What a Week It’s Been
It’s been a weird week. A very weird week indeed.
First, from a blogging perspective, I jumped into a few heavy topics with my Tuesday post entitled In Response to Barbara Kay and the National Post – IVF For Obese Women is a Wish, Not a Right and my Wednesday post entitled A Little Bit More on Our Adoption Indecision. Post like these ones require a lot of energy to write. They require effort to think about the right words to ensure I’m conveying my message correctly. They require time to percolate in the back of my mind as I dwell on a particular sentence or two or even entire paragraphs. But, they are also fun to write because I enjoy the process more than writing something easy like My Doggies Tummy (which is fun in its own way, but just not the same).
The one in response to Barbara Kay was interesting for me, because first, I stumbled upon her column and had such a strong reaction to it. A reaction that I doubt I would have had a year ago, or even 2 months ago before I started blogging and reading about the real life IVF struggles many of my fellow bloggers are going through. Secondly, I actually submitted it to the National Post for publication (I have heard no response back from them, so I’m guessing they aren’t interested). I put my writing out there, to be judged and evaluated by a large audience. The surprising part, was that I was actually excited for it. It didn’t happen. But, oh well, I’m not too perturbed, there’s always next time.
The post on adoption was very nerve racking for me to post, not because I’m ashamed of how I feel. I am most definitely not. But, it’s the first time I’ve really articulated these feelings. It’s the first time, these words have been said outside of the safety of my husband and I and my psychologist. We know that if we end up eventually choosing a childfree life, we will face this judgement for this decision. But, I know, as Justine Froelker said in her post entitled Taking Off the Armor of My “Choice”, “…the only thing scarier than publicly owning all of this as my truth? Would be not owning it.” And I refuse to live a life ashamed of our decisions, particularly when I will not be even the slightest bit ashamed. I figure if we are not okay with the decision then it’s probably the wrong decision in the first place. I know whatever decision we eventually make, to adopt or not to adopt, we will accept this decision as ours and we will own it!
Second, from a personal perspective, we found this week somewhat unexpectedly that our doctors have decided to run some more tests on me next week. I guess we are just that much of an anomaly that they want to do a few more tests then they typically do for RPL patients. They have also indicated that they expect the tests to come back normal, but they just want to be sure. I’m not very excited and I’m pretty pissed off because months ago they decided not to do this test, and I pushed for it. Now after a 4th miscarriage, they’ve changed their mind and are going to do it, just in case. More then anything, I don’t want them to find something because I know I’ll be so upset that we lost the fourth baby when it could possibly have been prevented if they had done the testing earlier. This is actually our first time feeling any sort of frustration with our fertility clinic – they have just been so amazing to us. And, I know, it’s better to have the tests then to not, and because we are advocating for our situation they are doing these extra tests. So, really, I shouldn’t be frustrated with them, I should be thankful they are taking the time to thoroughly investigate our situation. Honestly, I’m just sick of going through painful tests just to be told that we are perfectly healthy.
Third, my husband and I argued. We rarely argue. We are almost always on the same page. Even though I’m trained in conflict resolution and I’m paid to engage in very difficult conversations and negotiate agreements in very tense situation on a regular basis, I find disagreeing with people very upsetting (people I work with are always surprised to find out that I hate this part of my career, because apparently I am just that good at it). Anyways, I hate doing it, and I hate it even more when it’s with someone I love, especially my husband. And I hate it even more when I don’t think we are on the same page yet, and I’m not sure when we will be because it’s not an urgent situation require us to agree right now. (A quick side note – our argument had nothing to do with RPL and kids, but now’s not the time to dive into that).
Fourth, I’ve done almost nothing all week. I have not been cooking. I have not been walking the dog much (it’s been snowing and raining all week – not fun to walk in). I have not been biking (again, that damn snow and rain is ruining all my fun). I have not been very social (although, once I noticed this on Wednesday I arranged lunches with friends for Thursday and Friday). I have not been reading much. I have not been eating much (this is usually a clear sign of stress for me, but I don’t feel stressed. I honestly just don’t feel hungry). I just have not been me. And it’s very weird, because I don’t feel stressed, anxious, or upset. But, I definitely have been off kilter this week. Some might say out of sorts.
So, maybe my week hasn’t actually been weird, it’s just been different? Maybe, this is just part of the process of finding my new way, and settling into a new routine now that I’m not working 80 hours a week?
Maybe. Or maybe not.
It will be interesting to see what next week brings.