This Is Adoption

  Posted on July 31, 2017 By

 40 Comments

My son’s amended birth certificate arrived.  Instantly, I noted that his name is correct.  His name is beautiful and simply perfect.

And as I scanned the document I noticed that there was my name next to mother’s name (and my husband’s name next to father’s name), without the title adoptive written next to it.  Just Mother and Father.  Plain and simple without an extra word or an asterisk to delineate adoption.

I didn’t expect it, but the moment I read our names I was over come with emotion.

I have always maintained I find the amended birth certificate weird, as I did not give birth to my son.  He is not a product of my husbands and/or my genetics.  He did not grow in my uterus.  I did not go through labour to bring him into this world.  And so, in my mind amending a birth certificate to reflect a different reality then was his actual birth seems weird.

And yet, much to my surprise, I was brought to my knees with tears running down my cheeks.

You see, unlike most (i.e. almost all mothers) the only reason my name is on this piece of paper is becomes someone else choose me.  Someone else made me a mother.  Someone else made my dreams come true.  This someone was not a sister or a cousin or even a second cousin twice removed or a best friend or even an old friend from high school.  The someone who made my dreams a reality is someone who simply chose me, a perfect stranger, to raise her child.  She voluntarily chose this life for her child, and therefore for her and for me too.

And more then all of that, this document signifies that someone else gave up their right to the official status of mother in order for me to have that title.  In order for my name to be “mother” means her name was erased and removed from our son’s birth record.

Think about that. 

Just take a moment and think about how amazing it is that I am a mother only because someone else is not.

I would not be a mother to my amazing little boy if it weren’t for a perfect stranger choosing and trusting me while having her name literally erased.

Wow.  Just wow.

There really are no words to truly explain this.

In so many ways it’s a cruel twist of fait that comes along with adoption.

Honestly, the fact that I am a mother on this document means someone else is not, is something that I can never over look, not even for a second.

Ultimately my son, he deserves the best in life.  His birth mother already made that decision for him, and by doing so placed that expectation on me (and my husband).  So, now, it is my responsibility to live up to that expectation.  It is also my honour to live up to that expectation.

Most days I focus on how adoption has been life changing, soul elevating beautiful for my family, because for better or worse that is our perspective as parents to our amazing little boy.  And yet today I must acknowledge the reality of what it took for me to become a mother and how we are all intimately linked to just how devastatingly tragic it is for another mother.

This, my friends, is adoption.

It’s ugly.  It’s cruel.  It’s messy.  It’s unfair.

And yet, it’s love.  It’s compassion.  It’s family.

I firmly believe adoption can be amazingly beautiful when everyone puts love first.

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 Category: Adoption, Parenting      Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

40 Comments on “This Is Adoption”

  1. Your insights on adoption are always deep and touching to read. That you acknowledge both the pain and the beauty; the gains and the losses; the connection that you all have to one another, for the rest of your lives….I know you’re not looking to hear this, but I really think you’re amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • You and mamajo are going to make me cry again! As always you are way too kind.
      Your right, I’m not looking to hear that, but thank you. I have to say, I think you are absolutely amazing. ❤

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  4. Everything about this depicts your beautiful compassionate and incredible soul. What a lovely thing to read.

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  5. I always believe that when children are adopted, its not because their biological parents didn’t love/ want them. Its because they loved them too much to know they were not enough for them. Adoption is a true act of love in that sense.

    Also, its so humbling to read your experience about it as well. You all are amazing, little MPB is one lucky fella.

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    • I fully agree with you! I couldn’t even begin to imagine being in the position of making that selfless decision.
      And thank you for your kind words. I definitely think I’m the lucky one getting to spend my days with Little MPB! ☺

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      • I need to correct myself, I mean to say little MPB is lucky because he has so many people loving him.. Irrespective of the way his family was formed, he is lucky because he has so much love.

        There are so many kids who are with their families with no love.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. You’re such a beautiful, thoughtful person. I’m thrilled that it got to you, and that everything is correct on it so that you can submit it for his other paperwork! Big sigh of relief there I’m sure.

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  11. As I read this, I was tearing up! As a birthmom of a soon to be 3 year old, this post meant a a lot to me. I love how you thought about your birthmom and how she is “erased” from his birth certificate and your now listed as his mother. It like she never ever existed and that how I felt when I receive a voided birth certificate after the TPR hearing. I feel your emotion’s that you’re ecstatic that you’re his mother but at the same token the reality is someone else was removed. My son’s parents always told me it was a piece of paper and he will always know I was he mother. Your absolutely correct that this is the ugly, cruel. and unfair part of adoption that is filled with love, family and compassion! XOXOXO Michelle

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    • Your sons parents said it perfectly. In fact, you’ve motivated my post for tomorrow – erased but absolutely not forgotten. I think the dichotomy of emotions – elated to be his mother and yet devastated by the tragedy thag this entails – is something I can truly never forget. I just hope I can raise my son to understand this is a healthy way because at the end of the day he needs to find a way to balance all of these emotions within him.
      Also, thank you as always for sharing your perspective. I so greatly appreciate the insight you offer. ❤

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      • I just seen this and how could I have missed this comment back! You’re blog is amazing to read as it gives me insight to the adoptive parents side other than my sons adoptive parents and our journey together!! Xoxoxo

        Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s different of course, but I felt similarly when C’s birth certificate arrived with both mine and Catch’s names on it. It caught me off guard. There was a time when I never believed that would even be possible for two moms. Enjoy this happy, hard fought piece of paper. It’s more meaningful than we think it’s going to be.

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  13. Adoption is definitely a mixture of many emotions. I think you really put it in to words well. It was so beautifully written. I came across a quote by Jody Landers that I’ve always really connected with and thought I’d share here – “A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” I am also glad the new birth certificate had the correct spelling – yay!

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  15. ❤️ I can tell it’s an incredibly complex array of emotions.

    So glad little MPB’s name was correct in the end!!!

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  22. I am glad to read that you have received your son’s birth certificate. He is yours, and will always be yours. With that in mind, have you thought about the day he will ask about his biology (just started following so not sure how old he is or whether you will even tell him). If the day comes that he wants to know if he has siblings, or cousins, or grandparents how would you respond? I am only asking because I just helped my SO find his biological siblings and their mother was none too impressed.
    I will continue following your page to learn more about your story.

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    • Thanks for stopping by and commenting. 🙂
      We specifically chose an open adoption so that our son will always know he is adopted, and will always know his biological family. We plan to always respond openly and honestly, age appropriate of course.

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