Searching for My Upwards and Onwards

I’m convinced that I am moving upwards and onwards. I know I am.  In fact, I’m so confident about it that I’ve even written about it in the past. (see that here).

But, yet, when it comes to professional successes, I’m still struggling.

I still have no idea how I am moving upwards and onwards. I don’t know what that looks like, and my old engrained definition of success, is preventing me from seeing the personal successes I’ve made in the last few months as mattering enough. By this I mean that rather than trying to rush to a particular outcome of what I think my life should look like after all this time of personal discovery, I’ve been trying to enjoy the ride. I’ve been focusing on living for today. Living in the moment. In fact, this is part of why I’m doing the extended 100happyday project – helping me stay within the day and enjoy the simple things in life. And by living for today, I’m trying not to worry about the future – will we end up with kids, will I return to the same professional industry; what will I enjoy doing every day for the rest of my life; will I ever get my shit together enough to try, really try, to publish something? Some days I do a great job at it. Other days, well, I completely suck at it.

And so, months into this self-discovery stuff, I still have no idea what it is I’m meant to do next professionally and I’m starting to get frustrated by it – this seems to be a reoccurring theme. I have lots of ideas, but yet still feel absolutely lost. When I allow my old, practical/rational thoughts a voice, all I hear is when will I return to working full-time? I used to make a pretty decent wage, and it seems pretty silly to not be making the money. If I keep trying to figure this out, when will I actually know what I want to do next? When have I done enough self-discovery to know the answer? Who else with nearly 7 years of post-secondary education is sitting around floundering? Shouldn’t my heart have told me what to do next by now?!

Second, part of me worries that I’m falling back into my old ways that will lead me back down that unhappy path. It’s hard to admit, that part of me thinks I’ve failed at figuring out what it is I’m meant to do with my life (yet, I also know that this isn’t necessarily a question that is meant to have an answer). Ah, how I loath the feelings associated with failure. By working on my first paid project since I left my job in May, I feel like part of me has failed to give the self-discovery enough time. I know I should despise this project – I’m not one to particularly care about numbers and statistical analysis. Even so, I said yes to a job that there is no way I am going to love. And guess what, right now, I am don’t love it. I don’t hate it either, but I definitely don’t wake up excited to turn on my computer, open the excel spreadsheet to try and discern and potentially even create patters within a sea of bazillion numbers until I’m slightly cross-eyed.

So, why did I actually say yes to the project? I took the contact because I saw it as an opportunity with minimal commitment that pays well enough, allows me to work from home, on my own schedule, with an individual I admire. And, it was easy work – I didn’t have to do anything to find, it found me. Maybe I’m just lazy and don’t want to put in the hard work required to find the right thing? Or maybe it’s just that I’m so afraid that I’m not going to figure out what I should really do, and this is it? Or maybe, and more likely, I took this and haven’t put much effort into an actual career change because I am paralyzed by the idea that I could fail. What if I hate what I choose next? What if I put myself out there, and it doesn’t work out? What if no-one wants to hire me? What if? I know better than to focus on the what if’s, but I seem to be paralyzed by the what if’s of the working world right now.

Really, I know this all comes down to the fact that I am really just paralyzed with fear of failing again. Some days I’m really frustrated by this. Some days, when the stars are aligned, I’m okay with it all and I’m thankful Mr. MPB supports my quest to figure out exactly how I’m moving upwards and onwards.

Anyways, wish me luck as I continue to work towards an invisible goal, and I work to face this fear so that I don’t get trapped in my current industry which is clearly unhealthy for me. And hopefully, I’ll conquer this fear, successfully, sooner rather than later.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

24 Comments on “Searching for My Upwards and Onwards

  1. I hear you. I have two master’s degrees and often feel lost and unsure. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was right for me. After the life changes I went through, it didn’t feel right anymore. Now, I am just trying to make ends meet. I, too, will be working from home doing something I don’t necessarily care for all that much. I think the working at home part is appealing though. Anyhow, I say all this to tell you that you’re not alone and that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best! ❤

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    • Thank you for commiserating with me! It is almost funny in a twisted way, how much we’ve both done to be successful and yet now we are now trying to get through and find our paths. Wishing you the best as well, eventually I’m sure we will both figure it out.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are moving in the right direction. I am confident that you are!! These are tough choices and tough things to navigate. Thinking of you and hoping that through this you will find exactly where you need/want to be. Hugs! You’ve got this, friend!

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  3. I understand your frustration. I’m stuck in a bit of a career direction rut, and while I’m not happy that you’re going through one of your own… I’m comforted to not be here alone. I find this time spent ttc really f’s up with focus on other kind of important things like career… Health… Relationships. Here’s to hoping we figure this shit out relatively soon! Xx

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    • You are absolutely not alone with the whole career rut, and generally less then desirable critical life things like health and relationships. Thank you for letting me know that I too am not alone. Together, maybe we can help each other through it and figure it soon!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes you just have to anchor in, right where you are. You don’t have to have all the answers, today or tomorrow,so extend yourself a bit grace while you figure it out. We all deserve a bit of that. We all do… ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • It is much easier to write with a “balanced perspective” than it is to live with one. Believe me, sweetie, I choose to extend myself lots of grace, especially when I think I don’t need it, since those are the moments I need it the most ❤

        Blessings, friend,
        Dani

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I wrote about this recently in my goals for the dirty-thirty-decade post. I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I’m interested in so many things and know I could excel at any profession I was passionate about but until I know what that is I’m stuck. So I totally get it! I worry I’m wasting time which is why I started my degree with the view to kind of see what I like and what I don’t. So far all I know is that I still want to study anthropology but I keep asking myself what use that would be to a real life job. You’re not alone, I don’t know many that have it all figured out and my opinion is that life is too short to not try different things. If you like to write why not do some kind of creative writing course and get the juices flowing with that avenue? Treat it as something with no outcome but enjoyment. Sorry to make it all about me! x

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    • I love that it was all about you – so many wise words in your experience – particularly that part about not too many people having it all figured out and that part about life being too short to not try different things.
      You may be onto something with that creative writing course idea. Thank you and wishing you peace and calm as you try to figure out what you are passionate about. Maybe we’ll both get lucky and figure it out sooner rather then later. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I really hear the uncertainty in your “voice” about these issues and I sincerely empathize. I know I have said before that I really believe you will find “your way” so I won’t belabour the point. I don’t think it will be a simple epiphany and presto! life is perfect. But I do believe your illumination will come and you will find yourself just where you’re suited to be in time. Meanwhile, I offer my compassion to you as you struggle with the doubts, uncertainties and anxieties of being in-between in life.

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  7. like many others, you are not alone in this. I totally agree with you, this searching of new direction sucks. I have been doing the job searching this year and faced many rejections. I started to doubt my ability and it hurts my esteem too. As I continue to find my way, I hope the best for you. Please do share your success with 1-2-3 steps…

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