I’ve Been So Worried About You
I randomly bumped into someone recently, someone I used to work with on a volunteer committee, but not someone that I was particularly close to.
I saw him, and he instantly got up from what he was doing and wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug. And he said “I’ve been so worried about you. You vanished a few years ago when you quit your job and I haven’t heard anything about you since.”
I’m not a big hugger at the best of times so while the bear hug struck me as a bit odd, I figured maybe he was just friendlier then I remembered? So, I lightheartedly joked that once I became a mom, my priorities have really shifted and I’m just not as involved in volunteer professional activities any more.
We both had places to be so we quickly planned to meet up for lunch the next week. That lunch was yesterday.
We met at his office and walked a few blocks to a restaurant. As we walked, he said “I knew you had a couple of miscarriages and I just couldn’t stop worrying….I had a friend, who had a few miscarriages and after her third one she fell into a deep depression. Eventually she took her own life as she blamed herself for the loss of her babies. Honestly, I was just so happy to see you last week and to know that you are okay. And to hear that you have a son now, that’s just amazing!”
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To anyone reading this today, know that infertility is damn hard. It impacts your life in ways I never thought possible. You are not alone in this struggle.
I understand how hard loss is. I know all the feelings that come with saying goodbye to a baby you desperately want, the dreams you had for that child, and the dreams you had for your future family.
Recurrent pregnancy loss is the most excruciatingly horrible experience I have ever been though.
No matter what happens in my life, I will always understand.
You are not alone.
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Please, please, please, if you are struggling with infertility and experiencing depression or thoughts of self-harm or suicide, talk to someone. Please reach out for help. If you are in Canada, please follow this link to find resources in your area. And please, know it’s not your fault and you are not alone.
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My Perfect Breakdown 
I am a mother with a 18 months old daughter, I feel you. I suffered from severe postpartum depression after delivery but I felt that no one could understand my plight. Overnight I was expected to be a very good mother but my health needed attention but my family just didn’t pay heed. For them I was unstable and psycho
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That just goes to show that you never know how many people really care about you. Many more people than we could even realize.
There is always someone who understands. There are always people who care.
Thank you for writing this post.
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What a fascinating interaction — it’s particularly striking that he’s a man, since I feel like men in general tend to be much less sympathetic than women about pregnancy loss, presumably because they have less experience with which to understand what it actually feels like to go through it. How awful about his friend, but how lovely that he worked through his loss partly through his feelings of concern about and happiness for you!
And yes, the grief of pregnancy loss is the worst grief I’ve ever experienced, and it is really, really easy to see how if your brain were wired that way, it could easily touch off a suicidal depression — I suspect I had clinically significant issues going on after our 18w loss that nobody picked up, but thankfully my brain chemistry is such that I was able to work through them eventually without professional help. I’m so glad you’re encouraging women to reach out and get help, because these experiences are so profoundly difficult and so devastatingly common. Thanks for sharing this experience with us.
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I watch my daughter struggle every single day, 3 failed IVF’s so far! It breaks my heart, and yet I feel so powerless! People do not understand how hard it is for her and expect her to just be happy all the time, when she is in such emotional pain! And she watches other family members and friends have their babies and they have no concept about how hard that is for her to be around them. Many do honestly try to understand, but it is one of those things that is a no-win for both the infertile person, as well as for the fertile person who tries to be empathetic but also doesn’t know what is helpful vs damaging! I hate infertility!
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Thank you for posting this. I am so thankful for the online so community who has shown me that I am not alone in RPL (even if I may feel that way). Although I’m so sad there are others who go through this. I would not wish it on anyone. Thank you for posting this.
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It is so heartening to see that such lovely people do exist who put to shame the concept of “out of sight, out of mind”. Glad to hear you are doing better too 🙂
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The grief is that hardest! – Infertility is the worst. Without adding all the extra’s on top. I totally blame my struggle for the way I coped when my little one was born. It’s bloody tough. Support, be in online or in person is so so so important. Somewhat relieved to know there are genuine kind, and caring people out there. Sometimes I think people forget I went through what I did; and it makes it harder to “not be ok.” I guess it’s hard for them to know what to do or say. Sometimes we bump into the best of people – at the best of times.
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What a powerful post… I absolutely agree with the importance of reaching out, talking to someone after the loss of a pregnancy. It’s certainly the most difficult time I have been through… Your former colleague seems like a really good guy too! Xx
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