Letting Go of My Secrete Hope

For some reason I’ve had it in my head that we’ll have a baby by the end of 2015.  For some reason I’ve been convinced that we will have a Christmas baby.

I’ve had it in my mind when we started our adoption process at the end of 2014, that we’d be matched by the end of 2015.  Heck, we are paying huge money in part to speed up the process by going to the USA.  I was optimistically hoping that paperwork, home study, international approvals, match, placement, everything could happen for us within 1 year.

I realize, in the international adoption world, my ambitious time-frame is very rare.  But for some reason, I have been secretly hoping that it would all work out for us.

But, I have to be honest and realistic.

2016 is fast approaching with no signs of a match.

I’m starting realize just how unlikely it is that we will be parents in 2015.  Because we are international it’s almost impossible for us to get an instant match, meaning a match with a baby the day it’s born.  So, even assuming we do not experience a failed adoption, considering today is November 10 the timelines are just becoming too tight.  There are only 52 days left before we start 2016.  So, it’s almost impossible for us to have a match happen, medical reviews conducted and a baby born in the time left in 2015.  The thing about an international open adoption is that the match process takes a lot more time then a domestic match.  There is nothing fast about it, and I have to be realistic about that.

Which means I also have to realistic about 2015 likely not being our year.  And I need to brace myself for another missed year.

And you know what?  I’m sad and I’m frustrated.

I am truly frustrated that we haven’t been matched.  I know, we’ve technically only been officially waiting for less then 6 months, but it still sucks.  Waiting for something you want more then anything in the world and have absolutely no control over is my personal version of hell. To make matters worse, I’ve started to realize the longer I wait, the more fears creep back into my mind.  Fears I thought I had addressed and become okay with, but when they have time to stir about in my mind, I’ve discovered they can resurface.  What if we get a horrible birth family?  What if we end up with a child whose health is compromised due to poor birth mother choices, how will I ever forgive the birth mother?  Will I ever just be mom, or will I always be adoptive mom?  Will our families truly accept our child?  Did we pick the right things when we stated our acceptable exposure to drugs and alcohol?  I feel horrible admitting it, but honestly, I have even wondered if this will be the right decision in the long run.  Doubt sucks! Extra time to obsess about doubt really sucks!

Asides from my jokes about wanting a winter baby from Hawaii or California, I have not seriously articulated and admitted my secrete hope of a Christmas baby to anyone out of fear that I’d say it and it would never happen.  As if somehow me hoping would jinx it from happening (irrational and impossible, I know but that’s not the point).  I have been fearful that by admitting this hope, I’d open myself up just to be crushed.  And yet, here I am realizing that my secrete hope was useless and just a repeat of every other year in our attempt to have child(ren).  I remember once thinking we’d have our baby in 2013.  Then I thought 2014.  Now I’m watching 2015 fade away.

I’m scared to hope for 2016.  What if we get into 2016 and end up with a failed match?  What if we lose an entire year for some unknown, unpredictable reason?  If recurrent pregnancy loss has taught me anything it’s made it very clear that I’m not in the driver’s seat.  That I have no control.  That whatever I don’t expect to happen, will happen.

So, I’m just scared to hope.

And I’m even more afraid to not hope.

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44 Comments on “Letting Go of My Secrete Hope

  1. Of *course* you had this hope! Waiting for the thing (person!) you want more than anything else in this world is akin to torture. It is agonizing, every time the phone rings you must wonder if this is “it”. I wish so very much that you could get your Christmas 2015 baby.

    May I ask why international adoptive parents are less likely to get a call saying “your baby was born today!”? Is it because of logistics?

    Keep holding on to your hope. One day your dream will come true. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your compassion Lindsay.
      And yes, the reason we are unlikely to get am immediate placement is that the logistics of notifying us, which includes copious amounts of government involvement, can take up to two weeks from the timw the birth mom chooses us until we actuqlly find out. I kind of hope both governments would kick it up into high gear to speed things up if it were an immediate placement but I’m holding my breath.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So many of your fears and doubts are so familiar to me, even this many years later. Adoption is such a leap of faith from the standpoint of believing you will actually at some unknown point become a mom. I’m proof, along with all the other adoptive parents out there, that you will indeed be a mom, maybe not in your timing, but in perfect timing nonetheless. I believe that there is a child destined to be yours and nothing will keep that from happening. The wait is so hard, but hang in there because your day is coming my friend!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I completely agree that adoption is a leap of faith and hope too. It’s hard to believe that one day we are going to get a phone call and literally start a new life as a family of three. You are right, it may not be my timing, but one day it will happen. Arg, I’m so not patient!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i agree with lindsay, keep holding on to your hope! whether it’s by christmas, or a short time thereafter, it will be just as precious. in the meantime you might as well hold on to the hope.

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  4. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you get the 2015 baby you so want and deserve 🙂

    I totally understand your feelings of sadness and frustration with regards to getting your baby. Waiting for your dreams to come true is never easy, however when it happens all of this will fade away and the wait will have been so worth it!

    I hope you end up with the best Christmas present ever 🙂

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    • Thanks so much beanie. I so appreciate your words of encouragement and understanding. I do believe you are right, when it does happen so much of this will just fade away and ever second of waiting will be worth it. I just hope I don’t have to wait that many more seconds. 🙂

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  5. I’m sorry you may not get your 2015 baby or your Christmas baby. I, too, love the idea of a Christmas baby. There is something so magical about that. But, truly, whenever your baby comes will be beyond magical. I can’t imagine how hard this waiting is for you. I know it’s different than the waiting of infertility because you KNOW you’re all set up and it WILL happen, but all you need is that match. It’s such a so-close-yet-so-far thing. It must be torturous! If you can, I would try not think about any specific year or month, and instead just keep repeating to yourself that whenever your baby comes will be the exact right time in your life and the exact right baby. This is way easier said than done, of course. I’ve had to force myself to do the same and I do think it has made things a little easier. Maybe. 😉 Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know, I would never have wanted a Christmas baby before all of this, but now i really could care less what time of year our baby joins the world, I just want them to join the world! Simple wishes, right? 🙂
      Now, to focus on patiently waiting… I like your idea to help refocus my impatient mind.

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  6. I found it easier to just let go of timing. Stop thinking forward as in X months we could have a baby and try to take it one day, one step at a time. Obviously this takes a few adjustments as anxiety and impatience can set you back on the counting track. Just trust and believe it’s coming. I truly hope that Christmas time brings you at least some progress or a real timeline for when you baby is due!

    Liked by 2 people

    • One thing adoption really does is remove the time frame from family planning. And for the most part I have come to accept that because we really have no ability to influence it. But, this Christmas wish was my one last hope related to timelines – I’ve held onto it as long as possible, but am now realizing it’s very unlikely to happen.
      But, I like you attitude, maybe Christmas will bring us some real good steps forward! That would be amazing! 🙂

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  7. I’m so sorry. Waiting is the worst. I’ve only been waiting 2.5 years for our first living child (I know it’s been dragging on even longer for you!), and even with a clear path forward and a high likelihood that 2016 will be our year, it’s still hard to wait. It’s hard to wait and watch other families grow, other babies being born, other kids passing milestones, and you’re just trying to get on with living your life, even though you wish your life were different and you feel powerless to make it look the way you want. Waiting is the absolute worst thing about infertility and pregnancy loss, and I’m so sorry that it’s also the ONLY thing you can do with your adoption right now! I will keep hoping that your Christmas baby will happen, because I can’t think of anyone more deserving of that Christmas baby than you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Waiting is the worst at the best of times! And waiting without any ability to influence the outcome and timing is pure torture!
      Thank you for your hope! I too am going to keep hoping for our Christmas baby because there is no harm in hoping. 🙂

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  8. Every day that passes you are one day closer to that little miracle you will hold close and finally get to love and snuggle!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Yes, of course you’d hope this was your year, and the last, and the last…God, this process feels so unfair. And it also seems very unfair that you won’t be able to be instantly connected with the baby upon birth. But you must hold onto the hope for next year and remember how marvelous it will be when you finally hold your child in your arms. In the moments when you can’t, we’re all here hoping for you. 😘

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  10. I am so sorry that the adoption process is taking this long for you. Just like you I had hoped that 2015 was my year and that I would have a child by now, but 2015 didn’t pan out the way I had planned. I hope that things start moving a little quicker for you as we come to the end of the year. xo

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  11. I haven’t commented lately… My heart breaks for you. For some reason Christmas is always a hard time for me, I tend to look back at the year and focus on what didn’t happen, instead of what did. As the end of the year approaches I will continue to pray for you, for a match, for your dream of becoming parents to become a reality. I have not been in your shoes and I can’t say I understand how you feel, but I wish you peace as you wait for the next step in your lives.

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  12. Id say you are the most patient person I have interacted with. By now, I would be hopping on one foot half way to burn off my impatience.
    This waiting thing sucks, I so wish it happened right now!!
    Well, whenever it happens, it will be perfect but from now on, I
    Will be hoping with you as well. It will happen soon.
    On a side note and because I dont know much, does international adoption happen only after baby is born? Can a pregnant woman not select a couple?

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  13. I am so sorry. It sucks to wait and not know how long the wait is. I bought our future baby a couple of presents the two Christmases we waited. (The first Christmas not matched yet and the second one matched but waiting on a visa.) It really sucked at the time, but now my daughter is at the age where she loves hearing about when she was a baby and she thinks it’s SO COOL that she got presents from us before we’d even met her. Hugs as you figure out how to survive the secret expectations (I think everyone has them!) and I hope this is all in the rearview mirror sooner rather than later!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think all of us having secret wishes and timelines in our head at some stage in this baby journey. And sadly they rarely seem to come to fruition. It is sooooo frustrating. I hope more than anything that the holiday season brings you at least a snippet of news to keep you going but even if it doesn’t you will still get your baby. One day the little cutie will be in your arms and the wait will be over and it will seem like the most perfect timing in the world. Hugs xx

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  15. I honestly can’t say I get it, from the adoption point of view. But they seem like reasonable fears to me – you just have to push through that and remember this is about completing your family. The rest doesn’t matter so much.

    For what its worth, I do understand the time thing. My heart was so set on a 2015 baby and now a 2016 baby. I constantly wonder if I’ll ever have a baby at all, let alone a 2016 one. Love to you.

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  16. Oh Hon, I’m so sorry it’s looking like you’re not going to get your Christmas Baby. Here’s what I’m hoping for you; I’m hoping that by Christmas, you will find out that you have been matched and will at least have a time frame of when your baby will be here. I know this wait is so, so tough. It sucks knowing there’s nothing we can do to make this go faster. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers that you will find out soon! Keep hoping…it’s all we got!

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  17. This is really hard, painful. I remember thinking, “this will be our year” and then it wouldn’t be. My first failed IVF killed me inside because I would have delivered in December, and that failure meant 2010 would not be our year. It was horrible.

    It takes a lot to admit what you did here. We all have secret hopes, and when they fall through, we feel gutted. I always secretly hoped we’d get miraculously pregnant after our successful IVF and every month was torture. No one even knew I was hoping, not even Brian. I felt like I was suffering so much alone. I’m glad you told us.

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  18. I would (and do) feel the exact same way that you do! I was recently told that you have to have hopes and dreams and things to look forward to. I was told last December that I should be pregnant within 3 months…well here we are 11 months later and pretty darn far from being any sort of pregnant. But I still have my timeline in my head, and I don’t think it’s wrong for you to have the same thing. And you never know, it COULD happen for you still. Even if it doesn’t happen before the end of the year, maybe you could have a little Valentine’s baby of love! Whatever happens, you have all of us here to support you and encourage you along the way!

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  19. Waiting is hard, even when it’s a short wait. Hope and I were matched so quickly after I finished my paperwork. I remind folks that speedy matched are great but they come with their own challenges and I imagine that might be true even with infant adoption. It’s normal to be hopeful, anxious and disappointed. Just let the emotions wash over you and try not to sit with them, meeting them consume you. Your baby will come in his/her time and will bring you immense joy. Hugs!

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  20. It’s so hard to be hopeful when you haven’t got anything concrete to work with. It’s also so incredibly hard when it’s the ONE thing you want more than anything else. I wish that the international adoption process was more streamlined for you, and that they’d give you more feedback on the process too. It is cruel to have you waiting and hoping without much communication. Do what you can to distract yourself. I’m hoping that 2016 is your year. You and Mr. MPB deserve to be picked soon.

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  21. Waiting is terrible. I have a quote that I love, even though I have no idea where it came from “patience is a virtue- and I don’t have it”. I can’t imagine not having any sort of timeline or plan in place, especially after all that you’ve been through. Just know that the community who surrounds you is hoping and/or praying that your little one comes to you soon. *hugs*

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  22. Oh honey this post made me so fucking sad. I absolutely get this. All of it. I used to hate the count down to the end of the year, it would signal another year of loss and sadness and failure. The adoption and infertility waiting game is cruel – no other way to say it. Sending big fat warm hugs your way xxx

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  23. I’m sorry about your frustrations! Many of it I can sympathize with! I too have been waiting for years I remember so clearly thinking that 2013 would be our year then I was sure it would happen 2014 and here 2015 is about to end! At this point I feel like each day just has to be our time which means each and every day is one day closer to our dreams coming true!!! HUGS!!!

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  24. Hope is what keeps us going on this journey. I have in my mind done the same, not with adoption but with ttc and ivf. For me it is always being pregnant or having a baby before my next birthday but of course it has not happened…yet! I think it is healthy that you have this hope and though it may not happen when it does it will not matter that it was not this Christmas. I just tend to move my hope goal posts forward! I can not imagine the frustration of waiting, this is so different from everything you have already been through in this waiting game and I do imagine I would start to over think it all as that would be typical me. I am hoping for you, I am hoping that your wait is shorter and that if you do not get your Christmas baby you will be starting a new year as a Mum. What is most important is that it is going to happen and you will be an amazing mother. Sending hugs and hope. xo

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  25. Waiting is awful 😦 And that feeling of seeing another year slip away with no change is awful too. I know how I felt, watching the numbers change on the YEAR of the calendar and getting no further. It’s like life slowly dribbling away while you wait and wait and wait, everything else kind of hold, or in suspended animation while you wonder what will happen IN THE END. Or even if you will ever get there. Christmas is a hard time too – last year, in the midst of another miscarriage, it seemed like we’d been fighting a battle that was never, ever going to stop. I am sorry you haven’t been matched yet, and can feel your disappointment. I always look at your posts hoping for good news, for something to suddenly turn up, for you to get that call that says it’s all happening… I’m keeping everything crossed for you. Even if it’s not a 2015 baby, it will happen. It will, it will, it will. xxx

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  26. One thing I am sure of is that your time will come. Though we don’t know WHEN exactly that will be, it WILL come. Patience is hard. I totally get it, but it’s coming…..and you just never know what miracle is awaiting you right around the corner…so, HOPE and HOPE away! (((hugs)))

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  27. I know that as time speeds by and 2015 is coming to a close, it’s hard to not lose hope and it’s also realistic, but I’m going to keep hoping for you for the next 6 weeks. And if 2015 should come to an end without a match, then I pray it’s very, very soon in 2016. I agree with the above comments, your time will come, but it damn well better come soon. You have waited long enough already! Hoping and praying for you constantly hon. Huge hug ❤

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  28. Thinking of you! I am in the wait too! I also have recently said goodbye to my hope of meeting our match this year…which makes it difficult to think he will be home in 2016 at all….sigh. Hugs and patience to you (and a dose for me too!).

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