I have spent a few days this week curled up on the couch feeling pretty horrible. Not in the RPL emotional horrible way, but instead I’ve been feeling physically unwell.
I have a cold.
Now, I know, a cold isn’t going to kill me. But, it is going to make me grouchy and tired.
In my list of activities I did this week the furthest I’ve made it outside of the house is to the vet with my still sick puppy. We are hoping a course of antibiotics will get her stomach back into tip-top shape. I feel so useless when she is sick and I cannot fix it – it breaks my heart when my little puppy is sick (okay, I know, she’s not a puppy at 4.5 years old and she’s definitely not little at 86 lbs, but she is still my little puppy). So, taking her to the vet was the least I could do this week and had to be done regardless of my own cold. And, I hope we’ve got this fixed now. And, the good news is with the exception of her tummy, she also passed her yearly check-up with flying colours.
Anyways, back to my cold. This is probably the first cold I’ve had in a few years. In the last few years I have:
- seen countless doctors,
- had an unbelievable amount of tests completed,
- had more blood drawn then a lab rat,
- experienced multiple unpleasant in office procedures to remove products of pregnancy(ies),
- had more doctors examine my private regions then I ever thought possible,
- had 5 miscarriages,
- had 2 surgeries.
Yet, through all of this, I have stayed generally healthy for the last few years. It seems as though our pregnancy bubble lifestyle has resulted in a healthier me. I attribute this to the fact that the pregnancy bubble includes:
- Prenatal vitamins a daily basis,
- Eating healthy and fresh foods,
- Living healthy (biking, going for long walking, sleeping, etc.),
- Complete removal of work stress from my life,
- Reduced alcohol consumption,
- No crack (okay, so I’ve never actually done any illegal drugs, but I find it funny that during our second miscarriage when I was talking to our family doctor about how to improve our chances for the next try, he suggested that really, the best thing I can do is avoid crack. He made me laugh, I needed that laugh).
Normal people live in the pregnancy bubble for about 40 weeks. We have now crossed over the 100 week mark – I think we are at 108 give or take a few. During a miscarriage, I tend to let my vitamins slide, but otherwise, we’ve been in the pregnancy bubble without question for nearly the entire 2 years. On a side note, I could have my dream of 2 babies by now if it weren’t for our unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss (but I won’t dwell on that right now).
I am sick and tired of the pregnancy bubble and the fact that doing everything single thing imaginable right has still resulted in 5 losses. But, this week, I also discovered a new silver lining to this 2 yearlong pregnancy bubble.
I am really thankful that I have not had more colds.
I hate being sick. I hate waking up throughout the night coughing. I despise sniffling and sneezing all day long. I despise carrying a box of Kleenex around with me. I do not enjoy feeling useless camping out on the couch, sleeping on and off all day. I miss the real taste of food. I hate having a constant scratch in my throat.
Although I’d take 1000 horrible colds any day over having had 5 miscarriages, today I realized that this “healthy” lifestyle we call the pregnancy bubble isn’t all that bad. I have found that my husband and I both resent the pregnancy bubble, but today for the first time I’m thinking the pregnancy bubble isn’t all bad if it’s been keeping me healthy.
So, here’s to the pregnancy bubble keeping me healthy and also to providing our next baby with the best chances possible.
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What a week it’s been!*
My heart just broke into a thousand little pieces.
We have one set of friends who are on the infertility path.
She is considered old by fertility standards at the age of 39.
They have been unable to conceive.
They got pregnant. They lost their baby.
They can now add miscarriage to their journey.
I used to work with a pretty nice guy. He and his wife were on the infertility path.
They are considered old by fertility standards at the age of about 40.
They have been unable to conceive.
They got pregnant. They lost their baby.
They can now add miscarriage to their journey.
So, who did they call to discuss their situation and what steps to take?
Me. They both called within 24 hours of each other.
Now, as I have said before and will say again, I am happy to share our story and my perspective on miscarriage. Happy might be the wrong word, maybe I am just willing to because that is the only good that can come out of our experiences.
Apparently by being more open about our experience of 5 miscarriages, I am turning into the go-to expert on the subject.
The problem with being the expert, and sharing our story and our experience, is that I have to re-live each miscarriage. When I’m asked a simple question like do you recommend a D&C or misoprostol/cytotec, I have to think through each miscarriage and each experience. I will never provide a recommendation for someone else, but I will provide our story and our experiences to help enable them to make their decision. But in doing so, I have to relive the decisions we made and explain why we made the decisions we did.
But you know what, it’s worth it. I desperately wish someone could have answered these types of questions for me. I desperately wish I had someone to phone outside of the medical community to get the real experience not the medical expectations and statistics. I wish someone could have told me what actually happens when misoprostol/cytotec doesn’t work properly and I wish someone could have shared what to expect on the emotional side of recovery not just the physical.
My life plan never included becoming an expert on how to have a miscarriage the practical way or the pros and cons of each type of miscarriage (I plan to post on this soon). But, today, I can honestly say that I am thankful I am able to help others when they are in the throes of such a horrific experience. I am actually honoured that people I know feel comfortable enough to call me and ask questions – it’s a hard thing to do. I realize by taking the courageous step of asking questions they are also telling me about their hurt and there pain. By turning to me, they are inviting me into the lives in such an intimate way. The least I can do is share and be shoulder to cry on if someone needs it.
That said, I wish no-one had to go through the experience of losing their baby and having all their hopes and dreams come crashing down around them. One loss, is one loss too many. But, one thing I’ve learned in life is that just because you have a wish, doesn’t mean it will come true. Ultimately, what matters most is how you pick yourself back up and carry on when the going gets tough.
……………………
*Note that I wrote this post a while ago, probably a few months ago actually. I decided it was time to share it after talking with another blogger who has recently gone through her fourth loss. If you are interested in learning from her experience, check out her blog – A Calm Persistence. She wrote an amazing piece on her experience with misoprostol/cytotec which is absolutely worth a read if you are ever in the situation. Her ability to get through and persist is truly remarkable and she shares her story with unbelievable honesty and courage.
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My Perfect Breakdown 