Erased But NEVER Forgotten
Yesterday I realized that in order for me to be a mother, it means my son’s birth mother has been erased on his birth certificate. With the change to his birth certificate and the fact that the original one is basically forever sealed, in the eyes of the government, our son’s birth mother no longer exists as his mother.
I find this very unsettling. Yet, I realize I have no authority to change the policies of the State Little MPB was born in at this point in time.
It is what it is, so we must move on.
.
Yet, I feel the need to state, that just because the government has erased her, we have not. Nor will we.
In no-way shape of form will she ever be erased from our son’s life. She will always be the one who cared for him during the first 9 months of his life. She will always be the one who gave birth to him. She will always be the one who chose to place him with us and entrust us to raise him. She will always be the one who placed him in my arms moments after he was born. She will always be his birth-mom, and as such she will always be a part of our family.
Honestly, our son will always know about her. And, as he grows up, we will always encourage a healthy dialogue and a healthy relationship between the two of them.
For us, this is just a fact of life.
And so, while the government may have erased her, we will never forget her as part of our family.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.
My Perfect Breakdown 
She is just erased on paper, and paper is rarely real life.
It must have been a hard day for her too, esp receiving the voided certificate.
LikeLike
I don’t believe she has seen a copy of the revised document as the only copies mailed were the copies I paid for us to get. And I have no idea how to go about telling her or even if I should….
LikeLike
Well, that is such a hard thing to decide. Do what you think your conscience will make you feel at peace. Do what is right for her, but yes, this is not one easy conversation. Even though its obvious, its hard.
On a side qs, has she communicated recently? I remember reading a post from you where she stopped communicating and it was getting hard for you and Mr MPB. Feel free to email/ignore this, since I understand the qs is not appropriate on the blog, but I couldnt resist answering.
LikeLiked by 1 person
resist asking.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beautiful as always. The biggest life gifts are often the most complex. You to me seem like you have a rare gift of navigating it all so elegantly❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
The truth isn’t always as it appears on black and white. I love that you want her in his life, just more people to love him!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love, love, love, as always, so much love for this post. Simply beautiful, friend.
LikeLiked by 2 people
At least you have his original birth certificate (OBC) – and one day maybe the state he was born in will restore the rights taken away from adoptees – adoptees are working towards that goal in most closed states.
FYI – What isn’t talked about in adoption circles – is that most states have it written in the vital records code that you don’t have to have the birth certificate amended in adoption, best guess is you just have to request it not be changed in your petition to adopt (of course the judge can override that). Although with immigration it would have created a nightmare without it – so there is that. The other aspect is if you (general you) didn’t get the amended (ABC) you’d have to provide the adoption certificate any time you need to show the birth certificate to prove parental status.
LikeLiked by 2 people
We did ask out lawyers if we could opt out of this and we were told no. Maybe our state isn’t one of the ones that allows it? Or our lawyers weren’t aware of it? But, they did mention, like you did, that for the next 18 years having our names on an ABC will generally make our lives easier. And you make a very good point about the immigration process, we didn’t even think about that until a few weeks ago when they required the ABC to process his immigration application.
LikeLike
It would have been a nightmare with immigration…
I see all the positives of having it, funny how things change, I didn’t even need it to get my drivers license, but I did for my marriage license and I’m sure that’s the first time I saw mine and it didn’t bother me being amended, don’t even think I thought about it. (sorry – run on sentence).
LikeLiked by 1 person
TAO – I am not sure if my comments are getting through on your blog. So, I thought I’d try responding to an old comment to check in with you?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m replying to your comment just now but there was no reply below (it’s in the settings – don’t worry about it.) – I haven’t seen any comments lately – will go check spam… eek…
LikeLike
Interesting! I sent you a comment on today’s post….
LikeLike
Argh – no idea why, gremlins?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nothing – probably the same in reverse before – try again…
LikeLike
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for this. From an adoptee. It is so wrong that first families are erased. Adoptive families need to understand that first families are not a threat to be erased, and if anything, it is lying about first families that drives a wedge between parents and adoptees. I’m glad you are being open with him and that he will always know where he comes from, a privilege many adoptees aren’t afforded.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is the exact reason we were set on having an open adoption, we WANTED our child to have knowledge of and access to his birth family. When we were researching adoption options all the research pointed to how this knowledge is best. And, now that we are actually parents, we still want this for our son and we will always promote a dialogue and a relationship.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In our state, Birth Mom’s have to appear in court to testify pretty much exactly this. Although they gave birth to the baby, from here forth, if they saw that child on the street, unless we as the parents were okay with it, they would have to act as if they didn’t know their own child. I get it, but I can’t imagine the pain of having to testify to that and then trust that the people you chose will indeed keep a relationship with you if that’s what you agreed upon.
LikeLike