I hate New Year’s Resolutions. In fact, I hate them so much I have never made one. And this New Years is no different.

My hatred for New Year’s Resolutions is similar to my hated for dieting. Quick fixes are often unattainable because they do not get to the root of the issue. Saying, I am going to smile everyday isn’t necessarily that simple. Really, one should be asking themselves, why am I not smiling? What is causing my problems? What needs to change to help create a foundation for smiling more regularly? While I know not everyone is going to take this pragmatic approach to solving personal problems, it’s how I function. I want a deeper understating, and I believe the deeper understanding will help support the long term change.

Even then, while I firmly believe in lifestyle changes, but I do not believe in grand promises to oneself. I firmly believe that life style changes take work, and dedication and are more than just a sweeping statement of change on a date when societal customs say you should. Real, meaningful lifestyle changes include slip-ups and set-backs, as well as successes and triumphs. Progress is not always linear. Some days (and even weeks) are messy. They include many small, manageable changes that together result in a big changes. Changes that can last a lifetime, but will only last if we choose to make them last.

So, all of this said, I sit here today and I look back on the last year. For us, 2013 and 2014 have been full of heartache as we have lost 5 little babies that were never able to take their first breath. We have struggled to find happiness and joy through all of it. I have done my research to see how others find happiness, reading books, reading blogs, Goodling, talking with a counsellor, etc. I feel as though I have done my happiness homework.

So, I did not wait until New Years Eve to proclaim that I’d be happier during the next year. Heck, at this point, I do not believe that anyone can predict something like a happier year ahead. Life doesn’t work that way.

But, what I do know is that after our 4^th loss, I decided to start my blog and share my story. One day I decided to stop trying so hard with toxic people who only hurt me. And then, one day I finally listened to my counsellor and decided to quit my job and focus on my mental health and my physical and mental recovery. And then, one day I woke up and decided to immediately start the 100 days of happiness, then I decided to keep going and January 1 will mark 179 consecutive days of photographing simple happy moments in my life. And probably one of the biggest events of 2014 was our decision to seek out of country medical expertise regarding our recurrent pregnancy loss, which has enabled us to turn to adoption to grow our family. Many times during the year I fought hard to find hope, when I hope was all but lost for me. And one day I decided I was sick of not being allowed to exercise due to high risk pregnancies and miscarriages – 2 years of inactivity was literally killing me – I simply did not feel healthy, So, I completed our home gym and hired a private trainer to help us get our physical health back.

All this of this means, that 2015 will be very different from 2014 and 2013. Even with experiencing so much loss, that I am in a much different place today then I was yesterday and I know tomorrow will be much different than today! 2013 was a year of heartache, a year where the pain just grew and grew, as our experiences just got worse and worse. 2014 was also a year of heartache, but a year where I searched out hope and happiness through all of it and somehow I made it through our toughest of times. Because of the personal foundation I worked so hard to build through 2014, I hope 2015 will be a year filled with even more happiness and hope.

I am convinced that if we keep doing the hard work, working on our well-being, working to grow our family, 2015 should be a whole lot happier!

So looking forward to 2015, I will not proclaim any sort of new life promises. But I will continue to trudge along. I will continue to wade into the messy emotions and sort through all the crazy. I will continue to experience pain, because that’s part of life and cannot be completely avoided, but I am better equipped to deal with setbacks then I was before. I will continue to search for happiness and fill my life with positive influences. I will continue to live and love wholeheartedly. I will continue to grow as an individual, as half of a couple, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister and maybe even as a mother.

I will look towards 2015 with hope, because hope has engrained itself in my very being as my guiding light through the good times and the bad.

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