My brother and sister-in-law have 2 beautiful boys. The eldest is 4 years old. The youngest is about 7 weeks old. By no means have they had it easy, but they do have 2 beautiful boys.

From what I know, their first baby, was an easy textbook pregnancy. Everything went according to plan, and there were no real issues. Their second baby was not so simple. They were expecting identical twins. They lost one of the twins about halfway through the pregnancy. There were significant risks for the second twin and they didn’t know if he would make it. He did. And, the miracle is that he’s also perfectly healthy.

I really struggled with their second pregnancy. They announced there pregnancy the same day we found out our third baby was dying. This was no fault of their own, they had no idea we were even trying to have kids, let along that we had received horrible news that day. I’ll never forget when they called, it was oddly late at night, and I said to my husband “either someone has died, or they are pregnant”. Thankfully, it was not a death. But for me, in that moment, the news hit me pretty hard. It’s hard to explain, but it was not good news. We made the decision not to say anything about our situation, first because we were not going to take away from there excitement, and secondly, because we didn’t want to add to their fears about having a healthy pregnancy. So, we kept quiet.

So, fast-forward a few months and they ended up in a very high risk situation and lost one of the twins. My brother was in no shape to call the entire family himself with the news and so he asked my Dad to let the rest of us know. My Dad, who know about our situation, decided not to tell me as he didn’t want to upset me. (While I understand where he was coming from, but this approach really upset me as I can handle it and did handle it and was probably more prepared to provide them with support then almost anyone else!). So, I ended up hearing at work through an email from my cousin – not the ideal way to find out. Oddly enough having been through 3 miscarriages, I had not cried once at work (in my opinion personal emotion does not belong in an office). But, when I found out about there’s, I sat in my office in tears and quickly got myself back to together so I could leave until I could regain my composure. I also called my brother and told him about our situation and offered to let them talk to us anytime they wanted to.

So, fast-forward a few more months and we found out we were pregnant again with baby 4. And a few more weeks later, their baby boy was born. And a few more weeks later, a day after a visit with him we found out our baby was dead.

I know it’s inappropriate, but I just don’t like to be around him as our third and fourth babies are just so strongly linked to him. Every time I look at him, I only think about our 2 dead babies. I see his face, and I long to see the faces of our babies. I dread holding him because all I think about is not being able to hold our babies (and if my dad forces him at me one more time to hold, it’s not going to end well for my Dad). Its feelings like this that I didn’t expect as an outcome of recurrent pregnancy loss. I despise these feelings.  I hate myself for having them.  I feel horribly guilty for having them. I wish I could just be happy for them and enjoy their happiness, but instead I have these silent emotions that make everything so much more complicated.

I recognize that these feelings are absolutely not his fault, and I desperately hope these feelings dissipates with time and I can just see him for him. And I just know, I will spend his entire life showering him with gifts to compensate for my silent feelings (and I’m pretty sure he will absolute love the gifts).

29 days ago we received the unexpected news that we were going to miscarry for the 4th consecutive time. Even though we had 3 previous losses, we were blindsided by the news. Our baby had a healthy fetal heart rate (this was a first for us), the doctors told us this was a good sign and to be cautiously optimistic. With our history, we definitely understood the need to be cautious, but still when we got the news we were heartbroken. We are still heartbroken.

That said, after 29 days, our doctor finally declared this miscarriage complete! At this point, this is the best news we could have received. This means, no more missed work, no more threat of infection, no more painful procedures to remove pregnancy products, no ultrasounds, and no nearly daily doctor appointments.

I still find it rather remarkable that in a short 29 days we went from being excited expecting parents, to be thrilled that the physical miscarriage is complete. This doesn’t mean we are sad for who our baby was and sad for who our baby could have become. We are sad that we will never get to experience all the baby firsts – smiles, laughs, and even gross diapers. But, today, we will focus on how great it is that I am healthy, and that we can again begin enjoying the simple things in life and focusing on living healthy and looking towards baby 5 with hope and optimism. Of course there is fear too, when we think about trying again, but we will deal with that when we get there. For now, we will work to focus on healthy living and hope.

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