Late last week our mailbox was filled with all kinds of required approval papers – our criminal record checks, our intervention checks, our provincial approval. Virtually everything arrived on the same day, which meant there was nothing delaying our submission. Well, except us, we still needed to finish our paperwork about our family lives, our personalities and all our decisions related to our future child, including the ever perplexing race and substance abuse decisions. Mr. MPB suggested we go out for lunch on Saturday at a quite restaurant and spend a few hours talking through everything and finishing up our paperwork. His plan worked perfectly as there were no distractions, and we filled in everything in a matter of a few hours. And, as a bonus we had fun too. Who knew filling out so much paperwork could be fun?!
This means we have now submitted our paperwork! As I stood in our agencies office handing over all of our paperwork, I was overcome with a sense of excitement and yet at the same time I was slightly terrified.
We paid the first “big” installment to cover the costs of the home study – a couple thousand dollars. The fees go up in January so we decided to pay right now, rather than waiting until we hear from our assigned social worker. Well it is a large sum of money, since we are going out of country the cost was actually pretty small compared to what will come at us once we complete all the Canadian procedures. Regardless, putting down a multiple thousands of dollars sure makes it feel real!
They also confirmed that they had received all three of our references paperwork. So, no delays there at all! I think we owe our friends and family some pretty big thanks!
This is it, we are officially on our way!
All of this means, that we are officially waiting for a phone call from our social worker to start our home study!! If it weren’t for Christmas, it would probably start as early as next week. However, given that it’s Christmas, we will probably start in early January. But either way, that’s right around the corner! And thankfully for us, my contract work is very flexible and Mr. MPB also works from home so we can make the home study meetings happen pretty quickly as we don’t have to schedule time off from work in a typical way.
So, our timeline going forward looks something like this:
- Home Study – 60 days for the social worker to meet with us and complete the report
- Agency Review and Approval – 30 days
- Provincial Review and Approval – 40 days
- Submit our dossier to the USA – as quick as a courier can get it to agency
- USA Article 15 approval – 45 days
- Waiting – 1 year to 1.5 years.
In our minds, we are just wanting to get through the next 4 months on the Canadian side. Then we will start looking forward to the USA timelines.
So, our biggest adoption step to-date is done. Which means, we will be kicking of 2015 with some more very exciting next-steps in our adoption process! And on that note, for the first time in a few years, we are so hopeful that the New Year will actually bring us good news!!
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I’m convinced that I am moving upwards and onwards. I know I am. In fact, I’m so confident about it that I’ve even written about it in the past. (see that here).
But, yet, when it comes to professional successes, I’m still struggling.
I still have no idea how I am moving upwards and onwards. I don’t know what that looks like, and my old engrained definition of success, is preventing me from seeing the personal successes I’ve made in the last few months as mattering enough. By this I mean that rather than trying to rush to a particular outcome of what I think my life should look like after all this time of personal discovery, I’ve been trying to enjoy the ride. I’ve been focusing on living for today. Living in the moment. In fact, this is part of why I’m doing the extended 100happyday project – helping me stay within the day and enjoy the simple things in life. And by living for today, I’m trying not to worry about the future – will we end up with kids, will I return to the same professional industry; what will I enjoy doing every day for the rest of my life; will I ever get my shit together enough to try, really try, to publish something? Some days I do a great job at it. Other days, well, I completely suck at it.
And so, months into this self-discovery stuff, I still have no idea what it is I’m meant to do next professionally and I’m starting to get frustrated by it – this seems to be a reoccurring theme. I have lots of ideas, but yet still feel absolutely lost. When I allow my old, practical/rational thoughts a voice, all I hear is when will I return to working full-time? I used to make a pretty decent wage, and it seems pretty silly to not be making the money. If I keep trying to figure this out, when will I actually know what I want to do next? When have I done enough self-discovery to know the answer? Who else with nearly 7 years of post-secondary education is sitting around floundering? Shouldn’t my heart have told me what to do next by now?!
Second, part of me worries that I’m falling back into my old ways that will lead me back down that unhappy path. It’s hard to admit, that part of me thinks I’ve failed at figuring out what it is I’m meant to do with my life (yet, I also know that this isn’t necessarily a question that is meant to have an answer). Ah, how I loath the feelings associated with failure. By working on my first paid project since I left my job in May, I feel like part of me has failed to give the self-discovery enough time. I know I should despise this project – I’m not one to particularly care about numbers and statistical analysis. Even so, I said yes to a job that there is no way I am going to love. And guess what, right now, I am don’t love it. I don’t hate it either, but I definitely don’t wake up excited to turn on my computer, open the excel spreadsheet to try and discern and potentially even create patters within a sea of bazillion numbers until I’m slightly cross-eyed.
So, why did I actually say yes to the project? I took the contact because I saw it as an opportunity with minimal commitment that pays well enough, allows me to work from home, on my own schedule, with an individual I admire. And, it was easy work – I didn’t have to do anything to find, it found me. Maybe I’m just lazy and don’t want to put in the hard work required to find the right thing? Or maybe it’s just that I’m so afraid that I’m not going to figure out what I should really do, and this is it? Or maybe, and more likely, I took this and haven’t put much effort into an actual career change because I am paralyzed by the idea that I could fail. What if I hate what I choose next? What if I put myself out there, and it doesn’t work out? What if no-one wants to hire me? What if? I know better than to focus on the what if’s, but I seem to be paralyzed by the what if’s of the working world right now.
Really, I know this all comes down to the fact that I am really just paralyzed with fear of failing again. Some days I’m really frustrated by this. Some days, when the stars are aligned, I’m okay with it all and I’m thankful Mr. MPB supports my quest to figure out exactly how I’m moving upwards and onwards.
Anyways, wish me luck as I continue to work towards an invisible goal, and I work to face this fear so that I don’t get trapped in my current industry which is clearly unhealthy for me. And hopefully, I’ll conquer this fear, successfully, sooner rather than later.
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My Perfect Breakdown 