It’s Rant Time: Everything I Hate

I don’t often go here, both in my writing and in my day to day life. I try to stay far, far away from these feelings, but I’m jumping in head first for the next few moments.

I never hate, and yet today, I am full of hate for our hurt. I feel frustration. I feel desperate for a solution or even just an answer. I feel so desperate right now.

I am so freaking sick of all the bullshit that anyone facing infertility has to deal with.

I am sick of hearing about bad beta’s. I’m sick of seeing beta updates and knowing exactly what the end result will be. I hate that I now have enough experience that I can predict others miscarriage based purely on blood tests. I hate that any time someone has posted early beta tests, I can predict the outcome and so far I’ve been dead on (sorry about the pun).

I hate that instead of waking up at 3am to the sounds of a crying child, or playing games or changing diapers, or watching Frozen for the 900th time, I have five lost babies.  I have 5 glimmers of life that are now nothing but a memory.

I hate that I am sitting here writing about miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss. I hate that instead I spend time watching my WordPress stats, because I have too much time to care about them.

I hate that this is what I’ve been dealt.

I hate that I know so much about miscarriages, that I could (and quite possibly will) write a novel on it. I hate that I am the first person my friend called when she found out her baby no longer has a heartbeat. While I’m thrilled that she had someone other than Dr. Google to turn to – I never have. I hate that no-one other than a paid counselor and doctors have been there for us. And I hate that I now get to be that person. I hate that I can provide the personal experience of each type of miscarriage possible.

I hate that we are trying again because I hate living in the pregnancy bubble. I hate that I now have to watch my diet (i.e. caffeine, sandwich meat, sushi, alcohol, etc.) just in case. I hate that I’m back to watching my cycle to figure out if I’m pregnant or not. I hate that I now know the acronym TWW, and that I too hate it just as much as every other infertile women. I hate that in the time we’ve been trying we’ve had friends have their first child and there second is on the way.

I hate that I’m not working so that we can try again for a healthy pregnancy. I hate that I am trying to turn writing into a legitimate option because it makes me feel like I’m still doing something. I hate that even with the best medical advice to remove stress, I still want to work. I hate that I feel pulled to be working when I know why I’m not and the goal of a family means more than working. But, still, I’m pulled to work.

I hate that my life plan is shot to shit. I hate that I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring.

I hate then when I hear of another pregnant friend that I cannot just jump for joy and be so excited for them. I hate that I have this dark sense of envy and jealousy.

I hate that we many never have children.  I hate that we are now considering adoption because I hate feeling like we could lose family members at the expense of adopting a child because they wont be able to accept this. I hate that couples are forced to choose childfree lives because that’s the best of the worst options.

I hate that I’ve lost one of my best friends to our struggles. I hate that for whatever reason she decided never to call me again once I told her about our first 3 miscarriages. I hate that she never called.  I hate that people can be that selfish.  I hate that I have no-one outside of my husband and my psychologist who really get it.

I hate that my husband is stuck in this with me.  I hate we cannot make this work.  I hate that he has to suffer through this.  I hate that he has to be the rock.  I hate that he has to deal with my emotional rollercoster.

I hate scheduled procreation sex!  I really hate scheduled sex, maybe more than anything else!

I hate that I cannot call my mom and talk to her. I hate that my sister is gone and I cannot have her shoulder to cry on. I hate feeling lonely, and right now I feel lonely.

But, more than anything, I hate that my personality doesn’t just let me stop and wallow in my self-pity. I hate that because I’m me, I cannot just stop and take it in for what it is. Instead, I also hate that other people are going through this. I hate that anyone has to experience the pain of desperately wanting a child and not getting one. I hate that people lose their children to unexplained miscarriages. I hate that couples are unable to get pregnant. I hate that we live in 1 month intervals at best, but really it’s more like 2 week intervals. I hate that mothers live without their children. I hate that fathers live without their children.

As much as I’m feeling this way, I know I have to do more with this emotion. My desperate desire to help others means that I know that I have to turn my frustration into something more. I need to find a way to make this a worthwhile experience. I know that I need to make a difference for others experiencing RPL and miscarriage. I know my experience can help others, and therefore I must continue to share our story. I must try to make something out of this experience. I know I can. I just have to.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

17 Comments on “It’s Rant Time: Everything I Hate

  1. I hate that you have to hate all of these things. I hate that I hate them all too.
    Thank you for writing this. It is everything I wish I could say, but haven’t said.
    I am so sorry. And, just so you know…you ARE making a difference. You ARE helping. Your posts help me and so many others struggling with these things. Thank you. xoxo

    Like

  2. I hate that I am too numb to even go there. I’m really sorry you’re hurting and feeling so helpless. You are doing something about it… and you are working (on healing, on learning to de-stress, to re-invent, to re-create (and hopefully procreate – pun intended). Hugs, friend.

    Like

    • Thank you. I hate feel in like this, and I’ve done a pretty good job of brining myself out of it today. Here’s to learning to de-stress, re-invent, re-create and procreate. 🙂

      Like

  3. Thank you for speaking for my mind. I, too, pulled out from work for 5 years and worked on the baby thing and only at the end I lost him. I do not know what to do with myself and working on my blog became the only constructive thing I am doing. How does one re-start a life, over and over again, without smell of victory? 😦

    Like

    • I am so afraid that in the end, I will have left my job, put myself years behind in my career, and all for nothing. It’s a gamble I know I need to take, but I am so afraid of having to re-start a lie without the smell of victory. I am afraid I will end up with empty arms and a broken heart. But, now is the time when I have to remind myself that I will cross that bridge when and if.
      I wish I had advice for you on how to do it, bu I really just don’t know. I wish, none of us had to go through this.

      Like

  4. Pingback: Making Lemonade | My Perfect Breakdown

Thoughts? I love hearing from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: