I’m going to dive into adoption stuff today. And I’m going to be honest, so let me start by saying, these are just my feelings, and I’m not going to sugar coat it but I do hope I don’t accidently upset anyone because that’s never my intention.
So, here’s the thing, I read a lot about adoption. I read blogs. I read news articles. I read the odd book (but if I’m honest, I don’t read a lot of books these days because I can never seem to finish them no matter how hard I try). And I often read stories that break my heart. Stories of adoptive parents lying to their adopted children. Adult’s finding out they were adopted and feeling as though their entire lives were a lie. Stories of adopted children being angry and bitter over their adoption which they had no say in as they were babies/children and other people (birth parents, adoptive parents, judges, lawyers, adoption agencies) all made decisions in their ‘best interests’ without their voice being accounted for. Stories of abuse and neglect at the hands of adopted parents who promised to love and care for their adopted children. Adoptive parents who didn’t finish the adoption and immigration paperwork with lifelong consequences for the child. Adopted children who cannot gain access to their original birth certificates. The horror stories don’t ever seem to end. And I acknowledge it’s easier to come across horror stories then it is to find happy stories.
And, honestly, each and every one of these stories breaks my heart and simultaneously brings fear to my very core.
We don’t lie to Little MPB. We will never lie to Little MPB. He will always know his adoption story. He will always have access to every single piece of information we have, and we will tell him the truth when we don’t know something.
We keep lines of communication open with Little MPB’s birth mother. Even when we don’t hear anything back, we continue to send notes, pictures and gifts. We intend to always do this. And, when age appropriate (so long as it’s safe), Little MPB will be able to communicate directly with his birth mother and sibling, without us hovering. We will always encourage him to have these relationships.
We have his original birth certificate stored in a safe place. For that matter, we have all his adoption paperwork stored in a safe place for him to have one day. We even have electronic copies of everything just in case something happens to the hard copies.
We finished his adoption and immigration paperwork, and we are 110% confident that we dotted every i and crossed every t.
We clearly hold up our promise to love and cherish Little MPB. He truly is the centre of our lives and we will always do everything in our power to protect him from any type of harm.
But, I cannot help but wonder, is this enough? Are we doing right by Little MPB? Can we do more?
Obviously, as an infant, Little MPB had no say in his adoption, what happens if one day he is filled with the type of anger I have read from others?
In my mind, I just think, his adoption is a fact of life. Just like my mom and sister died when I was only 14. (For the record, I know the death of my mom and sister is not the same as adoption, but it’s the best analogy I have in respect to being handed a life that you didn’t envision and had no control over). In my mind, these are facts that you don’t get to change, but you do get to choose what to do with. I chose not to throw my life away by getting involved in drugs and alcohol, which I so easily could have. I chose to lead a productive life. But, not everyone is wired the way I am, and there is no guarantee Little MPB will have similar thinking to me or make the same choices I did.
Adoption will always be part of his story, but when this fear rises within me, I cannot help but wonder, can we do more to help him have healthy emotions and experiences around his adoption?
I know, there is absolutly nothing I can do except do my best. But I guess, just like every parent I only want to see my child grow up to be happy and healthy.
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