In yesterday’s post I complained. I actually complained that we are fortunate enough to be able to afford specialized out of country medical treatment and international adoption.
Holy, shit, I cannot believe I complained about that.
The whole post was motivated because I’m generally frustrated with the costs associated with infertility and adoption, which I think almost everyone can relate to. And in fact the comments I received clearly indicate that people can and do relate.
But the reason I cannot believe I complained like that is that the actual driver of that post was the fact that we have cancelled a trip due to stretching ourselves too thin with the cost of international adoption. I complained because I’m mad that we cannot take a month off work and travel – seriously, who complains about that!? And even more I cannot believe I wrote it and shared it. I feel like a horribly ungrateful person, and I pride myself on not being a decent person not a horribly ungrateful person.
Honestly, when I re-read yesterday’s post, for the first time ever I wanted to delete something I had written and shared. As a blogger who shares about many intimately personal topics including my family struggles, our miscarriages, our adoption, my happiness search, my desire to be positive in the face of significant life challenges, etc., this is the first time I have ever questioned sharing something. Honestly, part of me wants to push delete and pretend that I hadn’t given those thoughts the light of day in my own mind, let alone shared them with the world.
Clearly, I could have written yesterday’s post in a much less whiny way, unfortunately I didn’t and that’s now part of my written history. What is done is done. And while I’m horribly embarrassed by my complaining and whining yesterday, after much thought I have decided not to delete 
the post. I think there is a place for the conversation about the cost of infertility and adoption and the things we give up to try build our families. Heck, I think it’s a critical conversation to have with society at large. I probably should have focused on writing more about how the costs we face to build our families the non traditional way change how many of us live on a daily basis. Some of us are borrowing money from our family to afford IVF treatment; some are using online fundraisers to help pay the bills; some are using credit; and, some are working full time at jobs they hate to get by and some simply are not proceeding because they cannot afford it. While our family building decisions shouldn’t come down to the cost, the reality is that our availability of money is one of the largest hurdles that most people face. And regardless of exactly how we are affording our exact situation, the fact is many of us are stretching ourselves so thin that we are no longer able to live our versions of normal.
Ultimately, I should be focusing on the fact that we are fortunate to be able to afford all of our bills (so far). Yes, we are giving up a vacation, but as Mr. MPB said, Alaska and Northern Canada aren’t going anywhere so we can keep dreaming. And, as BattleFish suggested, we can now plan the trip for when our children are old enough to enjoy it with us. While I am still a bit disappointed, both of these facts are so incredibly true.
So, today I am going am going to take a hint from Empty Arms, Full Hearts who is inspiring me daily as she counts her blessings. Today, I am going to focus on the fact that I am grateful that we are not giving up our daily food or the roof over our heads.
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I have observed that I live in a society obsessed with having the newest and presumably the best. Many people live trying to keep up with their neighbours and some even try to live like the Kardashian Family (I should point out, I have never once watched this show as we do not have cable tv), when they simply cannot afford to. In fact, I read recently that in 2014 the average Canadian had $28,853 of consumer debt + a mortgage (source), so I suspect most of people are living well beyond their means.
So, here’s the thing about Mr. MPB and I. We work hard for our money and we appreciate that it is not limitless. We have always made sound financial decisions like buying a home that we could afford on only one income and unless we have the cash we simply don’t buy something no matter what it is. For example, let’s look at our household stuff: I like to think my house is beautifully decorated, but we also wait for the right pieces at the right price. Our favourite price is free, which includes many hand-me-down pieces of furniture that we received when we moved out on our own, or pieces of furniture that were given to us when people moved and were getting rid of things. We also like to buy second hand when we can – in fact my favourite spot to write is in a chair we recently bought for $70 used on kijiji, and my beautiful Crate and Barrel wine shelf was also bought second hand for a fraction of the retail price. And, we’ve even refinished a hutch that I bought at an antique sale for a great deal. We thought it was a little too country for our style when I first bought it, but now that we’ve refinished it, it’s one of our favourite pieces.
This isn’t to say we don’t splurge, every now and again we do buy retail, but we wait for the right sale (i.e. our bed – I am not willing to buy a bed used!). And by keeping our physical wants in check and spending wisely, we have also been able to spend money on travel adventures in the last few years – Thailand, Cambodia, Peru, Scandinavia, New York, Whistler, Dave Matthews Band at the Gorge Amphitheater.
While I just realized I am starting to write a piece on home decoration and travel, that’s not my point. The point is that we are conservative with our money, we always saw it as our responsibility to be able to save money and provide for our future children. We see this as responsible, yet others have accused us of being cheap. In fact, Mr. MPB’s mom once told us she is sad that are so financially conservative just like her husband. Who knew this would be seen as a bad thing?
But of course, today we are reaping the benefits of our cheapness. Today, our cheapness has meant that in the last 2 years we could make hard decisions that were based on our families needs, not our income needs. When we made the decision that I would stop working we did so without too much concern because we had been financially responsible. Heck, this is largely why we are able to go out of country to adopt, which we feel is a much better process for us.
So, here’s the thing. While we are able to meet our needs right now, I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because we cannot do everything we want to do. We are determined to live within our means and not go into debt, that’s not changing. But, as Mr. MPB has recently told me, I want my cake and I want to eat it too.
Having children is expensive, and it is particularly expensive when you cannot do it the “normal” way. We’ve already spent money to fly across the continent to see a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist in New York City and now we are pursing USA International Adoption which will probably cost us about $40,000-$50,000 USD. It is our dream to be parents, and now we will do so through international adoption. So, while this is our decision to make, and our choice, we will also live with the consequences.
For us, the consequences now means that our plans to do a month long road trip this summer to Alaska and Northern Canada are cancelled. It’s a trip we really wanted to do before kids, because not many little kids would enjoy spending a month in a car seat. I’m sad and frustrated that we are now changing our lifestyle just to be able to afford to have children. This is my complaint, and maybe the point of today’s post. This is bullshit! The cost of having children the non-traditional way just sucks! While we live in Canada with a “free” public health care system and yet we have still shelled out cash to see the right medical specialists out of country as they were not available to us here. And, while we are absolutely fortunate to be able to afford international adoption (and part of me feels bad for complaining about it), we are also cursed enough that in order to do it we have to compromise our lives in ways that normal fertile people don’t even need to consider.
I’m frustrated because no longer is our cheap lifestyle affording us the ability to have savings for when we do want something we saw as a little more extravagant. While I do not want to keep up with the Kardashian’s, I am finding that my want list is getting bigger by the day and I hate feeling this way. I’m not about to break our rule of living beyond our means, but man, I am starting to miss our old lifestyle.
Sure, we could have chosen not to seek specialized medical treatment and we could choose not to adopt, neither of these were valid options in our minds. Heck, we could have chosen for me to continue to work full-time in a high stress industry against the advice of mental health professionals. Yes, there are ways to have the old lifestyle back, but none of them sound very appealing.
We want children, we want to grow our family, and so we will live with the consequences. But honestly, at times, the cost of this is very overwhelming. Really, it just sucks!
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