An Observation

An interesting observation has been made in the MPB household in the last few weeks.

We have been part of the real life infertility journey for a few years now, and part of the infertility online community for months now. In the real world we have found that people are often unable and/or unwilling to support us in a meaningful way. I firmly believe that the hurtful comments are not said with an intent to hurt, rather people just have no idea how to respond appropriately to the news that we have had a miscarriage, and another one, and then yet another one. People have no idea how to respond to the news that we have had an abortion because that was the best “solution” that our medical system offered us when my life was at risk. Really, people just don’t like to talk about dead babies and crushed dreams. We have found that people are scared, and most seem genuinely afraid of recurrent pregnancy loss and all the accompanying emotional baggage. People don’t know what to say, and often even if they are trying to say something supportive, they end up putting their foot in the their mouth. Heck, months ago, one of my first posts was on the least supportive things people have said to us.

Yet, the online infertility community through the blogging world and twitter has been completely different. In the online community we have received absolutely nothing but support as we have been navigating the world of recurrent pregnancy loss. As we’ve worked through the highs and lows and chosen our next steps in life, the online community is continually supporting the decisions we (and others) make as individual choices that are unique to each couple. I have made friends who will undoubtedly be part of my life well beyond our shared current challenges. I have met a few in real life, I have received special tokens of love, friendship and encouragement, and I have received an unbelievable amount of love and support through comments and emails, and I also know that I have received many unspoken well wishes. The love, encouragement and support has been a beacon of light as we’ve navigated the waters.

And now that we are entering the world of adoption, we have observed that an interesting twist is occurring.

Amazingly, our real life friends and family are being overly supportive and loving of our choice to adopt. We are continually receiving exciting and hopeful comments from our friends and family. Some are asking questions about the adoption process (i.e. how long until we will have our child, how much will it cost, how complicated is the process, etc.), and the few adoption related inappropriate comments we have received have simply been due to a lack adoption education. While confused at times, on the whole we are finding the real life adoption community to be overly supportive and loving.

As for the actual real life adoption community, those who have actually adopted or who are adoptive children themselves, have shown us an unbelievable amount of encouragement and support. We have met with a 2 real life families who were complete strangers (posts on those experiences are here and here) to learn from there adoption experiences and both families we met with have been amazing in opening their homes, experiences and hearts to us. Those that we have met who have adopted, have been very forthright in sharing, and in encouraging us to make the decisions that are right for us while knowing what we can and cannot handle whether it be in relation to amount of drug use, race of the children and openness of the relationship with the birth parents. There seems to be a really strong belief that there are no wrong answers for our family, we simply need to understand the short and long term implications of each one of our decisions.

And at the exact same time, much to our surprise, the online adoption world is not being as friendly as we’ve become accustom to with the infertility community. First, let me be clear, many in the online adoption community have been very supportive and wonderful. I have received many comments and emails of support which have moved and touched Mr. MPB and myself each and every time. And, I am also not saying I am perfect, I may get things wrong from time to time and I absolutely appreciate respectful dialog.

Yet, for the first time, I am also finding that I am now receiving more negative and overly judgmental comments regarding our family adoption decisions, all of which have been the result of months of research and personal reflection.  While some comments have been shared in a constructive voice, others have not.

In the last few weeks, we have begun facing:

Judgement for not being open enough with an open adoption

Judgement for being too open with an open adoption.

Judgement for choosing the USA and not a third world nation.

Judgement for not adopting locally.

Judgement for not fostering.

Judgement for not trying more things (i.e. surrogacy, medications, etc.) to have a biological child.

Judgement for turning to adoption as a result of infertility and not out of the desire to save a child.

Judgement for not wanting to take on fetal alcohol syndrome.

Judgement for selecting races that we are open to (selecting is an adoption requirement not a task driven by personal choice).

Judgement for apparently condoning modern day slavery (as a side note, in no-way-shape-or-form do we condone any sort of slavery and nor do we believe that adoption is slavery – and yes, I am saying we, as in this circumstance I feel very strongly that I can speak on behalf of Mr. MPB).

I am not blind, and I am not going to pretend that adoption is a perfect system. Like all systems – political, electrical, education, medical, etc. – adoption is not a perfect system. There are faults with the system, and it does not work perfectly. There is clearly room for improvement.  Yet, I believe the adoption system is substantially better today than it was in the past. I have a lot of respect for the Hague Convention and I fully believe that anyone adopting (either as an adoptive parent or a birth parent) needs to be working with a Hague accredited country and agency to help reduce the adoption nightmares that unfortunately can occur.

In so many ways, the online adoption world has been mean, maybe even cruel and at times even perplexing in the last few weeks. And, some of the comments I have received have actually fuelled some really interesting conversations between Mr. MPB and I, often about the state of our world.

.

But, these aren’t the comments that stick with us. What sticks, are the comments of love, support and encouragement. The comments and emails where people share their experiences (good and bad), share their words of encouragement and share different ideas. Mr. MPB and I have learned so much from so many of you, and are so thankful for your willingness to help show us the way. And, we are blessed with your love, support and encouragement to help us continue down the challenging adoption road. We are thankful each and every day for the positivity and the love.

And, in spite of the negative comments and judgements, I will continue to share, as I firmly believe and hope that by sharing my experiences, I may just help someone else through their own struggles. Since day one, this has been the intent of My Perfect Breakdown – and so long as I am the author this intent will never change.

And so, today, I want to say thank you to everyone in our real lives and in the online world who have shared positive thoughts, words of encouragement, love, and support with us. We are truly thankful and are so fortunate to have you in our lives!

To the less then positive people, no thank you. I would like to decline your negative, unsupportive and even hateful words. They have no place on my blog, in my heart or in our world.

If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

58 Comments on “An Observation

  1. this is probably going to get me some flaming: I have had some similar experiences with the online hate. I have found that it’s coming from the online infertility community – not my online adoption community. I think a lot of it comes from a place of jealousy that i am now in a place where I am happy and “expecting” a child/children while a lot of people are still struggling. It’s hard. Adoption isn’t all sunshine and roses, it’s just a different type of battle.

    As the process moves forward I have been considering closing my current blog and starting a new blog focused on foster/adoption, giving those that want to continue to follow me the opportunity to do so.

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    • First, let me say I love your comment, as I always do.
      Second, I am so sorry you too have faced online hate – it is just mind blowing that people are so cruel! I am even more sorry that it has come from the infertility community, from people who presumably supported you and loved you when times were more tough. I do not understand how people can switch like that. Maybe it’ something like the old saying of misery loves company? Regardless, it’s completely unacceptable.
      As for changing your blog, if it feels right, then I can appreciate why you would do it. For now, I’ve decided that if people don’t like me, then they can simply stop following, or if they are problematic then I can just blacklist there IP and email address so I wont get there comments anymore. But, if you do switch your blog, please let me know because I feel such a kindred spirit with you and I absolutely want to continue to follow!!
      Sending so lots of love!

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  2. This is kind of sad, though I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised, but I am. I try to believe the best in everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and so often in life that brings me disappointment…but whatever, I will still continue to live this way. It doesn’t make sense to me when people are so mean to each other, especially for something that has NOTHING to do with them! People should see that you’ve struggled so long and are now in a position to have to look at other options, and that you are just trying to do what is best for you guys. It’s sad that people are so judgmental about YOUR choices…again, you have to do what’s best for YOU, and if given a choice it’s not wrong to choose what works best in your life. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this now, but at least you can look past them and just focus on the positive. I’m glad so many people in your real life are being so supportive too 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for such a lovely comment, and as always for your support and love!
      Your comment that “I try to believe the best in everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and so often in life that brings me disappointment…but whatever, I will still continue to live this way.” just rang so true to me, and I know this is why I’m disappointed by the comments. But, like you, I will continue to hold true to my believe that the there is good in everyone! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have to tell you, as I started to read your post my heart stopped, because I was afraid you were going to say that you were ending your blog, and I got so nervous about not having you around! Lol is that dumb!?!? I think it’s good that we try to believe the best of people…I feel like if there were more people like us in the world, maybe there would be a little more good in the world too. 🙂

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  3. I think it’s because most lay people (like family and friends) don’t really know much about adoption beyond “yay, finally a baby for you!” and “oh how nice that an orphan gets a loving family!.” Adoptive parents are almost always going to have positive things to say– adoption is how they got their longed for and desperately wanted family.

    But those who have been involved in adoption know it is far more complex, and at times morally and ethically fraught, than that. You may be fine with not having a bio connection to an adopted child; but will that child be? You may be fine with paying for a child; will your adopted child feel the same? Most adoptees find the fact of their adoption to be a great source of loss. Their voices should matter, too; arguably, their voices should matter most of all.

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    • Thank you for sharing your perspective Evie – please know that my post was in no way directed at you, I do feel that you comments have been made respectfully (hence why I approve them and engage in conversations with you). I hope you feel the same about me.
      Of course, I do have a few thoughts in response (as usual). First, I do not believe for a second that we are paying for a child. We are paying for a process to bring the child into our lives, the process just happens to involve a lot of lawyers, social workers, etc. who all require payment for their efforts. In my mind, this is not a transaction like one that occurs at a grocery story. And, as we raise our child, we will work with them to understand this. Second, I feel the need to reiterate again that at no time have I said that we do not want a biological connection with the birth parents (and family), just that we do not want daily/weekly interactions which is the typical if we were to adopt locally. We are choosing to do an open adoption for this reason, and we absolutely understand the importance of this for our child’s long term health. We know our comfort level and we will do what we can handle and we will spend our lives working with our child to support them in whatever way they need as they grow up. As I’ve said before, just because we feel one way today, does not mean we will feel that way in the future, and we will do whatever our child needs so long as it is healthy for all parties involved.

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      • I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear: I in no way believe that you are purchasing a child, nor that my daughter’s parents purchased her. (I do find the prices for the “services” of adoption, particularly in regard to white infants, to be kind of egregious; but that’s a systemic problem and not something you can do very much about.) BUT, just because you (adoptive parent), or I (birth parent) do not see it that way, an adopted child MAY feel that way. Here’s a link to the blog of a now adult adoptee, who grew up to be a very successful woman who feels mostly positive overall about her adoption (she doesn’t, for instance, share feelings of the adoptees who believe in a primal wound), but she did write about how she and her twin sister often thought about how much money their parents spent to “buy” them. When she revealed this to her mom many years later, her mom was absolutely horrified. But it’s an important reminder that as clear as something may seem to us from this side of the triad, an adopted child may feel something completely differently. And that’s important to consider as well. Here’s the link: http://twinprints.wordpress.com/2014/08/08/transactions/

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      • Thank so much for the blog link – I am always looking for new good reads!
        Interestingly, at our mandatory adoption seminar this came up as its is pretty common for adoptees to question what they “cost.”

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  4. I’m obviously (somewhat) naive to the adoption world but I’m really surprised that you’re getting negativity from the IF group regarding your choices. It’s really dumbfounding. You need to do what’s right for you and your family; morally, ethically, monetarily, spiritually, etc. Those are all your choices and it’s asinine to me that anyone would challenge you on your choices especially at this point.
    I’ve never understood how a woman could not provide empathy towards another woman going through IF. It boggled my mind the general inability of most females in every day life/friends were simply unable to place themselves in my shoes. I still don’t understand this. Context is hard for people and the more I think about it, when something isn’t tangible, when it can’t be touched or immediately felt, some people have a very hard time relating. So who knows why you’re not getting the expected reception from some of the IF crowd but frankly, it doesn’t matter. You and your hubby are venturing into an amazing journey and I send you nothing but warmth and support; you’ve got my vote 🙂

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    • Oh, I’ve just read your comment and a few others and clearly I’ve worded something wrong in my post (I will go back and try to fix this) – the push back we are getting about our choice to adopt has been from the adoption community, not the IF community. The IF community has been and so far is continuing to be nothing but supportive.
      And thank you, thank you so much for your love and support! You are absolutely one of the amazingly supportive people that we are grateful for. 🙂

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  5. This made my blood boil that you two are being judged for such an amazing decision. Seriously though, the IF Community should be a source of encouragement and support. I am floored that it’s not. You have my support, love, and encouragement. It will never change, that I can promise you.

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    • Thank you so much for your continued support! I am so incredibly grateful for you!!
      My initial post wasn’t very clear (I think I’ve fixed up the language a bit), it’s the adoption community, not the IF community that is judging us negatively.

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  6. Wow, consider my mind blown. I’m surprised that there’re so many haters afoot. I just don’t understand how people can judge like that. If they don’t like what you’re doing, then they can choose not to read your blog — there is no reason at all for anyone to write something hateful! Ugh. I’m so glad you’re choosing to share despite all of this! I really do think your blog will help others (and already is).

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    • I feel the exact same way – if you don’t like what we are doing, then don’t read it! No-one is making you. And, I also firmly believe that there is a difference between respectful disagreement and hatred.
      And thank you. Thank you for your love, your support and your encouragement! I do plan to continue to share, and hope that I can make a positive difference in the world. 🙂

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  7. Often I read online comments and think “wow, there are a lot of damaged, miserable people out there” and close my browser. I wish people would apply the filter of “would I say this to the persons face?” and if not, don’t post it. This isn’t to say people shouldn’t have strong opinions but I don;t know why people feel the need to be mean or aggressive.

    I just read your post about the medical termination you went through. I truly do not understand this gap in the medical system. My friend is currently 12w5d with a baby that has trisomy 18. She also has to go to an abortion clinic. In addition, the shame she feels and the fear f judgement is causing her to isolate. It’s truly terrible that termination for medical reasons is mixed in with elective abortion. It seems so obvious they are different situations that deserve different medical approaches. To be clear: I am pro choice so I am in no way implying that one is cause for shame and the other isn’t. My point is that there should be more targeted support for each situation.

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    • Thank you for sharing Elizabeth. You are right, it just isn’t necessary to be mean or aggressive.
      And, thank you for your thoughts on our medical termination. I am sorry that your friend is facing the same decision and predicament. This gap in our medical system is heartbreaking for anyone facing this type of a situation. I will never forget sitting in that waiting room, looking at people who were choosing to be there when all I wanted was a healthy baby like they had. I can honestly say that day was the worst day of my life. If your friend ever needs someone to talk to, please feel free to give her my email address. It’s a unique type of hurt that not many can understand.

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  8. I am inspired by your bravery. Only you and your husband know what is best for your family. It is your blog, your life, and you are in charge!

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  9. I am completely shocked and appalled by the nerve of some people! It must be nice to live such an apparently perfect life that people think they can offer up “advice” and opinions to others who they don’t even know. It’s such a cowardly thing do to especially since they offer no information about themselves or their own vulnerabilities.

    Don’t pay it any attention hon. Every decision you have made and are making are the right decisions for you and your husband and you have not made any of them lightly. Hugs hon.

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    • Thank you so much for your hugs and support!
      You are right, every single decision Mr. MPB and I make is made with intense research and soul searching. Nothing has been made lightly, and we have weighed the pros and cons of every single little decision to the point of nausea at times due to our obsession with over analyzing everything. But, at least when we make a decision we know we’ve made the right one for us. And if people don’t like that, particularly if they are aggressive and rude about it, it’s really not our problem.

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  10. That is ridiculous that anyone would feel they had a right to pass judgement on any of those issues. Frankly, those are just things I would have never even thought of much less judged someone for them. Ridiculous. You deserve the freedom to adopt from wherever you want, whatever race you are comfortable adopting in, whatever health conditions you are willing to take on…. it’s your choice. ALL of the children being adopted need a safe, happy home regardless of where they come from or what age they are or what have you. And the fact that you are choosing to adopt after experiencing infertility doesn’t mean you are thinking of an adopted child as second best. That’s just absurd. I’m sorry people have been this way. They have no right and they need to think before they speak.

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    • Thank you so much for this comment! I am so touched by your support and your love. And, I think one thing we have learned about adoption is that there is such a need to do what you as the adoptive parents know you can do. If we decided to adopt a child with FAS because we just want a child quickly, I know it would end bad for us. We aren’t meant for that type of child and so we should not pretend we are, which is clearly why adoption agencies make you think through all of this and encourage you to make the right decision for you.
      Thank you again!

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  11. The internet is so full of “I’m right and you’re wrong.” I think the thing is that all of these issues we’re dealing with are so immensely personal and when we (the collective we) read something that contrasts our own (also immensely personal) experience, the knee-jerk reaction can be severe. We are all so invested in our own experiences, thoughts and feelings, that it can be hard to turn it off and remember that it takes all kinds. Granted, most of us can exercise self-control before typing out something rude and sending it into cyber space–and thank goodness for that because this community wouldn’t be what it is otherwise. Adoption is such a different journey compared to the usual infertility stuff. It seems to me that there is so much more grey area in adoption than there is in infertility treatment, and that just opens you up (unfortunately) to more judgement (from more people). I, for one, am SO happy to see the two of you taking this path, regardless of what shape the path takes. I find it all fascinating, and I am of the opinion that as long as you go through proper channels, there is no wrong way to adopt a child as long as it feels right for you.

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    • I love your perspective in this, and thank you so much for sharing it with me. I think you spoke so eloquently here, thank you.
      And, thank you for your support for our decision to pursue adoption. It is going to be a long road, and we are so thankful for your love and support. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. OH. MY. GOD. What is wrong with people?! It is none of their damn business when, why, or how you choose to adopt. Or… I dunno… DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. (Yes, I’m yelling.)

    I think it is interesting that you’ve seen a flip about how people IRL are responding to adoption rather than infertility. Adoption makes you sound like Angelina Jolie? Infertility makes you sound like some factory reject? (Which you know I don’t believe is true. In case that came off as incredibly harsh.)

    If there is anything reassuring here it is that people make judgements about your life regardless if you’re undergoing treatments, adopting, or even deciding not to have a family. At least we humans are consistent.

    Glad to hear you’re balancing this new part of your journey with grace.

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    • I just love every single thing you said in this comment.
      I never thought I’d be compared to Angelina Jolie in any way shape of form, but I think you are right. People look at us for our decision to adopt and think its admirable and amazing, yet have no idea the complexities involved. And people look at our RPL and see us as broken and factory rejects (which by the way made me laugh when I read it, and I never for a second though you thought that way).
      Perspective is everything, eh?
      Anyways, thank you again for reinforcing that these negative judgements are consistent with human kind (unfortunately)!

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      • Whew. I had this panic that maybe my ire was a wee bit much.

        Okay, it was a bit much but it’s because this makes me SO MAD. I truly want to understand where this compulsion to tell people how to live their lives comes from. Is it because it reinforces our own choices? Because we like to pretend to be experts to inflate our own self worth?

        These are questions for the ages, I’m afraid. Just keep doing you.

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  13. I’m really sorry to hear about all the negativity. I am glad you and your husband are able to embrace the positivity. I am sending lots of love and excitement to you and yours! ❤

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  14. I think this is why many choose to go private with their journey or only allow certain people in because of this backlash. I remember a few years ago there was one blogger who for whatever reason had a post go viral and some of the comments on the site were downright hurtful. It’s funny though there is a lot of judgement I find from people who choose IVF instead of adopting because, you know you should just adopt from a third world country 😉 It’s a fine line putting ourselves out there and we hope we only get support but there are always naysayers that like to have a say on a topic that they should just shut the hell up with. Either way you guys are going to rock this parenthood business and both you and the gorgeous child you end up with are going to be so fortunate to have each other.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing. I think you noticed something really interesting, you are judged for choosing IVF and not adopting; and I am judged for adopting and not trying more ways to stay pregnant. I guess no matter what we choose in life, there will always be negative people out there who feel the need to share negativity.
      And, thank you so much for your love and support! Eventually, I do hope that you are right, and we will get to rock this parenthood business! 🙂

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  15. WOW!!! I think I will stay away from adoption online communities if that’s what you’re dealing with. I’ll just stick with our IF sisters. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such awful comments and judgement. People really do amaze me when they feel they get to speak on others lives. No one knows what you have been through and how you are coming to the decisions you have come to. And they have no right to make any judgements what so ever! Know that we are always here to love and support you through this!!! Hugs 🙂

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    • I haven’t necessarily sought out the adoption community, they have started to find me as I write more about adoption. Or at least those with negative comments have found me, as opposed to me finding them.
      Anyways, thank you so much for your love and support! You are absolutely one of the ones that I am thankful for! And, I am so excited for you to also start the path to adoption, so that I can learn from you as well! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Hmn. I’m sorry about things being less than pleasant. Adoption is a very emotionally and politically charged issue for many. I don’t know if the negatives you’ve received are from those close to the issue but I think it is important to keep our wits about us and take deep breaths when life throws rotten tomatoes our way. I hope the learning opportunities outweigh the hostile encounters and that you know you can always look to your RPL friends to show you the love whenever you need it!

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    • Thank so much for your very accurate and thoughtful words. You are right, adoption is very emotionally and politically charged, just like almost anything that is controversial and has horribly sad stories of mistreated children.
      The positivity absolutely outweighs the negativity, and since I’ve discovered how easy it is to blacklist someone from my site, I’m not particularly worried about repeat negative comments. (That said, part of me is curious to read them just so I can understand more about the negative views of adoption – not that I would publish them to spread negativity, but just so I can increase my understanding).
      Anyways, thank you so much, and I know I can always turn to you for support and love.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. I’ve found that the topic of adoption is so incredibly touchy. I think we all have thoughts on what we would choose if we chose to go the adoption route, but we really have no idea until we’re there. When we were talking about adoption, we did not discuss it with anyone because our own thoughts were so strong and conflicting at times (for instance, we were considering adoption for us but agreed that we would not want our own daughter choosing to place a child and that we would raise the baby if possible). I know that we would likely handle adoption differently than you’ve chosen to handle it, but that does not make me right and you wrong. But to many, only their adoption choices are the right ones. I’ve seen it too over the years. It’s infuriating.

    There is a group that will likely find your blog and harass you. I’ve seen them attack a lot of adopting bloggers in the past. Gah!

    Keep your attacks and judgments to yourselves, people!

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    • I love your comment – thank you so much for sharing! I love that you speak to the fact that while you considered adoption and we are considering adoption, we are likely not making the same decisions but we are making the decisions that are right for us. So, neither are right or wrong, they just are, and at the end of the day our children will be loved no matter what.
      I also love that your comment about raising your grandchild if needed, because we too would do that. But, of course the world isn’t always that perfect which is why adoption does exist.
      Anyways, thank you so much for the heads up that I may get more harassing comments. But, I do think I’m pretty prepared to deal with them and just blacklist them if needed.
      And thank you for your love and support and encouragement! You are truly an amazing individual!

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  18. It seems crazy that anyone who has been through any time of decision regarding children would be judgmental at all, with all of the very different medical and emotional things that we’ve all been through. It seems that everyone would be open and supportive of each other’s choices and decisions as we all understand the very complicated and varied issues being faced. I’m sorry that the adoption community isn’t like this, and I’m glad you’re getting more support from the people in your ‘real’ life.

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      • Of course, you need and deserve suppor right now and Im glad you are setting boundaries and that you try not to take negativity personally. What is best for you and your husband is the only thinf that matters 🙂 xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

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  20. I find it so unbelievable how people can be! Choosing to adopt (or not adopt or whatever) is an extremely emotional and personal choice. And frankly, a beautiful choice. I’m actually quite angered that there is so much judgement! people are crazy. crazy. Your choices are yours alone and they are perfect.

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  21. I’m sorry that you’ve faced judgement on topics that are your and Mr. MPB’s personal choices. It has always boggled my mind that people feel the right to ‘make decisions’ for other people, which judgement really is. I’ve always assumed that we can never fully understand someone else’s struggles, and that they are doing the best that they can, given their circumstances. DW and I have had conversations about what we would do if we had “difficult decisions” to make, and fully believe that since it’s our lives, no one else’s opinion carries more weight than ours. You two have fought hard for this, and should feel supported throughout this process. Hugs and squeezes.

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    • It sounds like you and DW are a lot like us – they are our decisions and we will live with the outcome, good and bad. We cannot guarantee that we will make the perfect decisions, but we can guarantee that our decisions will always be made from a place of love and with the best of intentions.
      And, once again, thank you. Thank you for your love and your support! I am so touched and grateful that you are in my life. 🙂

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  22. THOUGHTS ABOUT THOSE JUDGMENTS:

    1) Judgement for not being open enough with an open adoption.
    2) Judgement for being too open with an open adoption.
    3) Judgement for choosing the USA and not a third world nation.
    4) Judgement for not adopting locally.
    5) Judgement for not fostering.
    6) Judgement for not trying more things (i.e. surrogacy, medications, etc.) to have a biological child.
    7) Judgement for turning to adoption as a result of infertility and not out of the desire to save a child.
    8) Judgement for not wanting to take on fetal alcohol syndrome.
    9) Judgement for selecting races that we are open to (selecting is an adoption requirement not a task driven by personal choice).
    10) Judgement for apparently condoning modern day slavery.

    ____________________
    1) If you don’t want to have an open adoption, so be it. It’s YOUR choice. Do your research on open adoptions, weigh the pros and cons and go from their following your gut reaction, your intellectual research and the message from your heart. It’s OK not to have an open adoption. Not everyone who adopts wants one.

    2) Again, about being TOO open about open adoption, weigh your pros and cons, then decide. Everybody has an opinion, just like everyone has an @sshole, but you can choose what you listen to and what you ALLOW to influence you. Welcome to planet earth where people judge.

    3) It is fine for choosing the US. It’s convenient. It fits your needs. The US has organized processes for adoption. You’re not here to save and rescue the world and all the starving children in Africa or India, are you? If you are, then maybe you should consider international adoption. You want a child … you’re not trying to be some life-saving heroine. Most people who adopt want a child that is like them and fits in. Did you know Deaf people in general prefer to have a deaf child like them? A lot of people what children who are similar, not to be confused with identical, as them. Guess f*cking what?! That’s OK too!

    4) You’ve looked into adopting locally … from what I’ve read on your blog AND it seems to have more barriers. Of course, you’d adopt locally if you could. If someone is judging you for wanting to make the adoption process as easy and less stressful on you and your husband, they can go f*ck themselves and the self-righteous horse they rode in on. Ya know, I’d like to buy all my veggies locally, but guess what — many things aren’t in season, some veggies don’t grow here, many times the cost is more expensive. Did I just compare adopting a child to buying local vegetables? Yes, I did. It’s simply an analogy that has some similarities in principal. If someone else thinks that YOU should adopt locally, then ask them who is going to go through this nightmare of paperwork, this lonnnnngggggg heartbreaking time of waiting, pay for the adoption and take care of the little curtain climber for the next 18, possibly 21 years? If they are going to do ALL these things for you, then yes, you should adopt locally, but until then, it’s your life and your HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO LIVE IT THE WAY YOU WANT AND SEE FIT.

    5) Try fostering? Shouldn’t you try things that you want to instead of looking like some Sally-do-gooder trying to make everyone happy and create a false appearance by telling everyone “I’m a good person; I’m fostering.” Foster only if you want to. I love cats. I mean I really fucking love cats BUT I don’t want to foster any. I want my own to love and hold and care for. There are foster cat people out there and that’s great. Good for THEM, but I know I’d get attached and there’s no guarantee I’d get to keep the kitty, and maybe I don’t want to take care of a cat with know multiple or serious problems. Guess what? That’s my choice and it’s OK. It’s better that I’m honest with myself and society instead of sucking it up to please others. Guess what? If you fostered there’s the critic out there who will say you’re doing it wrong, or the time is wrong or you volunteered for the wrong child. To this person I say stuff it, stick it and shove and tell them to go fill out their OWN paperwork to do the fostering process themselves. It’s OK not to want to foster. Really. You can be a good person and not foster. I’m dead serious about that.

    6) Trying more things? If anyone is judging you for this, they are simply straight up an a-hole through and through. How many more babies do you have to lose before you can prove to someone — not the person doing the actual adopting mind you — that you have tried a lot. Who says there is some requirement that you must try 7492 things before you can actually go through the adoption process?! I say if you were fertile and you wanted to go straight to adoption you have every right to do so without trying one cotton-picking thing. It’s called choice. It’s called freedom. You have tried the pineapple thing though, haven’t you? 🙂

    7) Save a child through adoption? Hell, yes, you’re already saving a child BY going through adoption. Does this numbskull person need be reminded of how many baby losses you’ve already been through? Who is anyone in their self-righteous mind to preach to you about saving a child? You want to adopt a child and start a family. You’re not f*cking Mother Theresa and don’t intend on pretending to fill her shoes! You are turning to adoption because you have infertility problems. You’re not alone. Tens of thousands of women have infertility problems at one time or another. If you’re infertile and can’t have a child, who thinks it’s not OK to turn to adoption? What the hell ARE you supposed to do if you want a child and you’re infertile? Are you supposed to throw in the towel and say that adoption wasn’t your first choice to same some child and that you’re a schmuck because you wanted a family that included a baby? That’s very weird logic — it there’s any logic in there to begin with. And guess, what lots and lots and lots and lots of women want babies simply because they want someone to love and care for … if a woman said she wanted a baby so that she could “save” someone, wouldn’t she have a bit of a Christ-like complex? Sounds like definite psychopathy to me. It’s OK to simply want a baby because you simply want a baby.

    8) Some people take on things they don’t know what they are getting into. You have done your research and don’t want to take on a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) for many reasons that are valid to you and well-considered. Another, “that’s OK”. You don’t have to pick up every bleeding heart, poor soul or come have homeless people live at your house. I mean this. Even some friends are emotional vampires and you have to drop them from your lives. You’re not asking for perfection in your adopted child, you just don’t want known problems. That’s OK. You don’t have to feel sorry for a low-paying job that no one is taking and take it so the boss will feel good that there is a body in a position. If someone wants to adopt a baby with known FAS then they have every right to do so. You also have the opposite right. Again, with the cat analogy, I love cat uber much, but I wouldn’t go the shelter and pick out the cat with one eye, no tail, who is 17 yrs, with arthritis and feline leukemia. I’m sorry that that little kitty has so many problems, but if I have a choice to do some picking I’m going to try to pick a reasonably healthy kitty. You don’t go to the car lot and pick the broken down clunker because no one else is buying it knowing that you’re going to be shelling out thousands in repairs and it may leave you stranded frequently. I realize a baby is not a car, but there are realistic choices we make when we want to make an addition to our family whether it be a living and breathing being or a thing. It’s human nature. It’s not mean. It’s not cruel … it is what it is.

    9) Again, most people who adopt or have a child want someone who is like them, someone they can relate to, someone who can relate to them. There is a natural process that may be partly instinctual, that people want to be around mostly people like them. One of the reasons that successful marriages last is usually due to similar underlying values. If you want to adopt children of all races, so be it. It’s YOUR choice and you have YOUR reasons after doing your own research. It’s perfectly OK that you want your child to look like he or she is a natural part of the family … and it’s OK if that’s not a big deal to you either. You’re going to want what you want. Angelina Jolie happens to want a rainbow family and there’s nothing wrong with that. She’s practically the queen of the US so with her millions she can do virtually as she pleases. But guess what? She also has some children who are just like she and Brad — her own bio kids. You simply want to START a family and maybe when you’ve two or three adoptees under your belt you’ll start reaching out and try get a child of every race. And maybe you’ll change your mind in the meantime and start pursuing that adoption from China … but it’s OK either way. You’ll be damned if you decided to adopt an African American baby and you’ll be damned if you decide to get a child that looks a lot like you or hubby. The judgers will NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER go away. If you did get a baby who wasn’t white, then you’d be accused of trying to be trendy and be a bi-racial family and shit. Whatever. At the end of the day you have to live with decision you made, care of the little and wipe her (or his) @ss whether it be brown, dark brown, light tan, snow white or rosey pink. Newsflash — ALL baby poop is pretty much brown and stinky!

    10) Yeah, condoning modern day slavery. I’m eye-rolling my eyes to the moon and back. You’re not in the sex-trade so someone needs to get over this severely misguided warped paranoid opinion. I’m not even going to give this argument voice because it is stupid — stupid is as stupid does.

    Now go adopt and f*ck all the naysayers and their pushy, inappropriate opinions! You don’t have to believe every thought you think, nor do you have to give believe everyone outside yourself either. You HAVE a brain. You HAVE a heart. Use them and know that you’re doing the best you can with everything at the time you are making tough decisions.

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    • I was going to write an big response to your comment, but instead I will say a simple thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I will share Mr. MPB’s response to reading this:

      “Best comment ever, on any blog I have ever read!!”

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry for the typos throughout my WOT (wall of text) … I hope you were able to make sense where I was not.

        Glad my mini-novel was appreciated … I started writing and couldn’t stop. My responses are inspired from a couple of years of being on an online support group and working through my own issues while others have judged me and women like me through a very personal choice issue we made … my WOT responses were amazingly applicable to your stuff too.

        Anyway f*ck others. They DON’T live your life. They won’t have to take care of the child (children) you will eventually have one day and they have NOT walked one minute in your same shoes on your exact journey. Remember that. You’re a smart person making well-thought out choices, not some person on meth drinking a glass of wine, flipping a coin making choices willy-nilly because you’re a Jesus freak afraid not to please others in your community. THIS IS NOT YOU! So, screw others … you can listen to what they say buy take it with a very big grain of salt! Remember whose life you’re actually living — YOURS!

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