Ever since we chose to turn to adoption to grow our family, we have been experiencing people being excited for us. After spending the last few years with a cloud of misery hanging over our heads, facing “the looks” of sympathy/pity from almost everyone we know, it has been really weird for us to experience people being happy for us. We are grateful for everyone’s excitement and joy, because it helps us get a bit more excited about the possibilities.
Yet, while we are getting more and more excited about the whole adoption thing, it doesn’t mean my hurt and pain is gone. Sometimes everyone else’s excitement stabs me just a little bit. Just enough for me to catch my breath before I force on a smile. Because you know what all the excitement feels like? It feels like everyone has forgotten what we have been through. And more importantly, it feels like everyone has forgotten our lost children.
I do understand where our friends and family are coming from, no-one likes to talk about miscarriage and dead babies. But their refusal to acknowledge our miscarriages and therefore our babies, hurts.
No-one seems to understand the fact that we have not forgotten and we never will. It feels like I am no longer allowed the space to speak about our losses, our children or our dreams. It feels like I have to be excited all the time for our future family, at the cost of our past family.
We have 5 little ones that we will carry around in our hearts for the rest of time. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever replace these little souls and those little heart beats that fought so hard.
And while we are incredibly excited to grow our family through adoption, choosing adoption doesn’t mean we forget. It doesn’t mean we are magically healed. I don’t believe this means I have to forget or hide our lost babies. I don’t believe I could ever forget the experiences of the last few years. And, I don’t believe for a second I should be expected to.
So even if no-one else remembers, I promise, I will always remember.
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Another week of photos for your viewing pleasure on this wonderful Christmas Eve. I hope you enjoy the photos as much as I enjoyed each moment.
Day 164 – December 17, 2014: It seemed like a fun idea to roast our very own chestnuts – just like Martha Stewart. Once they were in the over, we realized neither one of us particularly like nuts. And upon tasting them we determined neither of us particularly care for roasted chestnuts. So, they all ended up in the garbage. Asides from the end product, it was a thoroughly happy chestnut roasting adventure.
Day 165 – December 18, 2014: Today is our wedding anniversary. We had great plans to celebrate with new tradition of giving each other simple gifts inspired by the traditional wedding gift for the year. Instead, we did absolutely nothing to celebrate and our old tradition of doing nothing is now ingrained. But we did enjoy each others company as we made shortbread cookies, and that was definitely happy.
Day 166 – December 19, 2014: Outdoor ice skating with Mr. MPB. Upon realizing that I have not been on skates in about 14 years, we decided to take it up again this winter. I am rediscovering basic skating skills and am slowly regaining my confidence on the ice. And, we are having so much fun skating together in the evenings on our local outdoor rink under twinkling lights!
Day 167 – December 20, 2014: We spent a wonderful day celebrating Christmas with my family, and we told everyone about our adoption plans! And, of course we opened our first Christmas presents of the year – my brother did an excellent job as I now have a new fancy bike computer with all the bells and whistles for my road bike! We had such a wonderful day, filled with countless happy moments.
Day 168 – December 21, 2014: We went out for a walk today to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather. On our stroll around the neighbourhood, we stopped and watched a squirrel playing and jumping in the trees (maybe, not playing so much as trying to run and hide from the 80lbs dog that was watching with great intrigue).
Day 169 – December 22, 2014: We are feeling mighty accomplished tonight – our house is clean and ready for guests; most of our groceries are purchased; and, our newest batch of red wine is now bottled.
Day 170 – December 23, 2014:
Wishing everyone splendid happy moments this Christmas season!
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My Perfect Breakdown 