I started this blog as an outlet to discuss our recurrent pregnancy loss experiences. During our fourth loss, I was looking for a new way to cope. Something that would help me through a really hard time. And, I thought, hey, maybe I can help someone else going through this since only 1% of couples will experience recurrent pregnancy loss (defined as 3 consecutive miscarriages). So, by putting my story out there, maybe another person in that 1% will feel a little less alone.

However, after writing for about a month, I’ve decided that I don’t want to focus on just one element of my life. Yes, it is an important element, it’s currently on my mind a lot, but it is not the sole focus on my life. This experience and whatever our version of family becomes during the next few years, will most definitely influence my life, but I refuse to let recurrent pregnancy loss define my entire life.

And, I have so much more to say on a whole lot more topics.

So, what am I going to write about? In addition to our recurrent pregnancy loss journey, I suspect I might write about things like the sudden death of my mom and sister when I was a 14 years old, our dog (yes, I am a crazy dog lady), our insane extended family, my amazing husband (I may be biased, but I think he’s pretty great), my career, an interesting book I read, our travels, or my desire to do everything perfectly all the time (yes, on some level, I realize this is impossible, but I try anyways and I’ve been rather successful at it for a really long time).

I figure the options are limitless, so I’m not going to constrain myself to one topic.

Please feel free to follow along through this window into my life.

Today, I’m thinking about Mother’s Day. I’m not a mom. I am grappling with the reality that I may never be a mom. However, today is not about me. Today is about my mom.

My mom is an amazing women. She loves.  She loves with her whole heart and soul.

She cares for all people. Her life is dedicated to helping those in need. On any given day she may be at home caring for her three kids, and whatever friends or stray animals they bring home (we particularly liked to bring home cats which everyone in the house is allergic to). She might spend her evening working on math, spelling or proof reading reports. She may spend her evening running 1 kid to soccer, another to ballet and the other to his part time job. She might be running around the grocery store trying to plan a weeks’ worth of healthy meals. She may be tending to a sick child, who believes their cold is going to result in the Armageddon. She may be brokering peace between the youngest and the oldest, who really like to fight with each other. And, she may be doing all of this in one evening, sort of like a real life superwomen. Or, if she’s at work, she’s dedicated to helping the less fortunate turn around there lives by developing skills and finding meaningful employment. Or she might be using her few precious free moments to help at the local church or at one of the kid’s schools.

My mom leaves a lasting impact. My mom inspires people to do more. My mom inspires me to live life to its fullest. To trust in society and the common good. To find the silver lining at the end of a bad day. To find the good in everyone. To dedicate my life to those in need. To live responsibly and within our means. To smile more. To believe. To care. To love.

My mom is no longer actively doing any of this. She is no longer loving, caring, or giving of herself. My mom is dead. She died suddenly 17 years ago, when I was just a young girl of 14. But, in death my mom continues to leave a lasting impact. My mom continues to inspire me. My mom continues to push me to be a better person.

Now, I’m not saying my mom was perfect, everyone makes mistakes every now and again and I’m sure she did. Yes, we fought – I wasn’t always the easiest child. But, I am saying, she lived her life good and right. And, in the eyes of this 14 year old girl, my mom was as close to perfect as one can get.

I will always respect my mom for everything she accomplished in life. I aspire to be half the women she was.

I will always love my mom.

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