School Yard
We live in a community with multiple schools nearby. We actually chose this neighbourhood in large part because of these schools – they are excellent schools and we both want our child to be able to walk to school as they are growing up.
While we were trying to get pregnant, enduring losses and contemplating our future, these schools became a constant reminder of what we don’t have and may not ever have. I started trying to find ways to get to my house without going past a school – it’s essentially impossible. And so, every time I drove by a school, I just hoped I wouldn’t drive past while kids are outside. I’d do almost anything to avoid driving past at recess, or at morning drop off or after school pick up. I learned the times and avoided them, driving the long way if I had to.
I hated watching the parents walk their kids to the school.
I hated watching the kids playing in the school yard.
I hated watching kids laugh and have fun.
I hated watching parents give their kids a hug at the front door.
I hated the reminder of what we may never have.
And, then this happened today. I drove past one of the schools on my way to go shopping. Instead of being overcome by fear and sadness, I noticed that the playground will filled with individual activities, with parents running each station and kids laughing and playing. My mind quickly figured out that it’s the last day of school, and all the dad’s were volunteering to help with some sort of fun-day celebration. (There may have been mom’s too, I was driving and just noticed dad’s).
And for the first time in what feels like ever, my heart was happy. This is no longer a dream of mine, it is in fact reality. I can now actually picture Mr. MPB and Baby MPB playing in that very field in a few years time. I can see myself walking with our dog to drop Baby MPB off at school for the day. I can see Baby MPB carrying his little backpack to school. I can see his face lighting up with a smile when the school day is done. I can picture him telling us stories about his day.
Today I realized that I can see Baby MPB’s future. He is no longer just a hope and dream and a what if. I can literally picture his features, because I know what he looks like (obviously). He is really here, and we are really going to get to see the world through his eyes. Heck, we already are seeing the world through his eyes.
Part of me wants to mourn the days that are already gone by. Part of me thinks I should cry when I put away his itty-bitty clothing, never to be worn again. Everyday he changes, everyday he makes a new discovery and explores something new. He truly is growing up so quickly.
But honestly, I am yet to cry over him growing up – so far I have not let a single tear fall from my eyes over the fact that’s he’s growing up.
Instead, I am focused on just how excited I am to have the privilege of watching him grow up. I realize how close we were to not having a child, and so I am focused on embracing the privilege of being his mom. So I choose to celebrate each milestone and encourage him to reach the next one.
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I love this!! I have to admit I have shed tears over seeing how quickly Luke has grown. You’ve inspired me to celebrate each milestone and feel thankful for those that are yet to come. I love that seeing the end of year celebration made you happy and it’s so lovely to think you and Mr MPB and baby MPB will be doing the same one day!
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The saddest time for me is when I think about the fact that we’ll probably never had enough a second child so we will never experience these things again. But, in a way that just makes me cherish the moments now a little bit more. And then I manage to smile again. That said, i’m sure something I cannot even think about right now will make me cry. 😊
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It is so good that you are soaking it all up and I honestly wish I was able to go back and do that when he was very little. Too bad hormone and sleep deprivation interfered with that. I’m sure there will be many tears of happiness in the years to come!
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I didn’t cry as my kids outgrew their things, but I did cry when I sold some of them. Oh the memories….
I can tell you from my own experience that the growing up is awesome! Every age brings new discoveries and skills and watching your kids try and excel at something hard is really neat. And Oh the sweet things they say. ❤ You are going to melt over and over again when that little boy talks to you. “Mommy, I’m so glad you’re the mommy in our family.” 😍
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Oh my gosh, just think about those sweet words brings a tear to my eye! That’s just one more thing to look forward too! 😊
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Yesssss to all of this!! My heart is full for you friend!
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Thank you! It’s exciting to think about the future these days. 😊
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Hooray! It makes me so happy to read this. I love that you are soaking up all of Baby MPB’s milestones and thinking happily about his future, and your future as parents. Wonderful, wonderful times, today and to come. ❤
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You are a stronger person than I– when Chick cut his first tooth, I held him and cried “He isn’t a baby anymore!” Yeah… he was 8 months old…
But like you I have my moments when I realize what a privilege it is to be his parent. We’re lucky ladies.
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Yes, they are growing up so fast. It took me long to get my child and an idea of having a child go to the kg and school was so distant, but it has happened:). A few days ago, i went to check on a perspective school. I even entered a bathroom for 3 years old,just to know.
I knowwhat you mean by saying that you may cry because they grow up so fast and perhaps there won’t be a second chance to live this again. I can’t say i felt this sorrow for him already being a toddler, but what i felt was sorrow that it might not happen again, to have a toddler,esp after i had held one of my nephews. However, im trying not to think of that, but i prayto God for good health,mine and my family so that we can be together for as long as possible.
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