When it Sucks to be Perfectly Healthy

My Husband and I are 100% perfectly healthy, we have been poked, prodded and tested. We’ve sought 2nd, 3rd and 4th opinions. Each time, we are told we are perfectly healthy. Neither of us suffer from any form of medical ailment that could possibly be causing problems. This is clearly one of those very rare situations when being perfectly healthy is the worst news possible. But then again, I guess everything about this situation is very rare.

We are told there is no point on IUI, IVF, IVF with genetic testing, surrogacy or donor egg or sperm. There is no reason to potentially spend tens of thousands of dollars to fix us, because we aren’t broken.

Genetically we are fine.

My uterus is fine.

My egg production is fine.

My egg quality is fine.

His swimmers are fine.

He’s not stressed.

I’ve left my high stress job, and am no longer stressed.

Simply put, we are healthy. There are no answers. Which means there are no solutions.

We are told to keep trying. With a 50% success rate for each future pregnancy, they say eventually it will work. Whether it takes 5 tries or 12 tries or 22 tries, no-one knows. And, we definitely don’t know when we are going to burn out and stop trying, but I know it will eventually happen (assuming we don’t get a living child one of these times).

But, I think this might be one of the only times in life where being told you are healthy, is frustrating beyond believe. I catch myself thinking that if only they could say I have endometriosis or PCOS or he has slow swimmers, then at least we’d know what our problem is and we might be able to find some solutions or know that our statistical chances just aren’t great. Some days I would love nothing more than for the doctors to tell me we have a 5% chance of success, because then at least we’d be able to make a decision. Instead, we are told we have a 50% chance the next one will work – 50% that’s useless to help us make a decision.   But, then I realize, how crazy these thoughts are, and thankfully we aren’t suffering from any of these horrible medical conditions. And because of that, maybe we will have a better chance of success one of these times. Maybe, just maybe.

Yet, I continually search for an answers (I love to search for answers and solutions). But, after months of research, I’m slowly understanding that there is no answer. So, now, I spend less and less time researching because I’m bored of reading the same article over and over again. And, it’s really not a healthy obsessions, so it’s time for me to let it go because I’m definitely not the one that is going to find the cure for RPL.

As we have been telling more and more people about our situation, my research time is quickly getting filled up by telling more and more people about our prognosis. And what we are finding is that everyone tries to provide solutions to fix it.   My parents, our friends, our bosses – really, everyone, tries to provide solutions. Well maybe you guys just need to relax or maybe you need to go to India for IVF and use a surrogate there? Maybe they need to re-run the genetic testing and they will find the problem? Or maybe, use a surrogate? Maybe you should try a donor egg? Or donor sperm? Or….

So, now I get to continually explain that we are perfectly healthy. And, I seem to be defending the medical systems shortcomings when it comes to RPL – why would they spend research dollars on RPL, when they can statistically make a more positive difference for more people experiencing more typical infertility, or why would they spend research dollars on RPL when people are dying of cancer, or they cannot really preform a lifesaving surgery on an 10 week old baby in utero when they don’t even know the problem. Once explained this way, people do start to get the reasons for our non-existent answers. As frustrating as it is, it really does make sense that the medical system cannot focus on finding the solution to our situation.

So, once we are done explaining the medical system, we get to move onto explaining fertility treatments and why they won’t work for us.   Yes, these fertility solutions work for many people, but they won’t for us. The conversation usually goes something like – at this point in time it makes no sense to spend all of our savings on highly invasive and painful IVF procedures when they will not improve our chances. Our success statistics will not increase through any of these treatments, but our bank account will definitely decrease. Oh, and on that India suggestion, I’m just not really sure I want to travel half-way around the world for the cheapest medical treatments with high risks – I kind of think when it comes to creating my baby, I want the best doctors the world can offer, and I’m pretty sure I’m seeing a few of the best right here in Canada.

Some days I’m getting really tired of explaining that we are perfectly healthy – someday I think the next person who offers there friendly solutions, might experience my angry she-devil side. But, most of the time I just focus on how lucky we are to have people in our lives who want to help and who want to see this work out for us.

15 Comments on “When it Sucks to be Perfectly Healthy

  1. I feel u. I totally feel like this. After having already had 30+ tests, some of which I’ve now just been told are invalid as done at the wrong time (straight after mc) I’m just getting blasé about it now when she gave me new set of tests we’re to do. Ugh

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    • That totally sucks! Its frustrating when you’ve likely made some decisions based on invalid test results! And its never fun to have to be poked and prodded, let along getting to go through all the tests for a second time!

      Wishing you all the best with the new set of testing. Maybe it will show something that gives you an answer – although, I’m still not convinced that getting an answer will be all that helpful. But I guess it would depend on what the answer is. Maybe?

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  2. Ugh, I’m so sorry. No answer can definitely feel like the worst answer. It’s definitely how we felt when neither round worked with our very healthy surrogate and our healthy looking embryos. Especially considering our surrogate then got pregnant on accident four months after our second and last failed round. No answers and no explanations, but I’m not sure even if I had one that it would be good enough. Sending you lots of love today! J

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    • Thanks Justine.

      I can only imagine how frustrating it was for you when the surrogate got pregnant on her own afterwards. It must have just been a heart breaking and frustrating situation for you.

      It doesn’t seem to matter what the exact circumstances are, but having no answers totally sucks! It just doesn’t make sense to me that with how far medicine has come, that we still don’t have answers. But this is one the things I’m working really hard to accept. I have to place my trust in the doctor’s I have and know that they are doing everything possible to figure this out.

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  3. Just a quick thought that I need to add – this post is about the helpful comments we get from people who have no idea what we are going through.

    I am truly thankful for all the support we are getting from those of you going through infertility (regardless of the type of infertility). Your comments and suggestions are all based out of experience and knowledge, and both my husband and I truly appreciate your wiliness to share your experiences and information, and to offer your support and care. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

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  4. Sending love xxx Strangely it took us multiple tests to find out what was wrong..I had sticky blood – but apparently it can be on a loop, so sometimes you test positive – and just to confuse matters, others times you don’t. Miscarriage testing sucks xxxxxxx

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  5. I could have written this post. My husband and I have been through endless testing and we are fine. The only thing that differs is I have had 2 REs tell me that there are some conditions that can only be diagnosed through IVF. We are probably going to do that soon. Nationwide, people who undergo IVF with unexplained infertility actually have slightly higher success rates than other groups. It could also fail with no explanation…who knows? Sometimes I just want to scream at my doctors. They have all these tests that I have done which are expensive and painful yet they have nothing useful to tell me.

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    • I forgot to mention that I have never gotten pregnant and I know that RPL is a completely different thing. My ultimate conclusion is that sometimes there just are no answers.

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      • It doesn’t seem to matter what type “infertility” people experience, the common theme is painful testing! We are very fortunate that we live in Canada, and so far we have not paid for any of our testing or procedures. Although, I should note that IVF is not covered, so that would be an expense we would have to pay out of pocket for.
        Our doctors have explained to use that for more typical infertility (I hate to use the world typical), when couples cannot conceive, there is a lot more that can be figured out through IVF, but in the case of our RPL there is no medical reason to do it unless for genetic testing, which likely wouldn’t even tell us anything. Its very perplexing. And I agree, ultimately, there sometimes are no answers, even when we really want them.

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  6. Ugh, that is incredibly frustrating, and I can imagine leaves you feeling quite helpless. Through all my RPL testing I always felt conflicted about whether I wanted them to find something wrong. I was relieved when they did find some likely culprits, but now I can’t shake the feeling that maybe there’s something else they missed and that’s whats actually causing our miscarriages! Either way, it takes a lot of courage to keep trying. Hugs to you!

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    • I understand that conflict – slightly afraid of finding rhe answer, yet really wanting it. We are at the point where we don’t expect any answers. So, now we are just trying to accept that we may never know, even though we desperately want to know.
      Thanks for the support! Thinking of you as well!

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  7. Pingback: A Pleasant Surprise of Support | My Perfect Breakdown

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