I feel the need to scream this from the top of my lungs:

ADOPTION IS NOT A LAST RESORT.  RATHER ADOPTION IS THE BEST CHOICE FOR MY FAMILY!!

Now, I’ll back up and tell you why I feel the need to share this.  Our well meaning family and friends have on more than one occasion stopped us in my tracks with their questions. In fact, a few months ago I wrote about some of the irritating questions we received right away when we told people about our decision to adopt.

In the time that we’ve been considering adoption to grow our family we’ve learned that insensitive questions and comments are common. I firmly believe people do not mean to be hurtful, but they ask questions because people genuinely are trying to understand more about adoption and they have no idea how to ask the right questions.

The very fact that someone felt compelled to make this adoption youtube video speaks to the frequency and nature of questions that adoptive families are asked (as an aside, I love this video, and I think everyone who wants to know more about appropriate adoption questions should watch it):

So, today, I want to share with everyone a new type of hurtful adoption question we have now received on three different occasions – maybe you should look into surrogacy or try IVF.

First let me state that I believe these questions are inappropriate to ask someone choosing to adopt. Stated another way, please do not suggest to someone who is already in the process of adopting that they should consider alternative options!!

Why you ask?  Let me explain.

First, these questions make me feel as though the person asking doesn’t feel that adoption is good enough way to have children. And it hurts so much to think that someone doesn’t think that our adopted child will be good enough. I suspect that no-one means to tell us that our family plans and our children will not be good enough, but that’s what these questions imply to us.

Second, I believe anyone choosing to put themselves through any alternative way to have children has evaluated the options and made the decision that is best for them. There are so many potential options available to have children today: trying the old fashioned way, trying the Dr. Braverman way, IUI’s or IVF, surrogacy, gestational carrier, or choosing not to have children, etc. To suggest that we should consider alternate options is to suggest that we don’t know what we are doing and we haven’t thought this decision through. Just like its taboo to say to someone going through infertility that they should just adopt, it should be just as taboo to say to someone going through adoption that they should do something else instead. I firmly believe that none of these alternative approaches to building a family are easy or cheap. Everyone makes the decision that is best for them, and I know for us, we really appreciate when people show respect for our decision rather than question it.

Third, if you feel really compelled to make a suggestion, please make sure you know what you are talking about. Please do not tell me how easy IVF is because it just involves shooting sperm into the uterus – that’s actually an IUI, and even an IUI often isn’t that simple when you consider the monitoring and medications involved. Do not tell me how surrogacy involves just using sperm from Mr. MPB and an egg from me, when in fact that’s called a gestational carrier. Do not tell me that IVF will work, when statistically IVF actually has a higher chance of miscarriage with traditional pregnancies, and the miscarriage stat assumes you even get enough eggs harvested to create enough embryos to implant. If you truly feel the need to question our decision please know your facts so that you can engage in an intelligent conversation.

Fourth, our decision has been made. It is final and we will not be changing our mind. At this point in time your alternative suggestions are condescending and hurtful. I now find myself saying: Our decision to adopt was not a decision by committee, rather it was a decision between Mr. MPB and I. If we wanted your opinion we would have asked for it when we were making our decision, and we didn’t. Instead, we now ask that you now respect and support our decision to grow our family through adoption.

Lastly, these suggestions imply that adoption is a last resort. Adoption is not a last resort. In fact, amongst all the possible ways to have a family in this modern world, adoption is the best choice for our family. No-one is forcing us to adopt, rather we have made the choice to adopt our child(ren). And we are excited about our choice and our future family.  Please, respect this.

I firmly believe that adoption is not a last resort, rather adoption is the best choice for my family. And, anyone who understands and respects this will always hold a special place in my heart.

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