A New Me

While attempting to parent and work at the same time I’ve realized I am no longer the same person I once was.  For starters, as I realized earlier this week, I’m much more forgetful then I’ve ever been before.

Yes, my name is the same.  My appearance is mostly the same (I am probably slightly pudgier due to a complete lack of exercise in my life right now). And, my personality is basically the same, if you set aside the sleep deprived grouchiness that takes hold some days.

But, yet, I know that I’ve changed.  I am no longer the old me.  I am now a mom to an amazing little boy.  And already I know, without a doubt, I will never be the same person I once was.

Yes, my road to becoming a mom already has made deep and life long impacts on me as everything about losing our little babies completely changed my life.  But, becoming a mommy to a living child has forever changed me in more new and different profound ways.

I am no longer the only one that matters.  Mr. MPB, our dog and I are no longer my priority.  Baby MPB is now my life long priority.  No, that doesn’t mean I will forget to take care of myself or to love my husband and our dog.  But it does mean that right now, especially while Baby MPB is so young and vulnerable, his needs are the top priority in the MPB household.  I experience worry in a way that I have never known before.  I worry constantly.  I worry about simple things like worrying about if he’s eating enough, smiling enough or getting enough tummy time.  I worry about big things like is he still breathing because SIDS scares me in a way I cannot even begin to articulate.  His physical and mental health matter more then anything else in the world.  Just the thought of something bad happening to him can literally bring me to tears.

The complete and utter love and devotion I have this little guy is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.  Everyday single day I am thankful to be his mom.  Truthfully, I don’t even have words to describe it.

So, yes I am no longer the old me.  But you know what, I am a new me and that’s pretty amazing.  And, I wouldn’t trade any of it (including the constant worry and the sleep deprivation) for anything in the world.

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16 Comments on “A New Me

  1. I’m not sure we change but life definitely changes with different situations. For some life stays the same and there are certain experiences some people don’t have. But at the end of the day we are the same person we always were.

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  2. This made me tear up. All of it is so true. It is like your heart is no longer inside your own body- it is now permanently tied to your little guy. I marvel at how profound love can be almost painful. I also had so many fears that have mainly ceased because when I start to think about sad or awful things I fear– I train my brain to say ‘he is safe and healthy right now and soak up this moment. Everything is fine’. I won’t let me brain go to those places and over time it has helped. You sound like a lovely Mom!

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  3. Spoken like a mommy! I really related to the “worrying” part. According to my mother that were he never goes away even when your children are grown and live in different states. I guess it’s just part of being a mom. It is the hardest job in the world but also the most rewarding!

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  4. Beautiful and I can definitely relate. My capacity to love AND to worry really surprised me when I became a mom.

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  5. Yes, exactly! These newborn days are so amazing and terrifying. Life is just different now. I think it’s the middle of the night when it’s hardest to shut off the fears. My first thoughts on waking are always of him: is he still breathing? How long has he been sleeping? Is he OK? Is he hungry? Wet? Lonely? It’s amazing how all of a sudden this little stranger can take over your consciousness completely, and crowd out the selfish thoughts immediately.

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  6. Motherhood totally changes everything! My twins are just now 6 months, and I’m only now starting to feel a little like my old self, but my priorities and perspective is forever different. My heart is forever changed and expanded in ways I never thought possible. It truly is indescribable and a profoundly beautiful experience. I am so happy you are able to experience it, and hope the same for everyone who’s heart so desires to become a mother. ❤

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  7. I get it. I head back to work next month from maternity leave and I had a breakdown to the dental hygienist yesterday! The love is so overwhelming!! 😍💙❤️💜

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  8. It’s a bit shocking how motherhood changes you, isn’t it? (As I typed that I turned my head toward my shoulder and noticed that I have a big gob of spit up on my shirt. I’m at work.) Obviously I knew I would worry, and I knew she would come first, but the reality of it all is so much different from how I imagined it. I think the thing that’s hardest for me to wrap my head around is that this change is permanent. I will ALWAYS worry about my baby girl. For the rest of my life, I will worry that she is happy and healthy and cared for. It’s a bit jarring to have that kind of a (welcome) burden placed on you so suddenly–one second, you’re anticipating the moment your baby is placed in your arms, and then with that 7 pounds of baby comes the weight of the world.

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  9. Motherhood changes every single part of our lives, ourselves. It’s pretty crazy how much changes in such a short period of time! Motherhood has made me a better person. A more tired person, to be sure…but better in many ways!

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  10. Motherhood is hard emotionally. And I think recurrent loss makes us think about SIDS more than average. I was literally paralysed with fear that my first would die, even though I only had two losses before him. This time, with 9 under our belts I have had to mentally check myself from caving completely to the overwhelming fear of something bad happening. Having a small life to protect changes you forever in ways you could never imagine before. And it also makes you a great mother, because you care so much. I love reading these updates from you – just wonderful after your long, long journey xxx

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  11. It’s amazing to me how we love our pets, especially, so unconditionally and we swear that they’ll always be #1 and equal to our imaginary babies. And then the baby is no longer imaginary and the pets, well, we still love them like crazy but they ARE second to the baby. And our hearts break for letting that happen but then we realize that of course it’s unavoidable and how could we have ever expected it to stay the same? And then our poor husbands…. What are they to do? They’re practically forgotten! Ha!!!!

    It’s normal, it’s nature…. And it’s wonderful!!!

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  12. I can’t wait to feel these things myself! I’m so glad that you’re finally able to experience all of this. It may not be glamorous, but I know it’s what you’ve always wanted! ❤

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