Silence
As much as I want to dive into sharing about our travel adventures (and I have lots that I do plan to share), I have something else on my mind today that I need to get off my chest first.
Our son’s birth mom has gone silent again. And this has been our longest stretch without communication so far – as in, it’s been more then a few months. We have absolutely no idea why she’s not responding, which means we also have absolutely no idea if she and her baby are okay.
This has happened before, so I should be getting more equipped at handling it. Or at least more used to it occurring. But the truth is, I’m not getting better at handling it. And I’m consumed with worry.
In the face of the unknown we are still reaching out to her frequently enough, but also not so frequently that we feel like we are nagging. Ultimately, we want her to be part of our son’s life and our family, we want them to have a relationship with each other, so we will always reach out. We see her and her family as an extension of our family – in many ways just like another extended family member. And I think for me the best way to explain my feelings right now is that it’s very similar to when any family member or friend might vanishes – I am just naturally worried.
This worry is something I struggle with because I so desperately want to help in any way I can, but I also know it’s not my role to help unless she asks for it. I realize the adoptive parent/birth parent relationship is different then most. I also realize that more people outside of the adoption world do not understand this relationship and are unable to provide constructive advice. As in, most people outside of the adoption world cannot relate and don’t understand because it’s something they have never had experience with. In fact, if I were to talk about this in real life (which I tend not to), people assume that no contact is best and make judgemental comments which make my blood boil. People still tend to assume adoptions are closed, which means I spend a lot of time explaining open adoption. Honestly, sometimes it gets tiresome explaining why open adoptions are healthier for everyone involved. I don’t enjoy being a broken record. As I’ve mentioned before, we also believe this stuff isn’t necessary for most people to know – we want Little MPB to be able to choose what to share and when to share as he grows up. We are always aware of the fine line that we don’t want to cross when it comes to respecting his personal story.
Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling.
All I really mean to say is that once again I’m worrying. Once again I’m not in the position to solve the problem (if there is even one to be solved). And, once again I am simply left to give her space and hope that she is okay.
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I’m sorry. That must be distressing. If you are in FB, there is a board called Adoptive Families. It is one of the few adoption boards that has all members of the triad on it. You could post there and get helpful, honest feedback from both APs and women who have placed.
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I’m not on Facebook, unfortunately. But that group sounds wonderful, I may have to reconsider. Thank you so much for sharing.
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Oh Friend, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. We haven’t seen A’s Birth Mom since January and I think J has gotten only maybe one text back from her since then and I think it was in February. It’s so hard because we so badly want them and our children to have a relationship. I think sometimes though, they go through periods where they aren’t strong enough to be in contact with us. I hope that you hear from her soon so that you’re not worrying so much! Sending you lots of love!!!
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Grief, comes in waves and often gets rough further out depending on what’s going on. Time is the only solution.
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That must be so hard, especially because it’s so out of your control. Hoping she contacts you soon and wishing you peace until then. xo
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What a hard situation to be in. I hope you hear from her soon and that she is all right.
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I’m sorry she’s gone quiet again. Just try to keep in mind, life with a baby is crazy and timereally does get away from you. Also try to keep in mind that this isn’t the first time this has happened, and unfortunately it may not be the last. I’m sure they’re all doing well, and that she’s thinking about you guys every day. Hope you hear from her soon!
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Do you think you would be informed if anything serious was wrong? If not, would it be appropriate to put a system in place to be notified if there is a serious problem?
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That sounds hard. I hope that she is just busy with the new baby and hasn’t gotten around to responding to your messages. Hoping she will get in touch soon and that everything is ok.
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I would struggle with this too. I’m sure the question, “are we ever going to hear from her again?” goes through your mind a lot. And when you do hear from her (you will), will she tell you why she went dark for so long? It’s not your business (I’m saying this as if it was me, I’m not lecturing), but you really want to know to help avoid it in the future. Will she just act like no time passed?
I am thinking of you. Hoping you hear from her soon. Hopefully you all (her and you) can sort out how to avoid this in the future by the time Little MPB realizes how the relationship works and gets used to knowing her.
Hang in there.
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I completely agree with everything you say here. I realize that the questions I will want to ask when we hear from her again are none of my business. If she chooses to share that’s one thing, but if she doesn’t, that’s out of my control.
And I think you make a very good point about how this may impact Little MPB as he grows up – random silences may be really hard for him to understand. And the random silences may also make it really hard for him to connect with and trust her. But I feel as though I have to remind myself that right now we have no idea how he will internalize his adoption and it’s our job as his parents to help him no matter how he feels about it. I guess it’s another one of those things that we just have to be prepared for possibly happening one day.
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In her previous episodes of disappearance, would she explain what had happened? I would definitely draw her attention to the fact that as your son is growing, her disappearance will be very difficult for him to understand and accept.
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I’m so sorry to hear this. That extra anxiety must be so difficult to have in your life. I hope everything is ok and she just needs her space. Hugs.
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