What’s in a name?
I’ve thought about it many times and even wrote about it in respect to contemplating the complexities of naming an adopted child.
But, I don’t know if I’ve ever really talked about my blog’s name.
So, why did I decide to name my blog, the window into my life, My Perfect Breakdown? Or as it’s now often referred to, MPB.
First, the process was simple. I started throwing out ideas and Mr. MPB shot them all down. But, then he took one of my ideas and turned it into My Perfect Breakdown, and it struck a chord with me. Why?
The answer is simple:
- For better or worse, I have a tendency to always try to do things perfectly. Or at least as perfectly as a human is capable of.
- At some point, I realized that my attempt at perfection wasn’t going as smoothly as I wanted it to. I had a few miscarriages, resigned from my decently high paying professional career, and decided it was time to focus on learning to live in a new way.
- And so if I’m going to have a breakdown, I’m sure as heck going to try to do it perfectly. You know hire all the experts (i.e. career counsellor, mental health counsellor); try all kinds of healthy living strategies like finding happy moments every day for 365 days and leaning into fear, etc. Ya, the irony of a perfect breakdown is not lost on me, yet I was bound and determined to do it perfectly.
Clearly, I started my blog at a pivotal point in my life. Life wasn’t going the way I ever imagined it would. I was struggling to keep my head above water and I felt utterly alone in my struggle.
But the meaning of these three words is actually greater then just the events that occurred when I started my blog. These three words evoke much deeper meaning in my heart.
For me it’s really about the way that I’ve lived my life. I’ve spend nearly my entire life, since my mom and sister died, trying to live perfectly for them, yet often being just one step away from my breaking point. As a teenager, I worked hard to put on a facade to the world that I was surviving and my family was “normal”, yet I felt like an after-though on a nearly daily basis from my dad and step-mom. And then, I lived the same way with Mr. MPB, trying to be perfect even though he knew me well enough to know that I was far from perfect and never once expected me to be perfect. And then I literally lived for our babies I tried to do the same thing, yet it was out of my control and I failed miserably for the first real time. My facade was broken, but more importantly so was my heart and soul.
So really, these three words, in my mind are all about my life. Trying to lead a perfect life and realizing that it’s impossible. Learning to embrace my faults and not hide from them. Leaning to stay grounded in the present and hope for the future. Leaning to let go of control and accept and live a messy life.
And what’s amazing to me is that, when I started my blog I had no idea what was out there in the world (I had never read a blog until I started this one). And yet today, this blog has become and integral part of my daily life. My blog has become such a big part of who I am that I get anxious when I fall behind on responding to comments because they mean so very much to me. I look forward to writing and sharing. I write to help my heart and mind heal and process whatever is on my mind. And I write to share with others who may be experiencing something similar because I’ve learned that we are never alone in all of this. I have met amazing people through my blog who suspect I will be friends with many of you for the rest of my life. I meet new people everyday and I am beyond grateful for our interactions. My life has forever been altered by the love and friendships that I have discovered here. My heart is bigger and my soul brighter.
So, no matter what happens in my life – adoption, miscarriage, dogs, photography, work, trips to the zoo with toddler(s) or death of a loved one, I am confident that My Perfect Breakdown is always going to be part of my heart and soul and hopefully positively influencing others as well.
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So the other day I was at lunch with some colleagues. Some I know well and others I do not.
Somehow the subject of children came up.
Somehow the attention turned to me, and I was innocently asked if we had any news to share, with a literal wink and nudge.
At this point in time, I just assumed everyone in our lives knows we are adopting. And when it comes to work, I have not exactly kept our miscarriages a secrete. In fact, I have been very vocal about our adoption plans as I view it as a necessity to tell my clients that I might fall off the face of the planet for a few weeks if we get an instant placement that requires us to travel for a few weeks.
So, needless to say the person asking isn’t someone I know very well and she had no idea. Yet, I was taken aback by her statement, no-one has asked me about having kids that way in a long time. I was so taken aback that I think it showed in my response, both verbal and body language. I sort of mumbled, something like ummmm….nope, no surprises from me. After 5 losses I can assure you we are doing everything in our power to avoid that possibility as we know it wont end with a living child. I may have even said something about not wanting a dead baby. Seriously, it wasn’t my finest moment, particularly considering it was in a professional context.
The lady at the table who asked the question was clearly confused and uncomfortable. Heck, I think everyone at the table was uncomfortable! Clearly in that moment, I was flustered and had no tact. Ops.
Before I could try to start extracting my foot from my mouth, someone else at the table jumped in. She knows me a bit better, and saved the moment with a nearly perfect response – well there will be news to share when your adoption happens!
This person was my hero that day. She clearly saw I was bothered and she took away my awkwardness. She made the original comment normal in our context of adoption. She made the conversation safe again for me and for the person who innocently brought up.
We then proceeded to discuss adoption and the unknown timelines until the conversation moved onto something completely different.
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My Perfect Breakdown 