Just How Crazy Am I?

20140523 - Just How Crazy Am IA little while ago was a medical appointment day – I always try to schedule as many appointments for one day to most effectively use my time. (It seems that all my doctors are located on the other side of the city, and I hate driving in traffic, so I try to be efficient).

On this particular day it was a visit with my psychologist and my family doctor. I really wanted to know my mental health medical diagnosis because I had just had a very interesting conversation with my insurance provider where they demanded that I conduct a self-diagnoses to compare with my doctors notes (i.e. we want to trap you in a discrepancy so we can force you back to work and not pay you benefits). I adamantly refused as I am not a trained expert and I don’t truly understand the definition of most of the medical terms – the insurance company did not like this approach and it was most definitely not a welcomed answer. Anyways, the conversation with the insurance lady only got worse from there as she also demanded to know the exact date that the most recent baby miscarried and I proceeded to explain miscarriages to her and that there isn’t always an exact date and this one took 29 days to occur. When she proceeded to tell me that I should have had surgery, I may have actually said, have you ever had a miscarriage to know what you are talking about? I’ve had 4, I can promise you surgery was not a medical option for me in this circumstance. Needless to say, I don’t think I made friends with this lady or with the insurance company.

Anyways, after that wonderful conversation I was directed to get more paper work filled out by my doctor. So, there I was at a couple appointments doing just that. And, if the insurance company need to know my diagnosis, I figured I should know too. So, I asked, just how crazy am I?!

So, I asked the psychologist first. Simply, she stated that I definitely don’t meet the criteria of depressed. But, I do meet the criteria of adjustment disorder with minor burnout. But, in the scheme of mental health, really, I’m doing alright and am not that screwed up. I’ll be unlikely to get long term disability because I’m just not screwed up enough (which if you think about it, is a really good thing). But, she was very quick to add in that this doesn’t mean she wants me going back to work when the short term disability runs out. She definitely wants me to take more time to focus on my recovery and health and not to be part of a very stressful work environment.

The doctor’s diagnosis was simple – adjustment disorder. But, I’m not really that bad, and I’ll be okay.

Anyways, interestingly, I’m not the most screwed up person in the world and I’m not all that crazy. I’m doing alright according to the professionals. I need to focus on my recovery, but really, I’m doing okay.

And, I take that is a good thing. If I can survive 4 miscarriages and be told I am simply having a bit of hard time adjusting to the circumstances, I think that’s fair. I also think minor burnout form my career and employer is also fair – it may even be a bit of an understatement.

But, what I do know, is that while not working right now, I am happier then I have been in the last year. By removing work from the equation, I’ve been able to:

  • Drastically reduce my stress level;
  • Undergo medical testing and procedures without the stress of scheduling them around work commitments;
  • Work on mindfulness (which I still don’t really buy into, but according to my psychologist that’s not the point); and,
  • Focus on living healthy while we try one more time.

This next baby will be conceived in a stress free state, and hopefully, that’s the key to success!

13 Comments on “Just How Crazy Am I?

  1. I’m a new follower, so I’m not totally caught up with your backstory. I will say, I lost 2 pregnancies in a row, and that was enough to break me. So 4? Yeah, you take your time. And tell that insurance woman to shove it. I was actually laid off right after we started fertility treatment, and it was great. It was tough, financially, but I was able to schedule all my tests, monitoring and cycles whenever I needed too, and wasn’t stressed at a job I’d despised. A few months before I got pregnant again (healthy baby boy!) I took a part time job just for some cash but still gave me flexibility to get to the doctor.

    I don’t know your situation, obviously, but if you can afford to quit a job that stresses you out, or maybe look for something that’s part time, I say go for it. I feel like it made a huge difference.


    • Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me!

      Oddly enough, right after posting this, I got a call from my employer, and apparently I am not approved for short term disability, so effective today we will no longer have any income from my employer (so glad I’ve paid into the benefits for the last few years – really worth it). They have given me the weekend to think about what I would like to do next – unpaid leave of absence, fight it with the insurance company or resign. We knew there was a chance that I wouldn’t be approved, but we are still pretty surprised given our doctor and psychologist opinions. Anyways, we had already made the decision that I would not be going back to work for the time being as we firmly believe we need to try again without my very high stress job. So, whatever happens with my employer next week really doesn’t matter that much as our long term family matters more then any job.

      Anyways, thanks again for your comment and support to quit my job – I guess I need that support a little more right now then I thought!


      • For us, the plan was always for me to stay home for a few years once the babies finally came along, so we looked at my unemployment while going through treatment as a trial run. I was also at the point where I dreaded going to that job every day (I was really only working to pay for treatment, and extras like vacations and too much pizza) so it was really a blessing. It still took almost two more years before we were able to carry a pregnancy to term, and I can’t imagine going through all that and working there the whole time. Just quit! Just do it! Kick all that stress to the curb!


      • Thanks so much for the encouragement! I have a meeting with my boss on Monday, so it should be pretty interesting as I think there “support” is starting to wane. The plan is to formally resign on Monday.

        Thanks again!


    • I love my doctor and my psychologist! I think I’d be lost without them!

      Interestingly, just found out my short term disability insurance company doesn’t agree and they have denied my claim! Just another situation where people/companies don’t understand the consequences of miscarriage and infertility.


  2. I can’t believe that insurance agent. I would have lost it on her!!! She actually argued with you because you refused to self diagnose! Seriously?!! WTF? Glad your doctor confirmed your need for the extra time off, but that you also felt okay after your appointment. Glad you’re focusing on taking care of yourself and distressing. And if that B (or any B) at the insurance tries to bully you again, tell them to call your doctor directly for your diagnosis. You should never have to deal with conversations like that! Big hug!


    • Thanks so much for the supportive comment!

      I actually just found out this morning, after this post, that the insurance company does not agree that I should be out of work and they have ended my short term disability leave retroactively to April 30. My employer has decided to pay me until today and not request any funds be returned. I have the option to submit additional medical information and fight the decision, but I’m just not willing to subject myself to additional stress from the insurance company just to get a few more weeks worth of pay. The entire point of this is not to be stressed, which clearly they don’t get.

      So, needless to say, I wont be dealing with that B ever again! And, I’m mostly frustrated right now, because its just one more situation where people don’t understand the effects of recurrent pregnancy loss / miscarriage.


      • Ugh!!! That is such crap! I HATE insurance companies. HATE them! I’m so sorry hon. I’m glad your employer is being helpful at least. It’s so true, so few really understand how emotionally and physically damaging RPL is. It’s just not right. Big hug hon.


      • Yup, definitely not a fan of insurance companies – as far as I’m concerned they exist to make money, not to help people.

        Thanks again for the support!!!


  3. All of this is so hard, but glad you’re seeking help. Not working was honestly the best thing I have done. I can’t believe that they didn’t approve your short-term disability! That’s so nice of your employer though. No one realizes the toll this actually does take.


    • Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I’m discovering a lot of women stop working once they start to experience infertility. It truly affects every element of our lives!


  4. Pingback: Let’s Talk About Mental Heath | My Perfect Breakdown

Thoughts? I love hearing from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: