Dear Melissa,
It has been so long since we last spoke – at a time when we were full of youthful innocence. Wow, has life changed. Where do I even begin to start? You have been gone too long and I have so much to tell you.
I wonder do you know what happened to the rest of us since you and mom left us so many years ago?
Do you know that Dad got remarried and my step-brother shares the same name as our brother? It’s not a common name, so it’s really rather weird. His second wife is pretty nice and absolutely nothing like Mom, but I figure that’s a good thing. When they got married, in addition to getting a step-brother, I also got a step-sister. She’s a lot younger than me, but I just adore her. It’s funny how in so many ways that I ended up with a little sister of my own.
Do you know that your best friends are doing well? I’ve done a pretty bad job of keeping in touch with them through the years, but I hear through the grapevine that they are both doing well. One of them has a couple of kids, who are pretty cute in all the pictures I saw on Facebook (oh, and Facebook exits now, and so does blogging, but that’s a whole different conversation). I’m sure all your friends miss you too.
Do you know that I finished high school, and got a couple of university degrees and have even traveled to some really amazing places like Angkor Wat and Machu Picchu. I wonder if you would have been bitten by the travel bug too. On paper, I’ve done all right for myself. It hasn’t always been easy, but I’ve worked hard and done okay – I think you’d be proud. I’m a bit lost right now on what I want to do with my professional life, but I’m hoping I figure it out with some time and patience. But as I’m sure you remember, I’m not the most patient of people!
Did you know that our Aunt and Uncle adopted two of the cutest girls in the world? We both loved spending time with them and there boys, so I just know you would have loved the little girls as much as I do. I guess they aren’t so little any more, but you would still have loved watching them grow and helping them learn there ABC’s. I just imagine that you would have begged mom and dad to fly you down to visit in the summers so that you could have spent your days babysitting and playing with them. I think everyone knew just how amazing you were with kids, so this wouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone.
Did you know the day that I was officially older then you, the day that I had lived a longer life then my older sister, was one of the hardest days of my life. So was my 28th birthday which marked half my life with you and mom and half my life without you and mom. It is so weird to think that I have lived more of my life without you then I did with you. It’s very strange indeed. I’m still dreading the day I outlive mom, although truth be told, I kinda hope to reach that day because life is generally pretty good and I’d like to live beyond the young age of 43.
Oh, and do you know that I met and married the most amazing man? I think you’d really like him – he’s kind, he’s intelligent, he’s pretty cute, he loves me so much and he makes me smile every single day. I wish so much you could have been there at our wedding – it was a beautiful evening outdoor ceremony on a cool winter day in the Rocky Mountains – you would have loved it. You were always meant to be my maid of honor, but since you couldn’t be there one of my friends did a good job standing in for you. I longed to have you there with me. Our brother gave a nice toast, and our Dad held it together pretty well too! Dad and I danced to the song Holes in the Floor of Heaven by Steve Wariner. somehow I couldn’t think of a better song. Oh, and did I mention our wedding was on the same day as your birthday? We toasted to what would have been your 30th birthday and to you and mom for all that you were and still are.
Did you know that our older brother is married to a nice lady and they have a couple of little boys? I hope now that he’s a Dad, karma gets even with him for all the times he teased and bugged us! My husband and I don’t have any living kids yet, but I still hope one day we will have a family of our own. With kids that will know the love we did from our parents. I would love to much for my children to one day share the same type of relationship you and I shared.
Most of all, I hope you know that not a day goes by where I do not miss you. Not a day goes by where I do not think of you.
Some days I get angry that you and mom are gone. Some days I feel a bit sorry for myself that I’m the girl who lost her mom and sister in a car accident at 14 years old. And some days, I get really angry at the guy who wasn’t paying enough attention and missed a stop-sign. But honestly, I try not to hold onto these emotions, because no good will come of anger. I know it was not a malicious act that took your lives, and for that I am grateful. Knowing this is part of why I’ve been able to move away from the anger and live a life centered around happiness.
So instead I focus on the happy moments, and I remember all the good times. Like dancing with you to Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll – do you remember our routine? Or singing together to Deana Carter’s Strawberry Wine. Or riding our bikes together to go swimming on hot summer days. Or playing at Grandpa’s cottage together. Or pretending the floor was lava and we could only touch furniture – I will never understand how that game provided us with countless hours of entertainment. Or the hours we spent together making friendship bracelets and painting our toenails. Or even that time we spent Easter with our aunt and uncle and helped all the little kids at the giant Easter egg hunt in their back yard. Oh, we had so much fun as children and young teenagers! I often wonder what our lives would be like if you were still here.
While I’m sure we fought, like all children do, I don’t seem to have vivid memories of our arguments. Except maybe that time I hit you with my skate guard or that time I wrote my name in all your books. But I am pretty sure I only remember those things because I remember how much trouble I got in! I think Mom and Dad were madder at me then you were! You had a gift in that you never seemed to get angry and you always knew how to forgive and love – I strive to live with these qualities that you shared with the world. By the way, I never got the chance to really apologize for all my annoying little sister things – I’m sorry about each and every time I annoyed you. I’m Sorry I wasn’t always a better little sister. I so hope you know that, and I wish I could have told you that in person so many years ago.
But you know what, more than anything, I’m just thankful for the time we did share. We had so many good times together. I’m thankful we were so close in age that I saw you as one of my best friends, and not just an annoying sibling who I had to tolerate. I’m thankful you were such a tremendous impact on my formative years – I would not be the person I am today, if it were not for you. Honestly, I’m just so thankful that you were and still are my sister and my forever best friend.
With love always.
Your Little Sister
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
The last few weeks have been rather tough on me (and my husband too), and I’ve used my blog space to share my emotions. The good, the bad and the really ugly and downright hard. I’d say the last few weeks in my personal life, and therefore my blogging life have included some of the hardest moments of my life. (And thank you to everyone who has showered us with support and love – I am so incredibly grateful!)
So, today I want to take a minute to share that while we are coming to terms with our reality, we are also not living under a constant cloud. We are living, we are enjoying and we are generally happy.
I sat here thinking about what my happiness, anxiety and anger would look like through the last month if I were to chart it. So, using a simple scare of 1-10 (with 10 being high for all three emotions), the last month would look something like this (note that the bump on October 9th would be a direct result of receiving our bad preliminary diagnosis from Dr. B):
The biggest thing I notice from the trend is probably rather obvious to most people, particularly anyone who studies psychology.
The happier I am, the less anxious and angry I feel.
The more anxious and angry I feel, the less happy I am.
I didn’t need a PhD in psychology to figure out these correlations, but yet it was so much easier to see when I charted my emotional levels.
And interestingly, if I look at the dates of everything, it was the last third of October when I my emotions started to actually switch.
My anger at the end of September and beginning of October was probably off the charts. It wasn’t until the middle of October when I was able to start letting go of some of my anger towards our RE. I know I am still harboring some of the anger, and I’m not really sure what to do with it. I know I need to find a way to let it go, but honestly, I just don’t know how. I am still blaming him for our 4th and 5th losses. If we knew what we know now we would never have tried to conceive those babies which were just bound to die without proper care, and in my opinion our RE was not providing us with adequate care. I have to find a way to let go of the rest of my anger, but I’m at a loss for how to actually do it.
My anxiety about everything is clearly highest when we were dealing with the progesterone fiasco and the resulting distrust with our RE. My anxiety has actually dropped a lot since seeing Dr. B. Not because he has found an affordable solution, but because I am accepting the situation for what it is. I am less anxious about getting pregnant again, because we are actively trying not to. I am less anxious about another miscarriage, because as long I am not pregnant, I cannot miscarry. I am less anxious about bad news from Dr. B, because honestly it cannot get much worse then what we’ve already been told. What I am anxious about is different today than it was before – I am not anxious and slightly overwhelmed by the entire adoption process. But, I think I’m sitting at a much healthier level of anxiety today, then I was a month ago.
As for happiness. Oh, how I love happiness. In my humble opinion, happiness is what makes life worth living. If I cannot see happiness, then I have a serious problem. This is why my 100 days of happiness project has been so important to me, and why I have continued it beyond the 100 days. For me, it is a really eye opening practice that has forced me to look beyond the bad moment, or the bad day, or even the bad week to see that life always has moments of beauty that can make me smile. It has been important to me to acknowledge happiness even on the worst of days. I am not one to be depressed, and I will continue to search our happiness because I need happiness. So, my plan is just that, I will continue to focus on the happy moments and I will continue to create happiness in my life. That said, my happiness wish has not changed and I could still really use to be smacked across the face with pure happiness. Simple, obvious, pure, ecstatic happiness.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 