This is a question that my husband and I have been considering for months now. Once we hit the critical 3rd consecutive miscarriage, we knew our chances of having biological children was greatly reduced. So, we started thinking about alternative ways to have children:
- Surrogacy (not recommended as a solution for us at this point)
- IVF with genetic testing (not recommended as a solution for us at this point)
- Donor egg / sperm (not recommended as a solution for us at this point)
- Adoption
- Foster Parenting
Right now, I’m focusing on our early thoughts on adoption. I am not going to debate the wonderful concepts of raising a child in need or providing a safe, loving family for a child that would otherwise go without.
We are seriously considering the possibility of adoption. But what we have started to learn is more complex and at times more overwhelming then miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss.
So, where do you begin when you start researching adoption? The most logical place in this day and age is the internet – obviously. Then you read a few websites, have a small panic attack, turn the computer off for a few hours/days, watch the Friends episode where Monica and Chandler begin researching adoption, then try to re-focus and dig into the information a bit more. Well, maybe that was just our experience.
Okay, seriously, we began by discovering there are multiple options available to adoption in our Country (Canada): Government Adoption, Direct Placement Adoption, International Adoption or Open Adoption. We would have to choose the one that best fits our desires. Then, we discovered that there are multiple agencies that manage the adoption process within our Province, so we will need to choose one. Once with an agency, there is rigorous processes that a family must go through to adopt (as there should be to weed out the crazies). The processes can take years and may include letters to potential birth parents, home study/inspection, pre-placement workshops, letters of reference, fees, etc. We are still a bit fuzzy on the process details, but we know we’d learn them all once we choose an agency and the process isn’t really a big factor in our decision. Really, once we did a bit of research on the process, we learned that the process itself really isn’t that complicated.
After we started to learn the very basics of adoption types and process, we then began to read everything we could on each type of adoption (of course we are cognizant of the fact that not everything that is posted on the internet is true, but it is still the best place to get the most information so internet reading is where we started). As two professionals, trained in data analysis and complex decision making, we love data and statistics! It might be considered by some to be a bit weird to have a love affair with data, but it’s just the way we are. So, for most major decisions (i.e. what mortgage value we are comfortable with; what dog breed fits our lifestyle, what bicycle to purchase, what car to buy, and what tent to buy for camping – you know, all the major decisions) we go through an analysis. We want to know the facts, so that we can determine the risks before we sign on the dotted line. So, we read all the statistics and data we could get our hands on. And statistics on adoption are pretty easy to find. We have read statistics on everything about the health of the children; the medical needs; the risks associated with children with special needs; the long term comparables to biological children; the statistics for different countries to adopt from; the fees; the wait times; etc. The list of facts just goes on and on and on.
Next on our investigative approach to adoption is meeting with friends of friends who have adopted. We have a tonne of questions to ask: What agency did they go through? Do you recommend that agency? What type of adoption did you use? Why did decide on that type of adoption? How did you manage telling your family about your decision? How did your family react? I’m sure before we actually meet with anyone, we will have a list of 50+ questions. (This of course means, we will likely scare these people away and they will be running to the hills before we even finish our appetizers).
Then, if we continue down the adoption route, we will begin meeting with adoption agencies to potentially initiate the process.
All I can say, in our opinion at this stage, the adoption process isn’t that bad, just takes time and money. However, the data is scary and paints a high risk picture regarding the children. But of course, this isn’t just a logical decision based solely on data and statistics. Emotion will play a substantial role and must be factored into the decision making. Lots to think about…
So, where are we today on the question of to adopt or not to adopt? For us, right now, we have no answer. Nothing about this decision is easy. It both logical and emotional. It is complicated and messy with no simple answer. We are thoroughly perplexed.
April 7 – it sounds like a wonderful day – spring is arriving, snow is melting, flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. But, for me, April 7 is my most dreaded day. After 17 years, I now find the anticipation of the day is actually harder than the day itself.
When I was only 14, on April 7, my family was in a car accident. Someone missed a stop sign, and in an instant my life was forever changed. I was not in the car. My Dad and older Brother miraculously survived. My Mom and my older Sister were both killed. There was no changing the outcome, they were dead and it was final. There became a marker in time – before the accident and after the accident.
I remember both my Mom and Sister all the time and I openly talk about them and the accident because I firmly believe that they shaped who I am today and continue to influence my life. Some days it feels like they died just yesterday, other days it feels like they’ve been gone forever. But today is special.
Today is the day, when I am filled with joy when I remember all the moments, each running through my mind like collection of still photos and short films. I hold dearly the memories I have, and I revel in the fact that at least I had 14 years with both of them. 14 years gave me enough time to have solid memories forever etched into my brain. 14 years is more than some people get with their loved ones, and for that I am eternally grateful.
Today is the day, when I force myself to remember how close I came to being the only one. This forces me to cherish the fact that my Dad and Brother survived and both made full recoveries. As hard as it is to think about, it could have been so much worse and because it wasn’t, I am grateful.
Today is the day, when I remember the last time I saw either of them alive. I will always wish I let that last hug linger just a few moments longer. I will always wish I had said, just one more time, I love you and I always will.
Today is the day, when I remember our close friend coming to my door and saying there has been a car accident, and somehow without knowing any details, I knew my life was forever changed. My Dad was able to call her from his cell phone once the car stopped rolling – he didn’t want me to find out form a police officer coming to our door. They took me into their lives, and wrapped me with love until our out of town family arrived to take care of me until my Dad and Brother were released from the hospital. I am grateful for her and their entire family.
Today is the day, when I silently remember. I think 17 years is past the statute of limitations on public grieving (not that I would anyways, that’s just not in my nature). I often think, has it really been 17 years? Wow!! How my life would be different if they were still here! 17 years!!
Today is the day, when I will tell my husband I love him over and over again. I will hold on to him just a little tighter for the fear of losing someone else I love dearly is bubbling a little too close to the surface.
Today is the day, when I remember wondering around the hospital in a complete daze and smiling at an old man wishing him well (I later found out, he was the one who missed the stop sign and killed them).
Today is the day, when I remember my first ever funeral and seeing my first ever dead bodies. The firsts that no child should ever experience.
Today is the day, when I am grateful they did not suffer in their final moments. There was no long drawn out battle with cancer, in which they would have suffered immeasurably. The car was t-boned on the passenger side, they were sitting on the passenger side. My mom died instantly, my sister died on route to the hospital. I was told due to the massive head injuries, she would not have felt anything. I take solace in the fact that their last moments were pain free.
Today is the day, when I am grateful they have each other. I believe they are together, wherever they may be.
Today is the day, when I wonder who my sister would have grown to be as an adult. I like to believe that she’d be married to a wonderful man, have a couple of adorable children and be an elementary school teacher. She loved children and they loved her. She would have been an amazing teacher, it was her dream.
Today is the day, when I am reminded that I have lost 4 babies and that I cannot call my mom or sister and have their words of wisdom imparted on me and a shoulder to cry on. There have been times in the past where I longed for my mom, particularly at life’s key millstones such as when I graduated from high school or graduated from my undergraduate degree or graduated from my master degree or when I was planning my wedding, or when we found out we were expecting for the first time (and each time after that). However, the last few years have been different. With the loss of 4 babies, I would give anything for a hug and the understanding that only a mother can give her child.
Today is the day, when I will listen to The Dance by Garth Brooks a few too many times, because it perfectly encapsulates my feelings:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance
Today is the day, when I will dream. I will dream about a future where I am half the mother my mom was to me and my siblings. Dream about knowing the love a child, in the same way I love my mom. Dream about having children become best friends in the same way my sister and I were. Dream about telling my children about their Grandma and Aunt, who positively touched and inspired greatness in everyone they encountered. Today, unlike past years, my dreams are also filled with hope for the future.
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My Perfect Breakdown 