Will We Try Again?
Someone asked me a very interesting question when I mentioned the possibility of my gastrointestinal specialist finding the immunological cause for our losses. They asked:
You don’t have to answer this if you’re not comfortable…but if they DO find something that is related to your IF, and figure out how to “fix” it, do you think you will try growing your family?
Honestly, I had not even gone that far in my mind yet because I saw so many specialists, including my fantastic family doctor, a world renowned reproductive immunologist, a local amazing immunologist, multiple emergency room doctors, multiple local OBGYNs and multiple local reproductive endocrinologists through our losses that I find it hard to believe that I’ll actually get an answer now. I hope this newest doctor does find the answer, but honestly, I find it hard to believe anyone will.
So, now that the question has been asked, and without even talking to Mr. MPB about it (don’t worry we clearly will talk about this and make the decision together), my thought is no we wont try again the old fashioned way.
First, while we are hoping to get an easy, straight forward and treatable diagnosis, the reality is that may not be what I get. This doctor may not be able to figure it out any better then the last have. Which means I might still go undiagnosed. And, the scary thought is that I may get a scary, hard to treat, or even not treatable disease. I could have something that as I age will drastically impact my lifestyle and our family. But, we aren’t dwelling in that scary possibility, so moving on.
Secondly, Mr. MPB is 110% content with having one child. He has no desire to put ourselves through any emotional and/or financial pain to try again. Even though I long for another child, I have to agree that I don’t want to go through any more emotional pain or massive financial debt. And even trying again the old-fashioned may not bankrupt us, it may destroy us emotionally.
Thirdly, Little MPB. There is a lot of information out there about families with adopted children and biological children. I honestly don’t know what is right, but I do know that Little MPB’s wellbeing comes first. So, deciding to have a second child that shared our genetics while Little MPB doesn’t, isn’t that straight forward of a question. And honestly, if the science says there’s a significant risk to Little MPB’s long term mental health, we wouldn’t do it. Because of this, I truthfully think we’d be more likely to adopt a second time then to try the old fashioned way.
And lastly, knowing that 5 babies died solely because my body couldn’t nourish them and give them the life they needed (and deserved), I truly don’t think I’ll ever be willing to try again. Trying again isn’t just a matter of hoping a baby will survive. For me, it’s the mental health side of knowing that my body will very likely kill that baby. I cannot knowingly sign up for that. Honestly, I just cannot go there.
So, right now, my inclination is to say we are still one and done. But, the one thing I know in life is never say never.
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I do hope you get answers and a fix. For your health and well being. Whether or not this comes into play, you deserve some relief.
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Thank you my friend. That’s also my approach right now, answers would be nice so I don’t continue to go through this every few years.
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I really hear this post – I think many (normally fertile) people don’t understand the hesitation. They think, “well, you found/solved the problem, so why wouldn’t you go for it” (assuming the doctors could, in fact, find/fix the issue and assure you that you would be on a normally fertile playing field, so to speak). If there’s a diagnosis or some sort of treatment, people have a tendency to view the situation as “fixed”, but that doesn’t really take into account all the trauma, expense, and life that happened prior to any new information/changes. It’s much more complicated at that point – accounting for all the emotional/financial stuff, the child you have, etc. It’s one of the reasons that I find I have issues relating to people who are more or less “normal” when it comes to fertility. Even though things have worked out for me in many ways, there’s a set of assumptions there that are entirely different from the realities I’m dealing with.
Wishing you the best for a non-scary diagnosis and that the doctor can figure out what’s going on. And wishing you peace as you move forward in your journey.
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I completely hear you.. Although I understand and respect MPB’s decision completely, I just want to say that even an infertile would say the same. We are all struggling to reach the same goal and if we find one impediment removed, its almost like a shot in the arm saying why not try and see if this helps?
Haven’t we all spend countless amount of money, tears and what not to just remove the impediments?
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I’m the one that asked the question, and I’m far from “normal”. I’ve walked the IF journey myself, and about to go down that road again once my daughter is weaned. I didn’t make any assumptions about anything with her last post. I know very well the road she’s walked, and I also know how much she craves a sibling for her son. Anyone’s answer would absolutely be different, as it’s a huge decision. I’m sure some would want to try and grow their family, while some wouldn’t. Neither is wrong, just different.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound judgmental – I do get why the question might be asked (and given the general audience of this blog, I probably should have recognized that someone with an IF history might have asked).
Mostly, I read this through my own IF history and situation. To sum up quickly, I had a natural conception that resulted in a live, term birth after a lot of issues (PCOS, IVF, PPROM, very preterm birth), and I’ve had a fair share of people (IRL – online people have been quite understanding) who see the issue as fixed and don’t quite get why I see pregnancy and conception as totally fraught/nerve wracking and don’t really understand why I wouldn’t “just try” for another if I want one. Hence the reason this blog post resonated with me so much – it was such a great, clear explanation of all the stuff that goes into such a decision.
You are absolutely right that there are no wrong answers, it’s incredibly hard to make these very individual decisions, and I hope MPB is able to figure out what works best for her and her family.
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Oh I’ve had plenty of fertile people ask/say all kinds of stuff to me as well. I’m fairly active in a local mom’s group, but not all of them know my history. (PCOS, blood clotting disorder, IUIs, IVF, old age lol!) I also have a lot of GI issues…I met some of them for a play date, and mentioned that it was a rough morning because I woke up nauseous and C had been grumpy. Of course they immediately lit up and said “Oh maybe you’re pregnant!” No, I just have a messed up stomach, but thanks. It’s so annoying how everyone’s first response if a woman is not feeling well is that they’re pregnant…they don’t get how much of a nerve that could be plucking at.
Anyway…it was a great response, and she does a wonderful job of showing anyone who may not have gone through any IF process why it’s such a hard decision to make. I wish there were some way to make people truly understand, though I certainly wouldn’t wish any of our journeys on anyone!
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Everything happens for a reason, and if we aren’t sure of this reason just yet one day we will understand. for a little over a year i tried and tried to have a baby and nothing happened i had given up and i remember one night praying and having a conversation with the lord, then next thing you know i went to the dr and i was 6 weeks pregnant. Five months ago I gave birth to my 3rd child… now that i look back I’m happy with my timing because i did go through a lot before them. Just pray hunny, he’s listening !
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I have been thinking about whether or not to add a comment to yours…because I know you have only good intentions. But for me personally this is a really hard statement to hear….everything happens for a reason. I still struggle to understand it and I’ve had my dream come true. But you’ve inspired me to write a blog post about this because I want to explore it some more. In a community where families have struggled with so much pain and loss I’m not sure everyone will be able to palate this.
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Of course, many people struggle everyday with different things… I did my share of struggling and loosing so much that pain won’t even define how it felt and how it still feels. I look forward to reading your new blog.
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When I think about a biological and adopted siblings, it reminds me of this story. These two little sisters were on a swing set and one of the sisters reveals to the other that she was adopted. Upset, she runs back to her parents who explain to her the beautiful adoption story that brought her to them. Triumphantly, she goes back outside and tells her sister, “Out parents chose me, they HAD to have you.” The story cracks me up.
That being said, I get it. While I am pregnant again, this is really the last time I want to do this. Besides all the emotional turmoil, my body is getting old!
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I can feel how you feel about this situation.. Its just not easy and so not fair to get an answer now w.r.t infertility..
I just want to add one thing, as little MPB grows up, he is not going to be as dependent on you both, i mean he will have his rebel years, will struggle to find his place, (God hope not, even resent it). but as he matures, he will know how much you both love him.
In end, its just you and Mr MPB who will truly matter to him w.r.t adoption, not his sibling. His sibling will be a friend/ brother/ sister, that’s all.
If you chose not to try procreation, do it for yourselves, It would be sad say 15 years down the line, where in you both feel..what if we had tried then?
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This is completely understandable. There are so many huge factors that go into figuring out if you want more kids, for anyone, not just those of us who had to work so hard to have just one. I agree with Mamalife above.
Does research really show that having a biological child after adopting is hurtful to the adopted child? I honestly don’t know any families personally who have adopted, so I have no experience with this.
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I hope you find answers! That question is a difficult one to answer and I can see you’re really thinking about all the things that come along with it!
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Hugs. Very well thought out post. Even though I am 21 weeks pregnant with bio baby #2, I will never say to anyone, “Keep trying, it’s worth it” or any other of that BS. Every “try” is a huge gamble of a lot of pain and grief for families like us, and we all get to that point where the pain has to stop and we have to move on. I fully support anything you decide to do! It’s such a personal decision.
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Also, I want to add, I am really happy to hear you thinking about Baby MPB and his feelings about a bio sibling in the family. You’ve done your research. Ultimately, adoption was something that never felt right to me after having a bio son. I wanted it (wanted to adopt still), but I had deep hesitations based on research and experiences of those whom had been adopted and in families that had bio kids. I was already feeling guilty about pursuing adoption based on what I had learned. I still don’t think it’s a black and white issue, but the harm versus good is a serious consideration. Kudos to you for considering that.
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I hope that they can either cure or treat whatever ails you and I wish you peace – the decisions and choices to come are difficult and life changing.
In my own experience I had to accept that I would never have a child and made the decision a few years ago to have a complete hysterectomy to cure my own issues. I am now at peace with those circumstances and the choices I made but it took a lot of time and discussions with family and friends.
I am so very sorry for your circumstances and I hope that the resolution is swift and acceptable.
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That is a tough question and I can definitely see how tough it is to answer.
It’s not simple, it’s not easy, and I absolutely wish for you it was. You have been dealt a tough hand of cards in your life and here it’s almost like a question of stick or twist?? I’d probably stick too! And reserving the right to never say never? I think that’s kind of cool.
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