Today is an interesting day. I have lots in my mind, but for one of the first times ever, I’m just not sure how to get any of it out. And, I’m not sure that I will even be able to finish a post before I go to bed tonight, or even before 7am on Friday when I typically post.

So bare with me, this might just turn into a giant rambling rant, but I’m just going to go with it as I write through everything that is on my mind.

My career crisis is still top of mind for me. I am really at a loss for what to do, and I’m really struggling with being so lost. It’s just not a scenario I’m used to. While doing contract work from home has some perks, it also has a pretty big drawback – I don’t have much of it. Ideally I’d like to find a way to be confident that I could be working a solid 1 or 2 days a week, instead of my current situation where I have no idea if I’ll be working at all on any given week. And, when I do look for professional part-time work, it’s impossible to find, at least from a standard job ad perspective. If I want a part time job at Starbucks, or as a trucker, I can find that work very easily, but I know that’s not the type of work I’m looking for. So, what am I going to do? I have no freaking idea – hence the stress!

I’ve been trying for a few weeks to write a post about a thankful list – I’ve read a few others on other peoples blogs, and each time I try to write I get stuck on the fact that I am so unbelievably thankful for all of you, in the blogging community.  The last few months have been particularly hard for us as we’ve closed one door and are opening another.  It’s not that I’m not thankful for a number of other things, but right now, its the support that we’ve received through my blog that has meant so much to us.  I’m so unbelievably thankful for all the support we have received from each one of you.  Quite literally, as I was writing this paragraph, I got the nicest picture about adoption from another blogger – it is simple, kind thoughts like this that just make my heart melt.  It’s not enough, but all I can say from the bottom of my heart is thank you to every single person who has supported us through everything, through comments, emails or silently.  Please know that I am honoured to have you all in my life.

On the adoption front, we’ve been busy this week. We’ve talked to our three references who were all super excited for us and honoured to be a reference. We’ve told a few more friends and a few family members. We’ve submitted the reference paper work to our local agency who will be doing the front end home study work with us. We paid our official application fee with the local agency. We have spoken to multiple agencies in the USA, and as of this moment we are 98% convinced that we will be going with an agency in California.

We’ve noticed an interesting trend that most people are asking what race of child we will adopt. We haven’t made our minds up on this one, and are really looking forward to working with our agency on the home study to help determine exactly what we will choose.  (I still find this odd, but it is a choice we have to make so we will).

We’ve also noticed that people are shocked that we’ve chosen to go to the USA. We were told to expect this, as most people assume an international adoption will be from countries such as Russia, China, Ethiopia, etc. And, just like us, most Canadians don’t realize the USA is even a viable option. If we are comfortable, and we have been so far, we simply explain some of the reasons why we’ve chosen the USA and so far everyone has been very supportive of our decision.

As for all our Recurrent Pregnancy Loss stuff, we are pretty much done with trying again. This is probably pretty clear given my posts lately on the subject – as from a psychological perspective I know I cannot try again given our prognosis. But, and yes, there is a but. We are really frustrated with Dr. Braverman and his staff. We should have had our results a week ago, and we have heard nothing. I’m pretty sure I paid Dr. Braverman for a response and a protocol design to be done in a timely manner. Honestly, I would respect and be happy with having an honest response of just being told that they cannot get our results to us in the estimated timeline for whatever reason, instead they have been giving us the runaround. When I’ve asked for an update, I’ve been told 6 weeks usually and you’ll get them when you get them.

This type of disrespectful response is what I have come to expect from my Canadian doctors, but I am not okay with getting it from a doctor that I have paid a sizable amount of our hard earned cash to! And since he missed his promised time frame, we ended up having to cancel our appointment with our local RE because there was no point on going to him without knowing what type of treatment options we wanted to discuss regarding what he would or would not make available locally (remember, our expectations are really low, but we wanted to confirm).  And to make matters worse, they’ve even been incredibly unresponsive to my simple request for a formal receipt for our appointment! I need it for tax purposes, and while it’s not yet an urgent matter as tax season is still months away, it really shouldn’t be that hard to get me a receipt! So, all I can say right now, is that we are pretty frustrated with Dr. Braverman and his staff.

And, I have finally figured out one of the things that has thrown me off balance this week – we haven’t been cooking much. We’ve been so busy spending our evenings butchering and processing the 2 deers that Mr. MBP and his friends got, that we haven’t had time to actually cook meals. I have a horrible habit of eating quick meals (aka poorly) when Mr. MPB isn’t around (i.e. Kraft Dinner, cereal for supper, etc.) and then we’ve been ordering delivery the other nights. Our bodies are not used to process food, and I think we are both feeling it now. I finally got my act together and made venison chili, and we’ve really enjoyed it since it was pretty awesome. I think I need to get back to making an effort to cook fresh meals.

Oh, and I cannot forget to mention our dog.  She’s been on my mind a lot this week as she’s been off which clearly stresses me out. She didn’t eat for an entire day, and when she started eating again she would only do it if I am in the room and watching. She won’t even keep eating if I start doing something in the same room, I literally have to watch her eat. So, needless to say this is very peculiar. She’s 80+ pound dog, who loves food. Mr. MPB thinks that she might be boycotting her food as she’s been used to getting deer meat treats the last few week and now we are out.  Needless to say, I’m just confused, and am trying to convince myself that as long as she will eat and drink then she’s okay, even if annoyingly fussy.

Clearly, as this post exemplifies, I’m feeling a bit out of sorts and my mind if running with a million different thoughts. So, hopefully I can find some calm and peace this weekend and put my mind to rest even if just for a few hours.

Anyways, that concludes my overly long ramble.  I’m impressed if anyone made it this far…

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.