Last week, right after we found out my in-laws are expecting, I knew I was taking it pretty hard, as was pretty evidently in my post. Then the week just kept getting worse with frustrating adoption stuff and an ankle injury.
I reached out, I let in-real-life friends in and I even asked for help.
I started by emailing a very dear friend who lives in a different city and venting. I felt like an insensitive ass myself, as she is going through her own stuff and instead I dumped mine on her. As always, she was amazing and has been nothing but supportive – you know, just how true friends really are!
Then, I asked a very good friend to meet up for lunch as I needed out of the house and I needed to talk. She unfortunately was busy, but not too busy to impart a few very important pieces of wisdom. First, she reminded me how much she cares about me, and wants to help. She tried to come see me that night instead, which of course didn’t fit my schedule. Then, most importantly she called me. We are awesome friends, but we always tend to text – neither of us are big phone people. Anyways, I missed her call, but she said something very poignant in her message “when you call our for help, that means you really need help.”
And while our schedules were not going to allow us to meet up, she was so right with that comment. I never ask for help, and I just did.
I thought of calling a few other friends, but it just didn’t feel right – most of our friends have young families, and I didn’t want my emotional response to my BIL to make them feel bad for how they may have told us about their pregnancies (in which they were drastically more sympathetic and loving). But, I was concerned that my emotions would be mus-interpreted as also being upset with them, which is just not the case.
My next step was to call my counsellor’s clinic and ask for a cancellation appointment if one comes available. Of course, that would not work out for me, as her booking coordinator is on vacation.
So, I stewed over the decision to reach out for a few more hours. And during this time, I remembered my friends words, I only ask for help when I really need it. So, I worked up the nerve to call my counsellor directly. (Yes, I do have her direct cell phone number – I hated the thought of using it, absolutely hated the thought).
Anyways, I got her voicemail and actually left a message. She back within a few hours – I suspect she knows that if I called her directly something big had happened. We talked for a bit on the phone and she reinforced that all my emotions right now are normal and justified. In the end she promised to try to get me in when she has a cancellation come up.
Part of me really hates that I phoned her directly – I hate feeling so hurt that I don’t know how to fix it myself. Part of me hates that I needed to call a paid professional, yet I do realize that the reason I phoned her is because she is a professional who will actually understand or at least appreciate where my emotions are coming from. And you know what, the other part of me just hates that I had to ask for help – I really do hate asking for help (funny how well my friend knows me).
But, another part of me realizes that I really shouldn’t overlook just how important it is that I asked for help. I would never have asked for help three years ago, and now I am asking friends who I trust, and calling in the experts when I really need one. While I may not be breaking down walls, and in fact may have started re-building some walls, it has to be a good thing that I did reach out to someone. Right? Maybe I should consider this personal growth for my type-a personality who loves to control everything and do everything on my own?
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I am searching to understand my recent reaction to the news that Mr. MPB’s younger brother and his wife are expecting. I took it pretty hard and I am still reeling with a million emotions. I’ve decided that if I can understand my strong emotional response I’ll probably be better able to accept the emotions and start to move on.
So, based on this I’ve spent a few days thinking about (and talking Mr. MPB’s ear off) trying to dissect my emotional response. And, I think I’ve started to figure out a large part of where the hurt is coming from:
When the announced their pregnancy they showed us absolutely no compassion. In fact, some would say they were downright mean.
Of everyone we know, these two people knew better. Here is my list of why they knew better:
- It is one thing for someone to hurt us with a pregnancy announcement when they don’t know the intimate details of our struggles, but they knew. And their knowledge means that they should have been more compassionate and a little less self-centered. They have known about our struggles from the very start. They are the only ones who knew we were trying, and knew about our 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 loss as they happened. They knew about our decision to terminate for medical reasons. They know our decision to adopt has not been made lightly. Hell, they are so intimately aware of everything that we trusted them as an were an adoption reference for us and are currently listed in our wills as the legal guardians for our future children.
- They told us the same night they told the rest of the family. There was no heads up. I’m not asking for intimate details, but a heads up would have been nice. They could have said we are starting to try. Or we are 6 weeks, or 8 weeks, or 10 weeks pregnant. Instead we just got a 12 weeks pregnancy announcement stating that they are so excited and we are telling everyone tonight! They gave us absolutely no time to catch our breath and brace ourselves for the forced happiness from everyone else.
- They wanted to tell us face to face via skype. This is actually how we knew the news was coming – they have never asked to talk with us via skype before. We had to create a safe space for us to receive the news – they did not even think about how hard their news might be for us and wanted to force a face to face interaction. We had to claim that we were having problems with skype so that we could receive the news without being forced to visibly act happy. We had to protect ourselves. Seriously, on what planet is that an appropriate way to tell us??! To think we would be overcome by joy is simply delusional and in fact as soon as they told Mr. MPB on the phone I broke into tears because we will never know the happiness that they are able to experience.
- One of them is a family physician trained to understand the effects of miscarriages and infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. Did they just forget the lessons in compassion??
- They didn’t even have the compassion to say, I’m not sure how to tell you this, and I’m sure it will be hard to hear, but we are pregnant. Nope. Nada. It was simply we are so excited to tell you that we are pregnant and due in August. And then they proceeded to tell us all about the awesomeness of their pregnancy and how they are going to prepare their nursery.
- For over 2 years now we have turned to them for support. We have shared our lives with them. We have confided in them on the deepest level, and they chose not to tell us anything. Clearly it is not a reciprocal relationship, and our trust and confidence in them is now shattered. And, the hurt I feel as a result is immeasurable.
So while I’m sad that we will not have the first grandchild, today I realize that my sadness is outweighed by the hurt I am feeling.
Yes they deserve to be happy, and quite frankly they should be. But, we also deserve compassion and love from these individuals. Simply, I am hurt that they showed us no compassion. And I’m not prepared to make any excuses for them, they knew about our situation and they chose not to be sensitive. And what makes this hurt worse, is out of everyone in our lives, we never expected this from them. Being hurt by them just makes the sting that much harder.
Lately I’ve been writing about our independence, and I’ve been wondering if it’s a good thing. But you know what, as I sit here digesting the extreme hurt we are feeling due to their actions, I am reminded about why we choose to live where we do and lead our lives so independently. After years of working to bring down the wall and let them in, I have built the wall back up even higher in the span of just a few days. I am tired of being hurt.
I am so sick of opening ourselves up to them and constantly being hurt. Asking for simple compassion shouldn’t be too much to ask for. We have so many compassionate and loving friends in-real-life and in the blogging world, so we know without a doubt that compassion exists in this world.
I am sick of making excuses for our family member’s decision to act selfishly and cruelly. Today, I realize that I am more hurt by their complete lack of compassion towards us then by anything else.
So, with this, I am picking myself back up and I am also making another promise to myself:
I am no longer wasting my time on those who choose to hurt me.
I deserve better, and from here on out I will demand better.
So, while I never thought I’d quote Katy Perry, today I will end with a quote from By The Grace Of God:
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way…
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved…
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free
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