Having A Family – What’s Next For Us?

After all our bad news lately, we have been talking a lot about what is next for us. We’ve been talking, thinking, crying and even laughing. We see 5 options before us right now.

1. Try Again with the full treatment plan

In many ways, this would be the ideal solution, because Mr. MPB and I already have some idea what we would be getting into. But, we both know that it is unlikely to occur for us. Based on our current diagnosis expectations, it is unlikely we will be able to afford the full treatment plan. We fully expect that once we receive the full treatment plan from Dr. B, this will trigger the official end of our RPL/infertility journey after almost 2.5 years and 5 lost babies. I am sure that this will take us on another emotional roller-coaster as we come to grips with our new reality, but I am confident we will figure out how to live with this.

2. Try Again with a partial treatment plan

This is probably not going to happen for us. We chose from the onset not to tell Dr. B about our financial constraints. We wanted him to design us the full package (i.e. we want the Porch with all the bells and whistles and upgrades). We want to know what he would recommend without any constraints to know what will give us our best chances.

Once we see that, we can then start to look at downgrading and what the lesser options will do to our budget and our chances of success (i.e. will we just be designing the ford pinto which will allow us to drive it until it explodes and kills us all). That said, I suspect both my husband and I are prepared to walk away from trying again if we cannot do everything on Dr. B’s list – neither of us want to go through another miscarriage, and if we cannot afford the best, we might just not be willing to take the ride. Honestly, for me, right now, it was one thing before to be willing to try again when we didn’t know the cause. But now, knowing my body is unknowingly reacting negatively to each one of our babies and ultimately ending each pregnancy, I’m not really interested in trying if I cannot at least give them a better chance at survival. I don’t see how I would be willing to try again both because I don’t want that to be my child’s short life. I also don’t believe that I can experience another loss. I’m not sure I can emotionally play the game anymore when the risks are so high and the chances of success so unbelievably low. If we cannot afford the full treatment plan this will likely be the end of our pregnancy journey.

All of this said, we will not make any decisions until we know and understand the final diagnosis and treatment plan options and chances of success.

3. Surrogacy / Gestational Carrier

This may be one of our best options moving forward. We have been spending a lot of time discussing and researching this option. We will undoubtedly also be spending a lot of time in the future discussing the same.

There are definitely some pros and cons for this solutions.

Pros include:

  • Having our genetic child. But, we don’t really care about the genetic link, it’s not the most important thing for us.
  • We will know the full family medical history.
  • We will know with some certainty that no alcohol or drugs have been consumed by the carrier.

Some negatives include:

  • Finding a carrier in a country that does not allow payment for such arrangements.
  • Costs of potentially travelling internationally to pay for a carrier.
  • Health risks of international IVF and premature births.
  • Myself going through IVF – I feel like I’ve already had enough physical torture with 5 failed pregnancies, and I’m not sure I am even willing to go down that route.
  • The emotional investment in the process – the uncertainty of a TWW. I honestly don’t know if I have it left in me to do this again. I’m afraid another loss would destroy me.

4. Adoption

Right now, deep inside my heart, I believe this will be our final route to parenthood. As we have been researching adoptioon for months now, I have written a bunch about adoption in the past multiple times (and I’m I will continue to). We have a lot of concerns, but we also have a lot of knowledge about the process and the risks.

Ultimately, we both know that if we want to have children, adoption is the most certain way to get there. We know if we choose to adopt, that with some time and patience we will end up with a child. There is something to be said about certainty. There is something to be said about loving a child in need of parents.

5. A life without children

This will likely not be our outcome. We have talked about this at length over the last year, and even more so in the last few weeks. While not having children would enable us to travel more, take greater risks, have less financial worries, go out for fancy dinners more frequently, and really do whatever we want (as I have discussed), we both know this choice would also mean something will always be missing in our lives. And, as my husband so eloquently put it the other day, if I have to choose either adoption or not having children, I’d rather take the small health risks related to adoption.

Once again, he is so right (I knew there was a reason I married this amazing man). For us, at the end of the day,

We want children to be part of our lives, and we will love and care for any child that comes into our lives regardless of how they arrive. We have too much love in our hearts to not share it.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

45 Comments on “Having A Family – What’s Next For Us?

  1. That’s exactly how J and I feel about adoption. I’m getting anxious for January to hopefully, finally, get the process started. I know you will be great parents no matter what option you go with to find your children!

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    • So, we may end up on the exact same adoption schedule as you guys. The next available adoption seminar offered here is in January! So, we cannot move forward in the adoption process until then as well (which rationally I know is probably best so that we have a few months to grieve and pick ourselves back up).
      And thank you so much for your kind words – I too believe you and J will make amazing parents when the time comes!

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  2. It sounds like you’re getting your thoughts together on all of this, and that’s hard to do. Emotions make rational thought and reasoning very difficult! I love your tone in this post – so positive!

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    • Thanks Courtney! You are so right about emotional vs rational thought. I feel as though we are pulling ourselves out of the bad-news fog, and starting to think about what options we still have left, which is just such a better state of mind.

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  3. Brilliant post. When you’re faced with so many obstacles it really helps to be practical and look at what you can do, and you have lots of viable options here. Surrogacy and adoption both sound great if you decide not to try again yourselves – whatever happens you’ll have a child to love, and that’s the main thing xxx

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    • Thank you so much, I just love your positivity that “whatever happens you’ll have a child to love, and that’s the main thing.” I hope we both get our little ones soon!! 🙂

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  4. It sounds like you guys are really narrowing down your options and knowing your limitations when it comes to treatments or adoption or surrogacy. Either way I am excited to watch how your story unfolds. I do wish it was so much more simple. Hugs! XO

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    • Thanks so much for your encouragement! I do wish it was so much more simple, but I guess we just have to make the most of our situation and wade through all the options and complexities.

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  5. You’re definitely plowing through an incredible amount of information and coming to some wonderfully clear conclusions. It seems as though you have a strong pull towards adoption, which is great. In terms of surrogacy, I have many friends who did international surrogacy and we’re pleased. There are definitely logistical hoops but for married, heterosexuals there are a lot of options. As far as you going through IVF, I have to say it really is surprisingly uneventful. I started the IVF process with dread but have been pleasantly surprised. Luckily, your age is in your favor so you have plenty of time to decide.

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    • Thanks Elizabeth! I am currently more pulled to adoption then surrogacy, but we all know we can change our minds pretty quickly! And thank you for sharing your perspective on IVF – while I really doubt we will do it, I always appreciate having more information. Do you happen to know what counties your friends went to for international surrogacy? I’m always curious.
      And you are right, age is absolutely in our favour in so many ways, but it still pisses me off that we are looking at a few years before we will have children with all the alternative options. But, I guess late is better then never, right? 🙂
      Thanks again for all your encouragement!!

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  6. It’s so hard to make decisions when it comes to having children, but I am glad you have some plans in place to make it happen. Wishing you all the best!

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  7. I agree with MLACS. You two are already great parents and you will be amazing parents to your future child however he or she may come to you. I just know it. ❤

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  8. So many options and I am praying that you have complete peace with whichever one you choose. I know you will be great parents and I can’t wait to continue following you on this journey as you do become a mommy. I pray it will be quick and painless (emotionally and physically). Xo

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  9. Sending you much love and strength as you decide on the next step of your journey. It seems like you have a clear view on your possibilities, and can make a sound decision once you have all the information. No matter how it happens, your baby will be much loved and you will be a wonderful, loving mother. You already are.

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    • Thank so much for your love and beautiful words!
      It definitely helps me to lay my options out clearly so that we can evaluate everything to make the best possible decision. 🙂

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  10. Hi! I am new to your blog and look forward to reading more. I’m sorry you have such a hard decision to make on what route you will take. My husband and I finally are expecting with a gestational carrier. When this was first brought up by the doctor he mentioned that someone we know would volunteer to do this for free. I thought he was nuts! But he was right! My cousin volunteered to carry our baby; we didn’t even ask. My thought is, is if you want to go this route, I’m sure there is someone who would do the same for you.
    I have a couple friends who adopted and it has been so wonderful for them and can be such a beautiful thing!
    Of all your choices, I know you will make the correct one for you! Wishing you all the best and that whatever you choose will get you your sweet, precious baby as soon as possible 🙂

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    • Hi Jennifer! Welcome – I too just started following your blog and am so excited that you are expecting with a gestational carrier! That is so incredibly wonderful and I am so excited to be able to learn from your experiences!
      I am sure I will spend some time writing about all our thoughts on gestational carriers. We have actually had 2 women “offer” in passing to be a carrier for us, but we know one is busy growing her own families and the other is dealing with there own health struggles, so adoption will likely be just as quick and more realistic. But, who knows what will happen in the future.
      Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂

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  11. I get the sense of some clouds parting and blue sky peeking through. This post sounds grounded and contemplative without being academic. I am so grateful to see you and Mr. MPB coming to a place of togetherness as you field your potential options. I wish you peace, love and compassion as your journey unfolds.

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  12. I love how clear headed you are in the way you and your hubby are thinking through your options. It’s really admirable and I really think it’ll lead you down a path that your heart connects with and feels right. I know your resilience and determination will pay off. Sending love your way during this time! ❤

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    • Thanks so much for your thoughts and love. I feel as though we are slowing moving out of the extreme disappointment of finding out that the costs of trying again are likely unattainable. And, clearly laying out our options is so critical for us to be able to make some sort of a decision on what’s next.
      How are you doing these days?

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      • I’ve been doing ok…I got really sick with a stomach flu recently, and have been so busy trying to catch up with work that I’ve fallen behind on blogging! I’ve been reading all your posts though, and have been thinking of you as you’re going through all of this. Hugs!

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  13. You have thought these options out so thoroughly but they’re all so different. A surrogate seems like a viable option that wouldn’t put you through further physical stress, although the beginning may still have a lot of emotional what it’s. Good luck. And I like how you called your husband “Mr MPB”

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  14. I love your thought process! This makes me so incredibly happy as it’s thoughts I’ve had myself. I’m not five losses in, and it gives me such great hope that you can still think about your decisions and make intelligent ones even though you are so emotionally and physically hurt. ❤

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    • I’m glad you found this helpful! I know for us, moving forward to evaluate our other opens and make intelligent decisions, has been a really important step to keep hope alive right now and move away from being consumed with all the negative emotions.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. You certainly have a lot to think about but you just writing down your thoughts is helpful to all those that read your blog, and I’m sure it was helpful for you to get all those thoughts in one place. Thinking of you!

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