Stuck In My Head
No matter how many years have passed, Easter is always a hard time of year for me.
Since I started My Perfect Breakdown, each year I have written a post on the anniversary of the day my Mom and Sister were killed by someone who missed a stop sign. 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014 – as I re-read these posts, tears are spilling from my eyes. Most days, I just live without them, without obsessively thinking about them. But then other days, like the days leading up to the anniversary the emotions feel so strong I could puke – like remembering the hospital the night the visited, I feel as though I am right back there as if it’s happening in real time. At other times, I push it all aside and attempt to ignore the emotions that could so easily spill from my eyes just to get through the day. It makes the few weeks before the actual anniversary almost unbearable.
Every year in the days leading up to the anniversary of the accident, I feel as though I obsess as I try to write something to express whatever it is that I’m feeling and thinking. Every year it seems as though it’s slightly different as the emotions ebb and flow. But every year I definitely experience anger that they died so young and anger for the lives they didn’t get to leave. And I also try to remember as many happy moments as I can – the moments that I will forever be grateful for.
This year has been no different in regards to the obsessive like feelings. But the difference this year is that my words are not coming to me. In fact, I’ve noticed that I haven’t been writing that much lately, even about other things. Simply, words are not coming to me. I feel as though I’m stuck in my head.
I wonder what life would have been like if they never died – would I have ever met Mr. MPB, or found my way to Little MPB? There’s an old saying about the flutter of a butterfly changing the trajectory of life. Maybe one thing had to happen in order for other things to happen? It’s an odd though that just feels wrong.
And, I also wonder, what would it be like to be able to call my sister or my mom and just talk? How would I even start? Where would I even start?! Is this what the after-life is like? We meet up with those who went before us and have the most intense/amazing conversations about everything? Do they actually watch over us (I’ve always tended to think not, but how the heck does anyone know)?
Would my sister be a mom by now? She adored children, and children absolutely loved her. I have always just assumed that she would have become the school teacher she dreamed to be and would have a few kids of her own by now. And gosh, would she have been an amazing Aunt to Little MPB. And yet, but some cruel twist of fate she died as a kid herself.
And my mom. could I ever use a hug from my mom some days! Or even just a thoughtful word of encouragement or support. She was always in my corner, supporting me no matter what I tried to do. And I just know she would have been the most amazing support through all of our miscarriages as she endured one herself. And even more, she would have been such an amazing grandmother. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish she was here to know my son and know me as a mother. I feel like we would be great friends now that I’m a mother myself. And, as I age, I see more and more of my mom in me, both literally when I look in the mirror and figuratively as a parent.
Honestly, considering all I’ve been through thus far in my life, I firmly believe that loosing my mom and sister when I was 14 years old has had a huge impact on my day to day life, even now, almost 21 years later.
I just miss them both so much.
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