Is Everything Falling Apart?

  Posted on February 2, 2016 By

 77 Comments

* Note I almost did not share this post and may take it down. I am sharing it because it’s a very real part of my journey, but it is flirting with the line of sharing too much of our possible child’s story. Also, note that this post is about my fears. I realize there are many people involved in adoption, but today, I am not discussing anyone’s possible perspective but my own.

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Where do I start? How do I even begin to say this?

We got bad news today.

Really bad news.

News that has the ability to force us to walk away from this adoption match, just days before baby is expected to arrive.

I don’t even know how to think. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I feel blindsided and devastated. I’m scared that Baby MPB may be slipping through our fingers.

I’m scared. So incredibly scared.

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The potential birth father has refused to sign his relinquishment papers. Evidently it’s because he’s adamant the child is not his so he wants nothing to do with this pregnancy and/or this child.

But, even though he refuses because he wants nothing to do with this baby, it causes us a lot of problems. His refusal to sign means we are now in a high risk adoption. An adoption where a potential birth father will not sign cannot proceed until 30 days after the baby is born. So, assuming the potential birth mom goes through with the adoption plan, the adoption still cannot proceed. In all likelihood, baby will go into foster care for 30 days to give the birth father the required legal time to petition the courts to get the baby. If we were able to start caring for the baby and would have to wait it out in the baby’s birth state until the 30 days passes. After 30 days, if he doesn’t come forward, his rights would be terminated.

In some ways that doesn’t sound too bad or too risky because the birth father is not expressing interest in raising the child. But, it’s not that straight forward or simple.

The first significant problem is logistics. We would be stuck in the USA for 30 days for the birth father rights to be terminated. Then, we’d be stuck for another 2-3 weeks until the adoption is processed through multiple states and internationally. Honestly, we are already about 80k USD into this adoption. 6-7 weeks of USA hotel bills and no income from our jobs at home, really just isn’t an option. The logistics just won’t work.

Secondly, and more importantly, if the birth father chooses to change his mind and challenge the adoption at any point in the 30 days, we would face giving baby back. He could change his mind on day 29 of baby’s life and we would have to give baby back or start a legal battle to keep baby. The most significant problems that currently come to mind are:

  • I cannot imagine the emotional devastation Mr. MPB and I will go through if we have to give baby back after so much time. I honestly cannot even go there. Because of this, we already made it clear to our legal team that if the birth mom requests 30 days we are walking away. So, to take a different approach with the birth father doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t easy for me to even think about, but we know we have to do what’s best of us, and protecting our hearts might just be what’s best for us right now.
  • We are not in the least bit interested in a legal battle to keep a child whose biological father wants to parent. This is not the adoption story we want to share with our child as they grow up. This isn’t the story our child deserves.

Today, we realize this might be the end of this match. We are in a holding pattern right now, unable to make any sort of decision or plan any sort of next step.

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 Category: Adoption, Baby, Bad Day      Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

77 Comments on “Is Everything Falling Apart?”

  1. Oh my goodness. I can’t even process this so I have no idea how you are doing it. I am so so sorry that you have to have this added fear. I am praying the “father” simply makes the right decision to sign. Can they do a DNA test at birth? Would he sign if he was found to be the father? UGH I hate this for you but I will continue to hold up faith that this will all work out.

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    • I am wondering if they can do a DNA pre birth? You know those harmony tests now that women get to test chromosomes? Well they do that with blood and it is able to be done as blood from the placenta (so the baby) circulated in the mother’s system. Might be a long shot I don’t know but thought I’d mention it.

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  2. NO. 😦 I am absolutely gutted for you. I am so so sorry to hear this and I pray with everything in me this man decides to just sign his rights away right now. I wish I could offer you some sort of comfort. I am praying for a positive outcome for you.

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  4. All I can say is that the three of you are in my prayers. I know how hard it is, but try not to get overwhelmed with all the “ifs”… One day at a time. You are stronger than you imagine 🙂

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  5. Wow. I am truly sorry. This is an awful situation and you must do what is right for you. No words, but I am disgusted by a potential father who can’t just sign something for the sake of another human life.

    We had to do a search in the state to ensure that no potential father was searching for his daughter and then after we had custody for 4 months we were forced by the judge to do a second search just before the court appearance was scheduled to finalize the adoption. I was a freaking mess.

    This is just a terrible situation and I am praying and hoping on all things good and positive that this works out for you.

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  6. Ahhhhhh!!! Goodness what the beep!!! Can’t you just pay him off to sign. I would be willing to bet if you could get into contact with him personally, money may motivate him to just sign the papers. He would be technically releasing himself from any and all and even if he “weren’t” the father he could still benefit from the cash of the signature. I know that sounds janky but I’m just trying to think of anything to deter this from going south. I’ve been thinking of you all daily and desperately want this to be the end of the adoption road for you. I want a blog update of you two getting home from the hospital with your little bundle. This seems surreal, I can only imagine what your going through. Ughhhhhhhh!!!

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      • It would be very illegal, and not something we would ever consider. Anything that can be viewed as coercion is 100% off the table. And for that matter, we are not even speaking with him, everything related to this is through lawyers and social workers.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know you know this and would never, but given the public blog, I wanted it out there as something you wouldn’t do in case someone sites this post some day and tries to use it against you. My lawyer father would tell you to delete the entire comment. 😉

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  9. take a deep breath & try to focus on the positive – he doesn’t want to sign because he doesn’t want tied to a life he isn’t able/willing/whatever to be there for.

    this could still work out for the best. I still have all the good feelings that this baby is meant to come home and be your forever. nothing this amazing ever came easy & I can only imagine how wrecked you both are.

    but don’t give up on your miracle.

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  11. If he needs or wants a DNA test done, is that not possible? The mother could have a prenatal test done to get the baby’s DNA or it could be completed soon after birth… Would he sign if he was proven to be the father. It definitely sounds like he wants nothing to do with the mother or the child, so that’s always a good thing. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I still have good feelings. You’re definitely in my thoughts and prayers!

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    • This is what I was thinking. It sounds like he for sure doesn’t want the baby. If he really doesn’t think it’s his then a simple DNA could prove it and he would possibly not ever have to sign. Either way, he sounds incredibly selfish!

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  14. Oh love this is horrible. A similar thing happened to another adoptive mama – except the father wanted custody…it was hellush for her but worked out in the end. I’m sure this will too. Sending calm thoughts your way

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  15. Oh noooo 😦 so sorry this has happened. Don’t give up hope. Thinking of you all and praying there is a solution x x

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  17. What a terrible position to be in, I am devastated for you and Mr. MPB. You are all in my thoughts and I am hoping that everything works out for you guys. Love and hugs.

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  18. Oh my gosh. I am so hoping that your fears are put aside and that this person cooperates. It’s so sad because regardless of paternity the child will be the one that gets hurt by the decision the most as he has an amazing adoptive mom waiting for him. I am thinking of you! Keeping my fingers crossed!

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  20. oh MPB-i’m devastated for you. I can only hope that the father comes forward and signs the papers TODAY so that this can move forward. Keeping you in my thoughts! you are processing this so amazingly well-I would be a wreck.

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  22. I have to believe that there are some options for you aside from a hotel. Perhaps AirBnB would have some affordable monthly rentals. I know you can’t disclose where the baby is going to be born, but the blogging network is wide, and people want to help. I’m not sure how to go about pairing you with people in the local area, but I’m optimistic that at least the cost hurdle of housing CAN be overcome.

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    • I agree here too. I know housing would be difficult to plan in advance but even if you only had to stay a few nights in a hotel until other arrangements could be made. There has to be something cheaper than a hotel.

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    • Yes reach out to us if you can! We live in Denver. Have two spare rooms and plenty of baby supplies. Which only helps if you are coming to Denver. Praying this is just a blip and passes quickly!

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  23. That’s really hard! Oh sweetie I’m so sorry there’s this huge hiccup this late in the game! Everything is crossed, that this will end up being just another detail to add to your child’s “how we met you” story. Xx

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  24. I began to worry when I realized you hadn’t posted for a few days. I am so, so sorry. You waited so long for this, so many years and I can’t even imagine – because one man is feeling particularly irresponsible.
    Thinking of you and please please please may that man have some sense knocked into him. ❤

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  25. I’m so, so sorry this has happened. Is there a chance he’ll sign over his rights and give in? Or as soon as the baby is born have a paternity test? Then he can sign them over right then? I realize you’ve thought of all of this, I’m sure but didn’t mention it. I’ll be thinking of you. How incredibly unfair this is for everyone involved. Sending so much love and support.

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  26. Oh no, I’m so sorry!!! I’m hoping and praying for you that this guy realizes the easier thing for him to do would be to just sign the damn papers and walk away now. Maybe the birth mother will be able to explain it to him in a way that he understands… Thinking about you through this unimaginably stressful time.

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  27. Oh Hon, I am so, so, so sorry! I hope that this potential BF comes to his senses and just signs the paper. Having to stay here a whole lot longer than planned with the added expenses and not being able to work really puts a dent in things. Of course the possibility of then losing Baby MPB is horrendous, but that part isn’t completely uncommon. In WI right now, depending on what court jurisdiction BM is in, it can be anywhere from 30 days to 12 weeks before BM’s rights are terminated here. It’s a scary situation, but unfortunately, one we had to be willing to risk to adopt here.

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  28. I’m thinking of you and hoping dearly that this is just a bump in the road. It’s a horrible thought that your adoption is being threatened by a big fat dose of indifference. Good luck, good luck, good luck. xx

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  32. No!! I’m so so sorry to hear this. I’m hoping that things change for the better, can’t imagine how horrid this is for you both xx

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  33. NO. This is awful. It breaks my heart because there is a little person at the center of this who needs love and care– that’s where you’d like everyone’s thoughts and actions to be directed.

    Take deep breaths, allow yourself to feel all the feels.

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  34. ☹️☹️☹️ I am so sorry to hear of this massive complication 🙁. It sounds like a complete nightmare. Thinking of you both and hoping that you find the right way to proceed.

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  35. I don’t even know what to say. If he was holding off because he’s interested in parenting and needs a paternity test, I understand that. But if it’s just, “I’m not the father and want nothing to do with this or her,” then he’s being an idiot. Signing will get him just that – out of this situation with no further questions.

    I am so sorry. I am just beyond shocked and devastated. This is not what anyone needs, including baby’s mom. You’re all in a very horrid situation right now because of a man who doesn’t seem to understand how easy it would be for him to wash his hands of this.

    Hugs, love, support – sending it all.

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    • I’m thinking there is more than one man that baby’s mom named as potential father, because MPB said “a putative father” not “the putative father”. I’m not really defending this man, just suggesting that maybe he has reasons for believing so strongly that it isn’t his child–and who would be willing to sign away a paper relinquishing a child that you KNEW wasn’t his own?Maybe he’s sterile, denies they ever had sex, or is ignorant of the failure rates of whatever birth control method may have been used.

      I do really hope a DNA test can resolve things easily because this situation sounds really sucky for every single party involved.

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  36. Oh, NO. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, and I want to give that guy a kick in the pants (or worse) for messing with your adoption with no plans to parent the child on his own. I really, really hope he comes to his senses soon, or that the birth mother or some other sensible person in his life is able to talk him around and keep him from getting in the way of your match for no reason.

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  37. Fuck fuck double fuck. That’s all I can come up with as a response. Your fears are absolutely valid and your courage in sharing this is tremendous. Sending you strength and hoping those at the agency do right by you no matter what happens.

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  38. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. As I was reading your post, I wondered about the possibility of the birth mom having an additional 30 days to change her mind. Is this even possible? I hope not. And I hope that things turn around for you guys! Wishing you the best.

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  39. Oh my no words… I am trying to stay positive and send good thoughts and pray. Pray that this is just another bleep in the road. Sending hugs and much love. I really feel this is going to work out for Baby MPB.

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  41. Oh this is awful. My heart breaks that you are going through this. Will the potential dad do a DNA test??? I hope there is a way that things can be sorted to make this work. Thinking of you.

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  42. We had a situation with our second son that held up our adoption for four weeks. We weren’t sure if we would even get him, he was with a foster mom, everything felt out of control and like it was falling apart at the seams.
    In hindsight, I can see that it was really falling into place, each piece of the puzzle being put in the right spot at the right time. Until I read your post just now, I hadn’t even thought about all those troubles for years.
    I am praying for God’s hand in your situation, for all the pieces of your puzzle to be put in the right place at the right time, and that someday you will look back on this time and think–wow, look at how everything was just coming together for our family. Hugs, prayers and peace my friend💗

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  44. Omigod, I don’t even know what to say! I didn’t read through all the comments above but probably a lot of comforting words have already been said. You have so so many people rooting for you and for this to work out. I know that can’t swing the ultimate outcome, but I wish it could! I’m sure you’ve thought of everything, of staying with friends/acquaintances in the states while you’re waiting etc but you have to follow your gut on this. Is there even the slightest possibility that he is not the father? I hope you find out some good news very soon. xx

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  45. I am so sorry. My birth father never signed my adoption papers for similar reasons, but it didn’t hold up my parents taking me home. I guess things have changed in 34 years. I am so, so sorry that this has come up. You’ll be in my thoughts and I’ll keep hoping for a resolution that is best for your family. *hugs*

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  47. So sorry to hear. I have done 2 foster care adoptions. My youngest son I was able to pick up at the hospital at birth. His bio father wasn’t identified until he was 9 mos old. Then, we had to wait, fear, during DNA tests. Not only fear he would want to parent, but also someone in his family would want to if he didnt. That’s how it works in fostering…relatives trump foster family placement. We were, in fact lucky. This biodad told us this child was ours, we had been raising him and bonding, and he acknowledged how it would be wrong to take him from us. He refused any family being notified, and voluntarily terminated rights, based on our bond, and what he said was his lack of parenting ability at that point in his life.
    I know the fear you are experiencing. sending hugs, hope, and prayers.

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  49. Oh my gosh what a nightmare. I am so sorry. This is crazy. I know you didn’t want to get your hopes up and you’ve been through so much. I’ll be thinking about you guys all day and night.

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  50. I am so so sorry. I keep trying to think of solutions for you, but I know and trust you obviously have weighed every option and have come to these terms thoughtfully. I was hoping your adoption story would be much smoother than mine. I hope it still is, and am so devastated that you are going through this hiccup (or collapse). The right baby will come home. You are doing everything you can and that’s all there is. So many hugs sent your way!

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