When I met with my anesthetist I had to go over my past medical history. I had to go over every time I’ve been under a general anesthetic. This meant I had to go through all of our losses.
I told my story, just as I have so many other times. I explained that in the panic/rush of the emergency D&C we have no idea if I was under a general anesthetic or not but we know my heart rate and blood pressure did not do what it was supposed to post-surgery and resulted in a longer then normal hospital stay.
I went on to tell her how scared I was of being put under and not waking up again. I told her now that we have our little boy I just wish I had done this sooner as I don’t want to miss out on his life. I also told her that despite this, I knew I wanted this surgery, it was time. As I shared my fears with her, she was compassionate in her responses. She told me I’d be okay and we shook on it.
Tears continued to run down my cheeks as they prepped a few more things in the OR. I begged them to knock me out quickly so I wouldn’t be aware of anything that was going on.
They put the mask on me and the next thing I knew I was waking up.
The most amazing thing happened when I was waking up in the recovery room. The details are foggy, but I distinctly remembering the anesthetist saying something like:
Of course you are scared. All of your past experiences have resulted in immeasurable loss. It’s like you have a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. But, it’s okay, this time everything went well.
She got it! She took the time to remember what I told her and to tell me how this time was different. And even more, she demonstrated that she not only heard me but she also validated my past experiences as legitimately painful.
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