We started trying when I was 29. In my naive mind that meant we’d have our first child while I was 30 and our second (and final) by the time I was 32. Unless of course we got twins on the first try.
Instead, none of that happened.
30 was marked by an emergency D&C.
31 was marked by the start of a 29 day long miscarriage and turned out to be my last day of work with a large corporation.
32 was marked by a quiet celebration of the fact that there was no way I could lose another baby for my birthday.
And so, by the time I turned 32 we were on our 4th miscarriage. My birthday became a reminder of the world’s worst laid plan, the heartache we were living and time slipping by as our biological clocks ticked louder by the day.
But this year, everything was meant to be different. I had big expectations – sleeping in as Mr. MPB tended to Baby MPB, a day as a family and hopefully one of Mr. MPB’s amazing birthday meals.
Well, of course, reality didn’t meet expectations. I ended up awake and feeding Baby MPB bright and early while Mr. MPB slept in. Honestly, I was less then impressed. I tried to put aside my annoyance as we took Baby MPB to the zoo for the first time and ran a few errands. It worked for a short while. But, I’m not so good at staying silent and eventually I had to say my piece. Well, needless to say, if I wanted a good birthday I should have kept my mouth shut and just pretended I wasn’t annoyed. We had an epic afternoon argument which resulted in me taking the dog for a walk while Mr. MPB took Baby MPB to do a few more errands. Mr. MPB did make a very nice dinner to end the day, which we barely spoke through. And he did give me the most amazing and thoughtful gift which will actually get an entire post dedicated to it.
Needless to say, my birthday was not what I expected. I hate arguing with Mr. MPB more then anything else in the world. And, arguing on my birthday just sucked. And arguing over something as stupid as sleeping in was just plain stupid. But, you know what? Being chronically tired is hard, and stupid fights are probably bound to happen.
And, there was one thing that made this birthday the best ever – Baby MPB. Seriously, how could I not smile as I snuggled him and played with him? How could I not enjoy taking him to the zoo for the very first time (even though he slept through the entire thing). All I’ve wanted for so long is to share my life with Mr. MPB and our child, and this year I did just that. And next year, I’ll do the exact same thing. And the year after that too. And that realization is simply amazing and is the best gift.
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