I Cannot Dwell In It

I am still fearful. I am fearful that we could end up pregnant this month and that I am not receiving the right type of care. I am fearful that if we do end up pregnant this month, we are destined to miscarry due to the impossibly low progesterone number.

I will not dwell in the fear.

I cannot dwell in it.

I am still angry. We all assumed that I am ovulating properly because pregnancy is the best indicator of ovulation. I took progesterone suppositories through loss 4 and 5 just in case my progesterone levels were low. I am angry at myself for not educating myself and asking more questions earlier. I am even angrier at my clinic for delivering a result without any medical interpretation – I was better off not knowing anything then I am to know a number without context. But, right now, I most angry at my clinic, they should have tested this a year ago when we first started seeing them – they are the “experts” so they should have done this testing to begin with!

I will not dwell in the anger.

I cannot dwell in it.

I am still frustrated. I am so frustrated with every single thing related to Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. This whole thing is bullshit. It has ruled my life for 2 over years, and I’m exhausted. I am frustrated by the emotional turmoil that one phone call can cause. I am tired of

I will not dwell in the frustration.

I cannot dwell in it.

So here I am, waiting on another progesterone blood test result today (thanks to my amazing family doc). Here I am self-medicating with prometrium pills just in case we are pregnant this cycle (I had them left over from our last pregnancy that ended in miscarriage). Here I am looking into alternative options for an RPL specialist.  Here I am more educated today then I was before this latest hiccup.  Here I am determined to worry about the next cycle when the time comes, not today.

But most importantly, here I am determined to pick myself up again.

I will not dwell in all of it.

I cannot dwell in it.

20140919 - I Cannot Dwell In It

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29 Comments on “I Cannot Dwell In It

  1. You’ve got this…You are Strong…One of the Strongest Women I know! I am sorry that you’re having to deal with an inadequate clinic right now. I’m happy that your family doc is being helpful and that you have some prometrium left over. However, you now have that song stuck in my head!! 😉

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    • Thanks so much! Your words of encouragement mean the world to me right now! I’m determined to learn from this and let it go, and your support definitely helps me do that!
      Oh ya, that song has totally been in my head all day!

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  2. I am thinking of you and sending you so many well wishes and wishes for strength. Living in a place of fear and frustration, etc. is not a fun place to live. But I understand your feelings. I don’t have any sage advice, just know that I am rooting for you and hoping that you get the answers you need. Now that you have this knowledge it can only help in the future.

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    • Thank you so, so much! I am feeling much better about things today. I’ve done what I can about the situation (i.e. follow blood work through my family doc yesterday and now self-medicating with progesterone), and now I have to let the rest go. Thank you again!

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  3. So proud of you for not dwelling on any of it! You are a strong woman and the battle is truly in the mind on some days. You WILL be victorious! You are a fighter! xo

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    • Thank you so much Elisha – I so appreciate your encouragement!! I refuse to sit her and sulk all day, and worry about something I cannot change. I too the steps I could to improve the situation (i.e. blood test through family doc, taking progesterone now just in case conception occurred), but i have to let the rest of it go.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. (((hugs))) You’re strength and resilience is amazing. I’m glad you have such a supportive family doctor. Just an FYI, I told your progesterone to my nurse at the RE office yesterday, and she was so upset on your behalf. I’m glad you are looking elsewhere an RPL specialist. This is a hard enough process. I feel both knowledge and compassion are so important. Thinking of you!

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      • I didn’t particularly ask that question. Though I don’t think they can “confirm” or “deny” ovulation by a simple progesterone level. I think they best way is to look (ultrasound). The concern and frustration is that with RPL, progesterone supplementation is imperative in the early stages of pregnancy (including when we don’t know if we’re pregnant or not yet), so their protocol is to always err on the side of caution and at the very least make sure patients are on Endometrium starting with trigger or ovulation. Even if you happen to boost your own progesterone levels, the supplemental progesterone wont hurt you. They monitor those levels very closely. They stop them after a patient has proven “not pregnant”…not the other way around. It’s frustrating because the literature is out there and supports that protocol. That’s what we talked about. FYI – my RE does specialize in RPL. I know it’s not close, but I’ll just throw that out there too. (((hugs)))

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      • Thanks so much!
        After everything I’ve read in the last 48 hours, I completely agree that it’s imperative before implantation – and according to the nurse I spoke to today, they simply don’t agree at my clinic. I’m still taking progesterone, because I think it matters.
        On a positive, I did manage to get an appointment with my RE at the beginning of October. So we will either be a week pregnant or starting a new cycle. I’m not convinced we will stay with this clinic, but I know we wont have someone new before our next cycle so I have to make the best of the situation I guess.
        Thanks again!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You are amazing hon! I am so pissed for you about all of this too, and admire you so much for staying strong. Good for you for going to your regular doctor and good for your looking at all your options. I know for logistics purposes, staying with your local RE would be best, but can you look at another city or outside of your province for other options? Praying you just ovulated a little later than usual this month and that all will be good with your second test! Hugs ❤

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    • Thanks so much Johanne!
      We kinda figure if we are going to a new clinic and start looking at paying for everything out of pocket, we might as well go to someone who is an expert in RPL specifically, rather then going to someone who is an RE who is better at getting people pregnant then keeping us pregnant. We aren’t sure yet, but if we do move to a new specialist we are leaning towards Dr. Kwak-Kim or Dr. Braverman. But, we wont rush into a decision because its just such an expensive decision!
      Thanks again for your support! It just means so much to me!

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      • That makes a lot of sense to me. I hope you get some answers at your upcoming appts and it will help you decided how to proceed.

        Likewise hon! Your support means so much to me too! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree – it’s just wasted time and energy to dwell on it and I think you are wise to move forward. It’s completely frustrating though. As if RPL isn’t scary enough with this added stress to the equation. But you know what, I love a good underdog story. A person can have great stats and still struggle, while so many times, I have watched God work miracles through impossible circumstances. I’ve also had 5 miscarriages and based on my history, I really shouldn’t hope like this, but I can’t help it. I still believe that there is hope for all of us – no matter what the odds tell us. I’m praying for you and hoping that if you are pregnant this cycle, this baby will live. XOXO!

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    • I think anyone who has/is experiencing RPL has to have hope, and have faith in whatever brings us comfort and love during our difficult times. Thank you for your support and wishing you the exact same thing.

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  7. I tried to comment earlier but my phone has had super shoddy service on and off today. I couldn’t agree more. Infertility and RPL is indeed bullshit. I want to scream that from the top of a mountain. Sending you hugs and hope.

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