I have never really struggled to write. Normally words just fall out of me and my fingers type as fast as they can to keep up with my brain. I suspect it’s somewhat similar to how a pianist feels when they sit down at a piano. This is my version of music.
I enjoy writing. I take comfort in expressing myself through the written word.
I love hearing the tap.tap.tap of my keyboard. I love driving people crazy who happen to hear my speedy typing (I can type much faster than the average person). In fact, one of my favourite things is to write super speedily without looking while talking to Mr. MPB – it drives him absolutely mad.
So, I’m experiencing something new today –
I have no words.
I’m not sure where they went, but they seem to simply be gone. And I’m not sure how to get them back. Will they come back? Or will I just keep spending hours staring at a blank screen? How do others overcome this?
I could write about adoption, but when nothing is happening I have nothing to say asides from general complaining about the timelines and my lack of patience.
I could write about miscarriage, but I just don’t feel like it right now for no real reason.
I could write about Mr. MPB and / or our dog, but Mr. MPB is just horribly sick with some sort of stomach flu so I’m just spending my time taking care of him and staying far, far away from him. And the dog, she’s also sick, or at least suffering from some sort of dry skin thing. But the vet has her on prednisone and things seem to be improving.
Or maybe I should write about working, but honestly working is boring. And since I cannot discuss what I actually do, it’s really hard to write about it. Sentences with giant gaps like “today I worked on ___, and I accomplished ___” just don’t seem fun for me to write or interesting to anyone who might be reading.
Really, maybe my words have left me because life is pretty boring these days and at the same time I seem to lack the desire to dive into anything emotional today. So maybe, my words haven’t actually left me (well clearly they haven’t considering I’ve written nearly 500 words of rambling gibberish that properly shouldn’t have been posted publically). I guess, I just don’t feel like diving into anything deep right now. Because I know if I wanted to write something meaningful about miscarriage and baby loss I could – it’s a subject that is so profoundly close to my heart and very being that I always have something to say about it. Also, I could easily write something about adoption, for starters I could talk about how I’ve received more negative comments from the internet world for our choice to adopt then I have for our choice to terminate a pregnancy. For me this is both fascinating and really unexpected – I think I will write on that actually, maybe next week. (A quick side note – as per my blogging rules, I do not post the negative comments as I do not support spreading hatred).
But today, I just don’t feel like diving into anything real, raw and/or emotional.
So instead, I am going to play with my dog.
Wishing everyone a happy weekend!
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It is so weird to fill out a child desirability form, and we often receive questions about our choices.
Honestly, this is one of the strangest things about the adoption process. And I believe that no-one outside of adoption realizes just how weird it this is to actually do. It’s one thing to think to yourself what would I do if? It’s a whole different thing to actually sit down and check boxes and to understand the consequences of our selections on ourselves, our child and our extended family.
In fact, in real life we’ve been asked countless times, and it’s even been suggested that we get a “half black baby because they are the cutest” and each time we respond with our child may be of a different race and do not give details. Of course, we are always shocked by this type of comment, because honestly, on what planet is it appropriate to say things like this?! But somehow, people’s curiosity about adoption seems to get the best of them.
We’ve also been asked if our child will be healthy, and we always simply say that our child will be healthier via adoption then it ever would if we were to try to carry a biological child to term. Again, we are shocked by this question. I don’t ask pregnant women if their child will be healthy. I don’t ask pregnant women if they are drinking or shooting up cocaine. Heck, I don’t even ask if they are taking their prenatal vitamins. This would be considered invasive in normal pregnant situations, which means it is also invasive to ask people who are adopting. While we have a lot of not so nice ways to respond to these questions, instead we tend to stick to a polite response like things can go wrong in any pregnancy and children can be born with any number of ailments, and children can develop any number of ailments as they age. I believe all parents hope for a healthy child, and with our choice to adopt we are no different, but we will handle whatever happens just like nearly any other parent in the world does.
Ultimately, we made the decision not to share our selections with anyone. We were warned that if people know our child had exposure to a particular drug, that for the rest of our child’s life we and even they would hear your child did that because their birth mother smoked pot or your child has behavioural problems because their birth mom drank. We decided that this was not something we were willing to gamble on, and so this information will remain private between Mr. MPB, myself, our family doctor and our counsellor. And at the age appropriate time our child will know as well. But otherwise, we are not saying a word to anyone, no matter who they are.
In dealing with the questions we’ve been asked, we’ve learned that if we are vague. When our answers are vague, people seem to stop asking questions or move on. When our answers are a bit too detailed, people seem to keep asking questions. So, our approach is to be polite and vague. So far, polite and vague seems to be working.
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My Perfect Breakdown 