A Question I’ll Never Again Ask
When are you planning on having kids? / Are you planning to have kids? / Do you want kids?
In my life before experiencing miscarriage / recurrent pregnancy loss, I’ve been guilty of asking this question, or at least one of the million versions of the question. I didn’t ask it often, because I knew it was kinda taboo, but now I really get it. I can now confidently say that I’ll never ask it again. Why you ask?
It’s asked innocently enough, but it hurts. It’s a reminder when I’m not expecting it, which makes it just a little worse. It’s like a tiny scratch on an open wound which means it just adds to the silent pain I’m already experiencing. After the question is asked, the rest of the conversation goes something like this: the gears start turning and a million thoughts run through my mind all at once – will we ever actually have a living child, do I want to tell this person the truth, I don’t have the energy for this right now, etc. So, after a weird silence (to accommodate all the gears turning in my brain), I end up stumbling through a response that goes something like “umm…maybe one day.” All the while, I’ve started awkwardly fumbling around in my purse looking for “something” just to avoid eye contact and then as quickly as humanly possible I start trying to change the subject. (Clearly, as I exhibit all these classic signs of lying, it’s clear that I am not a good liar and am positive that I would fail any polygraph test on any topic I’ve ever tried to lie about).
Actually, a quick side note this just reminded me of a few years ago when my husband’s mom was drilling him on our family plan. He gave the best response I’ve ever heard – “you taught me practice makes perfect, so we are just practicing, a lot”. Needless to say, my mother-in-law was stunned as this was clearly a bit too much information for her. Thankfully this seems to have scared her straight, and she has never brought up the subject again.
My only advice, if you are going to venture into this territory, be prepared, you may hit a nerve and get an answer you weren’t expecting.
My Perfect Breakdown 
Okay, put yourself on the other side and apart from not asking the question at all as you know that it WILL be asked many times, to you and many others, what would you LIKE people to ask? Or how would you like this subject to be broached?
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You pose an interesting and fair question. I guess, I’d ask you first, why are you asking the question? Is it going to help that person somehow, or are you simply satisfying your own curiosity? From my experience, having asked the question innocently enough before, its always been out of curiosity. But, with my more recent experience, I’d suggest that this isn’t a good enough reason. If the person wants to talk about it with you, they will when the time is right for them. For me, I appreciate the space and time to bring up the topic on my own, in my own way.
I think it also depends on the age of the person you are asking. Asking someone that is 21 is different than asking someone that’s 31 or 41, as there is likely a lot more going on behind the scenes the older the person is. Chances are, they have either made the decision not to have children or they are experiencing some sort of difficulty and they don’t know what their future will look like.
Another important thing to consider, is when and where are you are asking the question. In a private conversation or at a social event with tonnes of people around? For us, we wouldn’t give an honest answer in a room full of people, because its not something we want to discuss with the world.
But, most importantly, I think it also depends on your friendship. And only you can make the judgement on if you are comfortable enough with the person to ask that question and be supportive regardless of the answer.
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To be honest I personally have never asked that question. If I WERE to ask it would be part of a number of questions that one asks as part of a friendly conversation like ‘how are the family?’ ‘how is work going?’ I think maybe that’s how quite a few would throw it out there not thinking much about any negative consequence. I don’t think anyone asks those kind of questions for the purpose of helping anyone – it’s just friendly banter. And you are right I would only ask a good friend or family member who were maybe just married or bought a house together as opposed to an older couple.
I think it would be a shame if people had to keep censoring themselves to every possible subject that might hurt someone, because it does not allow for further understanding and conversation. The person who the question is aimed at is not obliged to give one. In saying that I’m just trying to think of a subject that would be difficult for me and how I would like people to handle it…although I’m blanking at the moment!
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