But, this time it’s different. This time, I’m ecstatic!
Good friends of ours have been struggling. We are about 2 years ahead of them in our struggle, meaning we’ve lived what they have been living before they started living it. Of course our situations aren’t identical, but they were similar enough in that they’ve been trying to get pregnant for a few years. The only pregnancy they’ve had ended in miscarriage. And she’s quit her job hoping that removing the major source of stress in her life will help, just like I did.
Well, I guess removing the stress helped as they just told us they are almost 4 months pregnant. They are out of the riskiest time and things are looking great. They apologized for not telling us sooner, to which we said, no worries, we get it!
I have no idea why, but anytime someone gets pregnant who has struggled with infertility and/or loss, all I want to do is throw them a giant celebratory party. On my part, there are virtually no feelings of envy or jealousy or hurt for what we had to endure. In stead, I’m just overjoyed! I feel the need to break out the champagne and I’m already thinking about baby gifts and not with dread. In fact, I plan to ask her what of ours they need/want and just hand it over to them. The baby stuff that our friends who are done having children passed on to us has been useful to us, so I plan to pass it on. And now I’m thrilled to be able to pass it on to someone who will truly appreciate it!
And so today, I cannot help but be hopeful for others out there waiting and trying everything they can to welcome their own child one day.
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But, with this good news there also comes bad news. They also told us they are moving. A relocation hours away from where we all currently live is required. We’ve known this was a possibility for months, but now it’s been confirmed. So, while I’m thrilled for them, I so am so incredibly sad to be losing such great friends who have been some of our most supportive and understanding friends in the last few years. (I know realistically I’m not actually losing them, we will still be friends. But right now, the distance makes me feel like we are losing them because it just wont be the same).
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I’m having a bad day. It’s hard to explain simply, but I can easily say that the events of today have thrown my world just a bit off kilter. Nothing is catastrophically wrong, just my faith in the world has been shaken.
After years of counseling (while going through recurrent pregnancy loss), I learned that when I get stressed I move into my head. I dwell, I worry, I think through every scenario I possibly can. Quite frankly, I obsess. And I get incredibly quiet.
This most recent shaking has done this to me again – I’m working by-myself at home right now, so it’s very easy to be quiet. And it’s also very easy to be in my head and obsessively worrying about things that I cannot change.
The silence is almost deafening, if it weren’t for the thousand thoughts running around my mind.
Yet, I rationally realize that this situation truly doesn’t involve me directly. In fact, it involves Mr. MPB professional life and so I really have no ability to influence this situation. And so, while I cannot help but worry, I realize I really have no ability to influence the situation. I have to sit on the sidelines, watch the pieces fall where they may and be there to support Mr. MPB in anyway I can.
Yet, I feel betrayed, disappointment and hurt. Mostly, I just feel disappointed. And if I feel this way, I can only imagine how Mr. MPB must be feeling.
I guess what I cannot help but wonder right now is why is it that people don’t think before they act? And why does it hurt so much more when it’s people you trust?
If you’ve managed to follow me through until this point, I commend you. I’m not sure anything I’ve said actually makes sense.
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My Perfect Breakdown 