We’ve been texting almost daily with our birth mom. She has my cell phone number so I’m the one who sees and responds to most of her texts. As we get to know each other, she’s quickly creating a special spot in my heart reserved just for her.
I look forward to her texts. I enjoy hearing about how baby is doing. And I also like knowing that she is also doing well.
But, I’ve also realized that I really don’t like our texts. I’m always worried about saying the right thing. But of course, there is no right thing and no handbook for what to say to a birth mom who is carrying the child you hope to call your own. But, I still worry. Of course I do, I worry about everything.
In addition, I think it’s safe to say I hate our texting mostly because if she doesn’t respond I worry. Like seriously worry.
- Is baby okay?
- Does she no longer like us? Has she changed her mind?
- Maybe she’s going into early labour and she’s decided not to tell us so we won’t be able to raise Baby MPB.
- Did I say something wrong in my last text? What if I said something wrong?
Rationally, I know these are all possibilities. But so is the fact that maybe she’s in the shower and didn’t see my text. Or maybe she’s out with a friend and didn’t see my text. Or maybe, she just didn’t feel like responding right away because she’s doing any of a million other things that have nothing to do with me/us.
I have to say, I’m really glad we are building a relationship with her. She seems very sweet, loving and kind. But honestly, I hate this part of the adoption process. My mind and my heart are set on this little baby, and knowing every day that baby is out there literally across the continent and I cannot do anything is driving me crazy. This is by far the worst waiting so far. And, knowing our child is out there growing stronger every day is hard to celebrate when we know that there is a real possibility we won’t bring baby home with us. So much can change in an instant and we just don’t know because ultimately the decision to parent this little baby is not ours.
I keep trying to stay hopeful. I keep trying to focus on the positives. I keep trying, but I cannot lie, some days are hard.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.