We live in a community with multiple schools nearby.  We actually chose this neighbourhood in large part because of these schools – they are excellent schools and we both want our child to be able to walk to school as they are growing up.

While we were trying to get pregnant, enduring losses and contemplating our future, these schools became a constant reminder of what we don’t have and may not ever have.  I started trying to find ways to get to my house without going past a school – it’s essentially impossible.  And so, every time I drove by a school, I just hoped I wouldn’t drive past while kids are outside.  I’d do almost anything to avoid driving past at recess, or at morning drop off or after school pick up.  I learned the times and avoided them, driving the long way if I had to.

I hated watching the parents walk their kids to the school.

I hated watching the kids playing in the school yard.

I hated watching kids laugh and have fun.

I hated watching parents give their kids a hug at the front door.

I hated the reminder of what we may never have.

And, then this happened today.  I drove past one of the schools on my way to go shopping.  Instead of being overcome by fear and sadness, I noticed that the playground will filled with individual activities, with parents running each station and kids laughing and playing.  My mind quickly figured out that it’s the last day of school, and all the dad’s were volunteering to help with some sort of fun-day celebration.  (There may have been mom’s too, I was driving and just noticed dad’s).

And for the first time in what feels like ever, my heart was happy.  This is no longer a dream of mine, it is in fact reality.  I can now actually picture Mr. MPB and Baby MPB playing in that very field in a few years time.  I can  see myself walking with our dog to drop Baby MPB off at school for the day.  I can see Baby MPB carrying his little backpack to school.  I can see his face lighting up with a smile when the school day is done.  I can picture him telling us stories about his day.

Today I realized that I can see Baby MPB’s future.  He is no longer just a hope and dream and a what if.  I can literally picture his features, because I know what he looks like (obviously).  He is really here, and we are really going to get to see the world through his eyes.  Heck, we already are seeing the world through his eyes.

Part of me wants to mourn the days that are already gone by.  Part of me thinks I should cry when I put away his itty-bitty clothing, never to be worn again.  Everyday he changes, everyday he makes a new discovery and explores something new.  He truly is growing up so quickly.

But honestly, I am yet to cry over him growing up – so far I have not let a single tear fall from my eyes over the fact that’s he’s growing up.

Instead, I am focused on just how excited I am to have the privilege of watching him grow up.  I realize how close we were to not having a child, and so I am focused on embracing the privilege of being his mom.  So I choose to celebrate each milestone and encourage him to reach the next one.

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