Parenting Thoughts
Here are a few things I’ve heard other parents say:
If I knew how hard having kids was, I probably wouldn’t have had them.
If I knew what I knew now, I probably wouldn’t have had kids.
Having kid’s isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I fully respect that everyone is free to have their own opinions. I also fully respect that there are some very hard moments that come along with raising children – the sleepless nights, the poopsplosians, the teething hell, the arguments, the toddler tantrums. And, I fully expect the teenage years will have their own special kind of crazy hard moments. And, so I absolutely understand that children do the most unexpected things and always keep us on our toes. I absolutely understand it’s not always easy – gosh, there have been so many tears and anxiety in the last two years. Being a parent is the absolute hardest thing in the world.
But, while I respect everyone’s right to their own opinion. I have to say, here are things I have never, not once, thought or said:
If I knew how hard having kids was, I probably wouldn’t have had them.
If I knew what I knew now, I probably wouldn’t have had kids.
Having kid’s isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Honestly, in my mind and in our household it goes more like this:
How did we get so lucky?
Look at him, could life be any better right now?
I wouldn’t trade this for anything.
You see, the one thing we know, without a doubt, is that we are so fortunate to be parents. We are so fortunate to have Little MPB in our lives. We are thankful that adoption was an option available to create our family.
Nothing ever cures the heartache and pain of infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. I know those memories, those little lives lost too soon, will always be with me – they’ve been etched into my heart and my soul. But, I will forever be grateful for those 5 lost little lives for teaching me how special being a parent is. I’ll always be thankful they gave me an appreciation for the hard moments, and for making me a better, more patient, mother. Really I’ll always be thankful for how those babies, and our losses have made each and every moment, even the mundane moments, extra sweet.
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I often think that if every parent got a taste of infertility or loss, they might be more grateful for their blessings and – hopefully – they (and their child) would be better off for it.
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I think those of us who have to work a little harder at having kids (Not that my story is anything like yours) have a different appreciation of our children.
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So much this! I’m not going to say that experiencing pregnancy loss has made me a better parent, because I think that’s dangerous crap and I don’t personally feel the need to try to write meaning into what has been simply the most difficult experience of my life. But I think that everything I’ve been through does give me a deeper appreciation for how miraculous my child’s existence really is, and how fortunate I am to be able to be a parent. I have never, not once, taken my kid for granted. And even when things are hard, I have never, not once, wished I weren’t a parent — I looked that possible future squarely in the face, and it looked very bleak. And I do hear other parents saying these things, and while I certainly respect their feelings and different experiences, it is a foreign concept, and it stings a little. So basically, I’m right there with you, mama MPB.
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I think it’s important for parents to remember how lucky we are to have our children – myself included. For me, parenting is hard because I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time in 15 months and my wife and I disagree about how to deal with that. It has nothing to do with our daughter, really. I am always in awe of how amazing she is and how lucky I am to be her mom. The hardness of parenting doesn’t mean for a second that I wish I wasn’t a parent or that if I could go back in time I’d not become one. God, I can’t imagine life without my baby girl – brings tears to my eyes to think of a version of myself in a parallel universe who didn’t get to experience this love. So while parenting is legitimately hard at some times and for various reasons, it has much more to do with trying to live up to societal expectations, learning to co-parent with a spouse, and dealing with your own limits than it does with our precious children.
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Honestly, I have thought things like “why did we think this was a good idea?!”… but then, he smiles, he snuggles, I see my husband be a daddy and everything seems a bit easier and I know the hard phases will pass. If I knew how hard it was going to Be? I would do it anyway.
Most of what made my early journey hard is the lack of support we had and societal expectations of what a ‘good mother’ looked like and did. If I ditched that stuff sooner, it would have been so much easier!!
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Recently, I was with friends and their kids, and the house was a crazy zoo (it was a lot of kids). At some point, one of the kids did something like talk back or try to get away with something. And the parent turned to me and said, “Just wait until next year, you will be experiencing the same thing.”
I simply replied with, “We’ll see.”
They all laughed until one of the friends looked at me as he realized what I meant.
He said, “You don’t mean ‘we’ll see’ about whether your kid’s behavior is crazy or not. You mean, ‘we’ll see’ as is ‘we’ll see how this pregnancy goes’.
And I just nodded and said “Exactly.”
People who don’t share this experience don’t always understand. But there are some who try. And I’m so thankful for the ones that try. It’s much easier to blind oneself to the pain and fear and discomfort.
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I think these sentiments are created when we don’t expect our children to grow up in community where they see what parenting is like and get a taste of it through caring for other children, even if for short times. Also, the expectation that people *should* have children, and that not wanting them is a shortcoming.
Those of us with limited opportunities to have children, limited by whatever means that happens to be, have already grappled with that expectation pre-child in a way that I think many people do not.
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Yeah I think going through infertility makes you absolutely a lot more grateful and appreciative if you do manage to get so lucky to have a child in the end!
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My thoughts align with yours I love being a mom its the best most rewarding thing I’ve ever done
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Yes yes yes yes YES! Amen my friend
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Amen!
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I will never understand people who say those things! Sure every now and then you get exhausted and everyone needs me time but my Molly is the best thing that ever happened to me hands down. Husband a close second. With 7 weeks to go I’m starting to finally get excited about baby 2 (like shit this is happening!)
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I hear you and i feel you!
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