A long time ago, over 18 years ago, an elderly gentleman missed a stop sign.
His truck was travelling at about 110 km/hr (65mph).
My family, in a much smaller car, was also travelling at the same right of speed. My family did not have a stop sign.
In an instant, one innocent mistake resulted in a t-bone collision.
The truck hit my mom and sister directly. My mom died instantly, my sister died on the way to the hospital.
My Dad survived bruised and broken with visible scars to this day.
My brother survived, with a less then ideal prognosis. He made a full recovery but still carries visible scars.
I was not in the car. I had no physical healing and to this day I have no visible scars.
Innocent lives were lost and a family, my family, fell apart.
All individuals of the truck had injuries but all survived.
.
I’ve been asked many times in my life, do you forgive him? Most recently by my counsellor. (As I said yesterday, that last appointment was pretty epic).
The short answer:
Yes. I do forgive him.
The long answer:
I realized within days of The Accident that having a heart full of hate and anger was not a life I was willing to lead. In my heart, I forgive him within days/weeks. I always understood The Accident to be the result of an innocent mistake, not an act of malice or viciousness and because of that I could forgive him. I deserve better then that and so did he. People make mistakes, it’s part of life and death sometimes too.
In part I was able to forgive him because holding onto anger was not the life my mom or my sister would have wanted for me. I was brought up understanding compassion and love, and forgiveness. Somehow in those very first days After The Accident, I knew if I had any chance of surviving and learning to live in my new reality, I had to let go of the hateful and angry emotions. And to do so, the only way I could was to forgive him. I didn’t have to wish him well, in fact I didn’t/don’t often even think of him with specific emotion. But, I knew in my heart I had to forgive him. And so I did.
Also, alcohol was not involved. I’m sure I’d feel very different if The Accident was the result of alcohol because alcohol based car accidents are just so simple to responsibly prevent.
Instead, he made a mistake. He never intended for The Accident to happen. For whatever reason he took his eyes of the road and he missed a stop sign and at that very moment he hit my family. But, I don’t believe for a second he intended to do it. In a second his mistake destroyed my families life, ended my childhood and literally ended my mom and sister’s lives, but it also ruined his. He had to live with that guilt, because no-matter how you look at it, he was driving and didn’t stop when he was supposed to and people died as a result, including a young teenager. And even more, he left a family broken and children motherless.
I never met the driver of the truck. I don’t even know his name and have no picture of his face in my mind. I have no idea what I’d say to him if we ever did meet. I wouldn’t downplay the hurt, the loss, the life-long grieving. But, I know I don’t hate him. I know that I wouldn’t have wanted him to suffer and be haunted for his mistake. But I also realize for the majority of people that’s not the type of mistake you just forget about and I wouldn’t have wanted him to forget either. Had we met when I was a teenager, I don’t know if I would have ever had the courage to tell him to his face that I forgive him. But if I met him today, I believe would. I know it wouldn’t fix him, and it would fix my reality, but it would probably help both of us continue to heal.
But the reality is that I will never meet him. Not as a direct result of injuries from The Accident, he died a few years later while I was still in high school. I remember my Dad in passing mentioning to me that he died. I distinctly remember feeling almost emotionless, I wasn’t sad nor was I somehow relieved or satisfied in anyway. More then anything I remember noticing how strange it was that I didn’t feel anything. It was almost like I was empty. I was told once he was never able to live again after the accident, and somehow that impacted me. He truly didn’t mean to do it and he probably tortured himself emotionally over it. I have my own guilt about not being in the car with my family, but I could not imagine living with the guilt that I imagine he did and nor would I want to.
Yes, sometimes I’m upset that he made that mistake and if I visit their graves I am always angry. But I’m upset at the consequences. I am not angry with him. And for me, that’s a big distinction.
And so today, just as I decided years ago, I know in my heart that I forgive him.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
One day my life changed.
That day will forever be know as The Accident or The Car Accident. Living members of my family, myself included, uses both terms interchangeably. But it is always one of those two terms. Always.
There are three time frames in my life:
Before The Accident.
The Accident.
After The Accident.
No matter how you look at it, much of my life has been defined by The Accident.
On the surface it seems like grieving their sudden and unexpected death of my mom and sister via a tragedy as a teenager would shape my entire life in countless yet obvious ways life. But, I recently discovered that this event, has shaped my After The Accident life more then I had ever realized. A rather odd observation at this point in my life. How is this even possible?
.
Me: I screwed up at work work. I replay it in my mind a thousand times over. It keeps me awake at night and I think about it during the day. And yet, rationally, I know it is 150% not a big deal, but I cannot let it go. So, why can I not just let it go? Why can’t I let anything go? Like really let it go, for more then a day or a week or a month? We keep having this same conversation every few months for a few years now. I’m frustrated to say the least.
Counsellor: Talk to yourself. Remind yourself to leave it. Do it over and over again until your finally listen to youtself.
Me: Ya, I do that. But then it just comes back. Seriously, I do it all the time! Do I need to play the Disney movie over a thousand times until that’s all I can think of? How do I do it? How do I really do it?
Counsellor: So, what if I accidentally spilled my coffee on you? Would you replay that?
Me: No, probably not. I’d be burnt, but I’d recover. It was just an accident and that’s okay. I’d be okay with it.
Counsellor: What if you accidentally spilled your coffee on me?
Me: That would not be okay. I’d probably replay it constantly trying to figure out how I could have prevented it and how I could make sure never to do it again. It’s one thing for you to make a mistake, but I simply cannot.
Counsellor: Have you always been like this?
Me: No, I don’t think so. I don’t really remember too much about my early childhood. I remember generally being happy and a few specific incidents, but not too much. My life memories really start at the time of The Accident. And ever since The Accident, yes I think I have been like this. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s my family, friends, work, or anything, I hold on to it. I think a lot of me changed when The Accident happened.
Counsellor: What that word you just said?
Me: Accident?
Counsellor: At the age of 14 you learned the consequence of an accident is death. As you know it, accidents are deadly and destroy lives. Therefore, having an accident or making a mistake is deadly. And every time you refer to that event you use the same language, and you remind yourself the deadly consequences of an accident. It doesn’t take a brain scientist to realize the way you’ve interpreted this.
Me: Well, evidently it does take a brain scientist, not once did I put this together…
Counsellor: So, for all these years you’ve put it in your mind that you cannot make a mistake or have an accident because it means someone will die. From now on, when you make a mistake I want to you ask yourself two thing:
- Is someone going to die because of this?
- Can I forgive myself?
Given your line of work it’s almost impossible that you will make a mistake that will cost someone their life. And you need to learn to be gentle with yourself.
Me: Be gentle with yourself, now you sound like a doctor after a miscarriage!
(The conversation continued on of course, and this is just a paragraphing of it, but I suspect most readers get the point).
.
So, my desire to lead a perfect life, might just be rooted a lot deeper then my perfectionist tendencies. In fact, I may now know the exact cause of my insane and deeply seeded fear of failing or even just screwing up.
I guess when you learn at 14 years old that accidents and mistakes kill and destroy lives, that lesson sticks.
But yet, a few days after the conversation I’m sitting here wondering, how do I do this? How do I unwire/rewire my brain after this many years? I’m back to that question of how do I actually do this.
Knowing the cause, doesn’t mean I can fix it. But, I guess it wont hurt to try, right?
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 