Yesterday was a very ironic day. All we want is to be parents to a healthy and happy child. Yesterday, I found myself at my clinic hoping that they would confirm that miscarriage 4 is “complete”. The irony of hoping and dreaming of a healthy child, changes in the blink of an eye to my thoughts being captivated with hope for this miscarriage to done and over. How did I go from dreaming of child, to yet again hoping for the hell of another miscarriage to be done?

After finding out that our baby lost its heart beat 2 weeks ago, and then waiting nearly another week for confirmation of the fetal demise (medical term for dead), we went through a long and drawn out medically induced miscarriage just over a week ago. Yesterday I had a follow up exam, and the best case scenario was that the doctors would confirm that it was a complete miscarriage. Unfortunately, I cannot even seem to miscarry correctly, and it cannot be declare a complete miscarriage at this time. Instead, they removed more remaining material from my uterus through a rather painful procedure. And now we wait to see what happens next. Hopefully my body continues to expel the remaining material on its own, as the doctors animatedly do not want me to have another D&C surgery (I am now considered high risk for complications because I’ve had two D&C surgeries for past miscarriages). But only time will tell, and if an infection develops surgery may be the only option regardless of the risks.

So, we wait, and we hope that this passes quickly and without more physical pain. And at the same time we start looking to the future and the next pregnancy and we start to open our hearts up to hope…

I’ve mentioned in a previous post that my counsellor has encouraged me to quit my high stress job, which often requires me to work a tonne of hours without compensation.  Before I dive too deeply into this post, I should mention that I live in one of the most economically prosperous cities in the world and I am in a pretty high demand profession and we are pretty frugal, so the financial consequences short term shouldn’t be too drastic.    Presumably this means that the idea of quitting my job, likely isn’t the same decision facing someone living in another city where the unemployment rate is high.

My counsellor has been encouraging me to quit for at least a year now.  Not only is my job high stress, but I am treated rather poorly by my current employer – to the extent that one of my close friends compares the psychology of my work situation to that of a verbal abuse victim, in that I always go back just to take more of the same BS.

With pregnancy number 3 and 4 I actually reduced my work hours to 4 days a week and with pregnancy number 4 I also refused to do any travel.  My husband fully supported these changes, and they were very hard for me to make as I had to admit I couldn’t do everything.  But they were done in an attempt to reduce the stress and help the baby survive (although according to the specialists there is little scientific evidence which says stress will cause a miscarriage, but it was important to us to do everything possible to give each of our babies a chance at living).   I am currently on medical leave as we wait to make sure miscarriage number 4 is complete, and my counsellor desperately wants me to take some time to “recover” and not return to work.

One of the most important questions that she asked me last week was, why won’t you just quit?  My knee jerk response was I feel guilty, but that’s just not it.  This question has been burned into my brain, and I have literally had it dancing through my mind like an unhealthy obsession for the last 4 days.  Is my struggle because:

  • I’m scared of the unknown?  Absolutely.
  • I’ve never taken more than a vacation break in my entire life?  Absolutely.
  • I’ve never quit something in my life?  Absolutely.
  • I feel guilty about not ‘pulling my weight’ and contributing financially in my marriage?  Absolutely.
  • I have this idea of being a stay at home mom for a few years with young children, not a stay at home…dog walker or tv watcher?  Absolutely.
  • I like our current lifestyle, which requires two wages?  Absolutely.
  • My husband is worried about our finances if I quit?  Absolutely.
  • I’ve worked so hard to become the professional I am, that I’m afraid industry will look at me differently in the future?  Absolutely.
  • I’ll be admitting that I cannot do everything on my own?  Absolutely.

Knowing that I despise my job and that medically both my psychologist and my family physician want me to take time away from work, it does seem like a good idea.  This is actually the first time in my life I have blatantly ignored medical advice.  So, at the end of the day, why haven’t I just quit?  I think it’s a little bit of all of the above.  But, one of the most important reason is that it will increase my husband’s stress level as he’s the one that worries about the $$.  We’ve been through enough, he doesn’t need even more stress in his life.  And probably more important still, I think it’s also my fear that by quitting I’m going to let him down.  I feel responsible for the miscarriages (even though logically I know that by all medical and scientific analysis, it is not my fault, nor is it his – we are experiencing truly unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss and no cause can be found).  But, this rational science doesn’t seem to matter to me because, as the women, I am responsible for carrying the baby and I have failed at this and my failure has resulted in the death of our child, not once but four times.  I am afraid of letting him down even more then I already have.

But, can I really just say that my fears are based on his reaction?  No, this wouldn’t be fair to him, nor would it be accurate.  I am petrified of what this will do for my future career.  If we don’t end up not being able to have kids after this is all said and done or even just in a few months when I’m bored, I will definitely want to go back to working.  But, by leaving work for what I think many people will feel is a bad reason, how will I answer the question of why aren’t you working right now and will it make it harder to get another job when the time comes?  And because everyone is going to ask the question about why I’m not working, I will have to admit this not only to my employer, but to my professional colleagues in industry and likely to our family and friends that we have chosen not to tell.  And, what do I say in interviews about a gap in my resume – I had 4 miscarriages, cracked up and bit and couldn’t handle it?  That just sucks to admit and kinda makes me sound pathetic!  Which hits on the main reason why I’m so scared to take this step – I’m paralyzed by the fear that by not working, I am admitting that I cannot do it all and that I have failed or am failing.  I can honestly say I have never failed at anything in my life up until we’ve experienced recurrent pregnancy loss (with the exception of one pop quiz in grade 5 that I got 20% on because I didn’t pay attention to the movie – and I’m not entirely convinced that a pop quiz in grade 5 counts as a life failure).  Sure, I haven’t been good at everything I’ve ever tried (for example, I suck at many things including pottery, sewing, house cleaning, etc.), but I haven’t out right failed. By quitting my job, I’m failing on yet another level.

These fears are not easy to manage and will be difficult to overcome if I actually leave my job.

So, what will we choose to do about my job?  I’ll talk about that in another post, once we figure it out.

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