When I look in the mirror I no longer see the girl I once did.

Upon first glance, I still see the same basic features.  My eyes, they are still greenish.  My hair is still brown.  My glasses still sit squarely on my nose.

But as I age, I am now realizing the reflection looking back at me is different.

It’s no longer an innocent face.  Instead, it’s that of a women who has experienced more of life.  The ups and downs.  The good and the bad.

I realize the face staring back at me is also possibly wiser, with a little bit of broken added in.

I see a women who has lived.

I see the white hairs that evaded my most recent colouring.

I see a work in progress.

I see the start of a few wrinkles.

When I look a bit deeper, I can see more then just a smile.

When I try, I can see sorrow and pain that runs deeply.  Sorrow and pain that I work to keep hidden from outside view, that I often try to avoid myself.

I see a battle between optimism and fear.  Most days, I see cautious optimism beating out fear.

If I look hard enough, I see hopes and dreams hidden below the surface as if to keep them safe.  As if to be holding onto them tighter, and keeping them secrete, special and untainted.  As if, keeping them hidden will help protect them from destruction.

I see determination in her eyes, and a will to overcome and persevere.  I see a survivor.

I see a women who longs for a life she fondly remembers and yet can never have.  But, at the same time I also see a women who loves the life she has.

I see a women who is grateful for what she has in her life, because she knows all to well how quickly life can change.

I see a women I never thought I’d be.  And yet, I love the women I am, faults and all.

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30 Comments on “Aging

  1. This is so lovey and touching. I find it so weird to look in the mirror sometimes because in many ways I still feel 16 but definitely look older. Sometimes it makes me proud and feel strong and sometimes I want a little bit of that innocence back. Thank you for articulating this so beautifully.


    • Thank you mamajo. It’s amazing to think of how much life has changed me in ways I never expected. Sometimes it really hard to be okay with it all, and other times I’m really rather proud of the women I’ve become.
      And I must say I am also amazed at the strength that you show on a nearly daily basis. I aspire to be as warm and kind as you are.


  2. I love this. When I “look” at you I see an incredible woman who is kind, courageous, caring, full of strength and a fighter through and through. I’m glad you love who you see in the mirror because I think all of us here would agree that she’s pretty darn incredible. And P.S. one of these days I hope you send me a pic of yourself so I can see what you look like for reals! I have green eyes, too, btw. Not often you find another greenie.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Love this post. And we all love you for who you are. The bad times in life make us stronger, they help mold us into deeper souls, and hopefully better people. We can enjoy the highs more, because we know what the lows feel like.
    People always tell me “you’re so strong, I don’t know how you do it!” I do it because I know I have to. I’ve been in worse places in life, and though yeah, I’m going through a lot of crap right now, I always know it could be worse. Right now I have the love and support of a lot of people, and that helps a lot.
    So you may not be the person you were years ago, but I think the person you are right now is perfect. ❤


    • First, thank you, your words are simply too kind. And for the record, i also think you are a perfect version if you. You insoire me on a daily basis and your courage and strength is admirable,
      Also, I hate the your so strong comments! Like you I tend to think of it more as just getting through the day because I don’t see any alternative.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes exactly! If I let every bad thing get me down, I would be a puddle of mush. We just do what we need to do to get by. And thank you 🙂


  4. So true. There have been times that I’ve looked in the mirror and felt really defeated and well, old. That is not a good way to ‘think’ on this journey and so like you, I turn it around to see the strength, wisdom and experience written into my features now. I also truly feel as though I look kinder now. I can’t explain it, but there’s a softness and understanding for the struggle of others, unrelated to fertility and I hope/think it shines through.


    • I hate the days were I look in the mirror and just feel old, but I definitely have those days too. But as you say, it’s not a great way to look at life so I choose not to most dats. And I know exactly what you mean about being kinder now – I would say that has probably been one of the most sinificant changes I’ve experienced as a result of RPL.


  5. This is something I have been thinking on a lot lately and have been half working on a post about in my head. Sort of a different vein though. More to do with how much I have changed inside and out, how much I have matured and how much wiser I am now, but how much I still have to learn and experience.
    This post is beautifully written.


    • I am so excited to read your post! And yes, it’s amazing to think about how far we’ve come in life and how far we still have to go. There is always more to learn and experience!


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