Searching for My Upwards and Onwards
I’m convinced that I am moving upwards and onwards. I know I am. In fact, I’m so confident about it that I’ve even written about it in the past. (see that here).
But, yet, when it comes to professional successes, I’m still struggling.
I still have no idea how I am moving upwards and onwards. I don’t know what that looks like, and my old engrained definition of success, is preventing me from seeing the personal successes I’ve made in the last few months as mattering enough. By this I mean that rather than trying to rush to a particular outcome of what I think my life should look like after all this time of personal discovery, I’ve been trying to enjoy the ride. I’ve been focusing on living for today. Living in the moment. In fact, this is part of why I’m doing the extended 100happyday project – helping me stay within the day and enjoy the simple things in life. And by living for today, I’m trying not to worry about the future – will we end up with kids, will I return to the same professional industry; what will I enjoy doing every day for the rest of my life; will I ever get my shit together enough to try, really try, to publish something? Some days I do a great job at it. Other days, well, I completely suck at it.
And so, months into this self-discovery stuff, I still have no idea what it is I’m meant to do next professionally and I’m starting to get frustrated by it – this seems to be a reoccurring theme. I have lots of ideas, but yet still feel absolutely lost. When I allow my old, practical/rational thoughts a voice, all I hear is when will I return to working full-time? I used to make a pretty decent wage, and it seems pretty silly to not be making the money. If I keep trying to figure this out, when will I actually know what I want to do next? When have I done enough self-discovery to know the answer? Who else with nearly 7 years of post-secondary education is sitting around floundering? Shouldn’t my heart have told me what to do next by now?!
Second, part of me worries that I’m falling back into my old ways that will lead me back down that unhappy path. It’s hard to admit, that part of me thinks I’ve failed at figuring out what it is I’m meant to do with my life (yet, I also know that this isn’t necessarily a question that is meant to have an answer). Ah, how I loath the feelings associated with failure. By working on my first paid project since I left my job in May, I feel like part of me has failed to give the self-discovery enough time. I know I should despise this project – I’m not one to particularly care about numbers and statistical analysis. Even so, I said yes to a job that there is no way I am going to love. And guess what, right now, I am don’t love it. I don’t hate it either, but I definitely don’t wake up excited to turn on my computer, open the excel spreadsheet to try and discern and potentially even create patters within a sea of bazillion numbers until I’m slightly cross-eyed.
So, why did I actually say yes to the project? I took the contact because I saw it as an opportunity with minimal commitment that pays well enough, allows me to work from home, on my own schedule, with an individual I admire. And, it was easy work – I didn’t have to do anything to find, it found me. Maybe I’m just lazy and don’t want to put in the hard work required to find the right thing? Or maybe it’s just that I’m so afraid that I’m not going to figure out what I should really do, and this is it? Or maybe, and more likely, I took this and haven’t put much effort into an actual career change because I am paralyzed by the idea that I could fail. What if I hate what I choose next? What if I put myself out there, and it doesn’t work out? What if no-one wants to hire me? What if? I know better than to focus on the what if’s, but I seem to be paralyzed by the what if’s of the working world right now.
Really, I know this all comes down to the fact that I am really just paralyzed with fear of failing again. Some days I’m really frustrated by this. Some days, when the stars are aligned, I’m okay with it all and I’m thankful Mr. MPB supports my quest to figure out exactly how I’m moving upwards and onwards.
Anyways, wish me luck as I continue to work towards an invisible goal, and I work to face this fear so that I don’t get trapped in my current industry which is clearly unhealthy for me. And hopefully, I’ll conquer this fear, successfully, sooner rather than later.
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