’m simply trying to protect my family’s privacy, especially my son, who did not ask to have a mother that shares her life with the world. And even more, I simply have no desire or intention to turn my son into a posterchild for adoption. So, I feel the need to continue to be guarded about our private lives and am not prepared at this time to share my real identity with the blogging world.
And at the same time, I firmly believe if anyone in my real life – my parents, my siblings, my friends, my co-workers and my clients – found My Perfect Breakdown and knew I wrote it, they wouldn’t shame and/or hurt me. I know some people would be hurt because I’ve been very honest about my feelings, but it has never been my intention to hurt others by sharing my truth, my perspective and my emotions. In fact, I often wrote my raw emotions, simply as an outlet during my darkest moments, an outlet that has been absolutely vital to my mental health and well-being. And, I trust and hope that at the end of the day the people in my life would understand that. And as much as a few people in my real life might not love everything I’ve written, I believe everyone I know would be proud of me for encouraging and supporting women and families around the world. And so, I believe most people would generally support what I’m doing here.
And, so as Mr. MPB and I considered all of this, we have made a decision about the future of My Perfect Breakdown. It was a relatively simple decision:
I will continue to share my story.
Yes, there are hacker’s and creeps out there, and to quote a friend “hackers gonna hack” so there is always a risk. But I think I’m doing more good than harm, and I believe there are ways to keep myself and my family safe to mitigate those risks.
It may be a few more weeks before I return like normal as I am taking some steps to better preserve my anonymity. But I will be back.
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I felt the need to write a note, and explain my absence.
I took a step away after I wrote my last post, because I needed to focus on life for a little while.
But, now my absence has been extended. And truthfully, I’m not sure how long it will be extended for.
You see, someone left me a comment, claiming that my blog is not anonymous and giving me private details which I have never shared on my blog. They also shared details about another anonymous blogger with me. (I let this blogger know, but will not publicly identify them here, so if you haven’t heard for me, don’t worry, it’s not you).
While, this person claims they aren’t telling me this to be creepy, I can assure you, it has been very creepy and very upsetting. That said, I’m no fool, I know blogging anonymously has this risk and I also know all digital technology leaves a footprint. But I also know the effort that is required to get the information they had is suspicious, and very likely not available to the average person.
I’ve notified WordPress. WordPress believes it’s someone I know who has pieced together who I am, and is essentially screwing with me. I don’t buy it and I have my own theories because while I may not be tech savvy, thankfully I know people who are.
But regardless of who this person is, or why they have chosen to share this info with me, or if they intend to try to use it against me in some way shape or form, what it has shown me is that WordPress’ security is not as secure as I thought. Clearly, my cloak of invisibility is no longer working.
The reality is, even while I may be okay with laying my heart and soul out to the world and having people discover who I am, the fact is, I am not okay with turning Little MPB into an adoption poster-child or even sharing his life with the world. I believe those are decisions he can make one day, when he’s old enough. And then there is also the basic safety concern that comes along with this, and basic safety very likely trumps everything.
So, what does this mean for My Perfect Breakdown going forward?
I truthfully do not know right now.
I may not continue blogging. It’s not that simple for me to share my heart and soul if I’m censoring what I share. And if I have to censor myself, then it’s no longer the blog I want it to be. Hiding the vulnerable parts of life, is like hiding what’s real. And, I’m not about to become one of those blogs that pretends life is perfect. And I sure as heck cannot turn my blog into some sort of crafty, cooking mommy blog, because I am so not crafty and my cooking skills are seriously lacking.
I will admit, I am also seriously considering the possibility of deleting my blog. I have already deleted photos that I felt were possibly too identifying. And, I’ve removed a few posts which were too identifying. But, as I think about my son, that may not be enough and I may remove the entire blog. Which of course, removes part of the authentic nature of my blog. But, needless to say, I realize this may be the end of My Perfect Breakdown.
I’m not prepared to make any decisions today, as leaving this community is not something I had even thought about until just the other day.
Needless to say, I have a lot to think about.
I promise I will let you know what I decide, when I decide.
My Perfect Breakdown 