How the heck is it already September?
This time last year we were heating our house with a fire as my part of the world had a massive snow dump that knocked out power. I’m so not ready for winter!!
But, the point of today’s post is not the weather.
Instead I’m feeling the need to reflect.
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It was about a year ago that we began obsessively reading and researching about progesterone after a not so great blood test indicated our first ever possible explanation for 5 consecutive miscarriages. It was about a year ago that we had enough of our local Reproductive Endocrinologist and his advice of just keeping trying, eventually it will work. It was about a year ago that we booked an appointment with an Reproductive Immunologist in the USA.
It was about a year ago that we really started to realized we may never have children the way we innocently assumed we would (i.e. the fertile people way).
It was about a year ago that we reached our breaking point. Something had to change, we couldn’t keep living in a cycle of life and death; highs and lows; excitement and despair.
And so today, as we are actively waiting on an open adoption match, I am amazed to think of how much our lives have changed.
I am amazed to think that we chose adoption. Honestly, part of me is still surprised that we’ve chose adoption and all the potential complications that come along with adoption. If you asked me 2 years ago if we’d adopt, I’d say no way and list off a thousand reasons why adoption isn’t for us (i.e. I cannot imagine involving a birth mom in my life or dealing with the potential adopted child teenage angst, or the unknown potential drug/alcohol exposure, etc.) And yet, here we are excited and hopeful waiting adoptive parents.
Adoption isn’t right for everyone (and I respect that), but I am thankful that it’s right for us.
I am thankful we persevered through the at times grueling and frustrating adoption process and have made this far.
I am thankful that the possibility of a a birth mom choosing us exists because it means eventually we will become parents.
And more then anything, I am thankful that this year instead of waiting for a baby to die, we are waiting to meet our baby who is also waiting for us (without knowing it).
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I’m seriously contemplating doing something just for me.
I’ve thought about it since I was probably 15 or 16. And yet, literally half my life later, I still have not done it.
There’s always been an excuse not to do it. But there I am today, thinking it might just now be time to take the plunge.
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So, what is it that I’m talking about?
I’m considering getting a breast reduction.
I am a pretty typically sized women – not pencil thin or particularly heavy. But, I typically wear about a 32 I or J depending on the bra*.
I spent over $200 per bra in order to get one that keeps them up and keeps me comfortable.
My back has always bothered me and I’ve always had less then ideal posture.
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So why now?
I always said I’d get a reduction once I had children and breastfed. You know, since the real biological point of boobs is breastfeeding, I thought I’d keep mine intact until they served there purpose.
But, now, after over 15 years of putting off the surgery, I think it might just be time. We’ve been through five miscarriages, have chosen to adopt and will formula feed our child, I think it’s time to move on with life. I think it’s time to stop waiting. I think it’s time to do something just for me.
Yet, there are risks to think of:
- First, here is the chance we may have a second child one day. And with that, a very slim chance we might try the old-fashioned way again. And that might mean I would want to try breastfeeding. But you know, the chances are so slim that it’s almost not worth contemplating. And even then, if we ever did end up with a successful pregnancy that child too would be just fine being formula fed.
- Second, I cannot help but wonder, what will Mr. MPB think? He says he’s okay with it, and if I want to do it, go for it. Yet, I believe no matter what people say physical appearances and physical attraction do matter. We’ve been through enough, I’d like to not add an issue like that to our marriage.
- Third, scarring. Let’s just say one should not google breast reduction scaring unless you are prepared to see fresh scaring which is not very attractive and even just scary looking.
- Surgeries are not that much. I’ve had more then enough in the last few years, and the idea of another one makes me cringe.
- Who knows when we will get placed with an adoption. I’d hate to have a surgery and not be able to pick up our baby for multiple weeks as I heal.
As I live in Canada, it’s quite likely that the surgery will be covered by our medical system, or at least mostly covered. But, it will also be a long wait to get in to see a surgeon and then to get in for the actual surgery – I’m guessing at minimum over a year.
All this said, I have decided next time I see my family doctor I am going to ask for a referral to a surgeon. I’ve thought about it long enough, that it’s time to a surgeon and find out about scaring, wait times and medical risks.
Honestly, it feels like it’s time for me to do something just for me. After years of losses, watching my body do the exact opposite of what it should and seconding guessing my body, it might just be an important step towards learning to appreciate my body once again and reclaiming some of my old self.
*things I never thought I’d do – share my bra size with the world.
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My Perfect Breakdown 